I have the feeling that this will be a long rant to get it from my soul, so I want to apologise upfront.
Yesterday I wrote a small introduction in the corresponding section of this forum.
Now I intent do go into much more detail.
I'm not sure where to start, but I think I it makes sense in the beginning.
From my childhood I have only very few memories and I remember mostly embarrassing moments or moments when I dressed in my mothers or sisters clothes.
I also remember that I once pierced my ears with a needle so that I could wear my mothers beautiful golden droplet earrings and I was so happy when I saw my reflection in the mirror with them dangling from my ear lobs.
The older I grew I became more and more pissed at the world and I saw most of the times the negative instead of the bright things in life. I think I had my first purge in the the middle of my teenage years. I just wanted be normal and not called (excuse the language but this is what they used) ->-bleeped-<-got all the time. Have a girl friend like most other schoolmate had. To be honest I wasn't very successful at that endeavor.
I was always the nice guy the girls talked to when the needed a shoulder to lean on. When Rage Against The Machine released the album with the same name back in 1992 I earned my nick name that is still used by some old friends until today "Rage" (which I don't like anymore), I think this descibes one of my feeling I carried all the time with me, I was constantly angry, at the world, the people, myself. On year later I had to serve my time in the military and at the same time I started to lose my hair rapidly. This crushed me and quenched any thoughts that I could ever pass as a girl or woman. I had blond curls down to my shoulders until I had to cut them for military and then over the next couple of years the were completely gone. So I thought that I have to live with what life gave me and I carried one. Still angry at the world and everything, maybe more than ever before.
A few years later I meet the mother of my oldest daughter, finally someone who was interested in me and it lasted for three years. Then we split and the constant struggle for visitation rights and alimony payment didn't improve my mood. So time went on I started martial arts to get some relieve and I have good memories of that time. Back then I had the impression that I can cope with it, I finally found a "cure".
At the turn of the century I got hit by lightning when I meet her, my wife. Normally I shop what I want, pay and be gone. But when I bought something from her on that nice Saturday morning in spring, I stayed for two hours and we chatted on and on. Only one week later we started to stay either in her or my place and it was perfect, I think it took us more then a year to have our first fight. In that first year I was sloppy at removing some mascara and it gave her a first hint and shortly thereafter I told her that I always wanted to be a girl and she was really cool with it, during a rainy vacation day she did my make up and we went shopping, I still have the first skirt we bought together. I don't remember what prevented us from moving further down that path. I assume it was life again that hit us. Parents grow old, get sick and we had to concentrate on other important things in life and full fill the roles everyone around us expected from us.
I never wanted to get married and have another child, but finally after five years in our relationship I asked her to marry me and we should try and see what happens. I said, we can speak anytime about anything, this is a gift and I think we can really make it. Shortly thereafter my second little girl smiled at me.
Only a year later my wife's dad lost his fight again a brain tumor and it was a hard time for our small family and I think this was the first time that cracks appeared in our bond. But we carried on, as we always did.
Then my dad go sick with progressing dementia and it was getting harder and harder to see the person who was my father to fade away.
When he died two years ago I hit rock bottom. I know from my older sister that my fathers was so happy that he also got a boy after her, he never told me, but subconscious I knew what he expected from me. To be the man in the family who will follow his foot steps. After his dead I started to question the meaning of life any everything more then ever before.
I got depressed and realised that half of my life is over.
During all that years my wife and I became like Statler and Waldorf from the Muppet Show. One started a sentence and the other could end it. It was symbiotic. But still we lost something, we lost our way to communicate anytime about everything. And this is the downfall of our relationship that will end by divorce soon.
A little bit more then one year after I started questioning myself and what I expect from life, she asked me bluntly if I still "want to be a woman". At that moment I broke down, crying and sobbing. She said that we can make it and I was in good mood after that conversation, hopeful that we will really find a way for us to stay together.
At that time I had no clue what I really wanted, I knew for my whole life that I'm a girl inside, but maybe there is a middle ground for us and we can keep the shame and hardship away from our family. I was able to cope for 40 years, why should it not be possible to keep that up, maybe with some "relieve" time and/or low dosage HRT.
Only one or two weeks later my wife completely shut the communication down, she was constantly angry, showed her disgust towards me and prevented any physical contact. Every time I tried to start the communication again, she jump and ran away.
This is what I will never forgive her, that she never gave us a chance to talk it through and maybe find a common ground to stay together. Half a year wasted and and maybe lost chances. Dn't get me wrong, it's o.k. if the outcome whould have been hat we separate but without any trying, it hurt so much.
In parallel I started to see a super nice gender therapist. I finally accepted my transness and that I have to do something about it. During that time I almost commited suicide on the german autobahn, I was going very very fast and a truck pulled out in front of me and I really questioned myself if I should hit the breaks or just let it happen. You can imagine the outcome, I'm still sitting in front of my computer crying while typing all these words.
It was always hard for me to say the magical words: "I love you!"
The funny thing is, now that I know who I am, it's much easier.
During one of the sessions, my therapist said, "I can see that she (Thessa) still love her wife." and I think that is still true, although I don't want to admit it. I want to hate her with all my heart or what is left of it.
I never thought that I can ever have such negative felling for my wife, the love of my life, the only person I ever imagined to grow old with.
On January 1st it started all, on short notice she announced that she will meet a (female) friend to go to the cinema. But I had a feeling that something is wrong. Shortly thereafter she wanted to meet with her BFF, but again something was strange so I started to investigate. Normally condoms are nothing you put in your bag if you want to meet you BFF, right?
Long story short, she lied and cheated for almost a month until I forced her to confess and she is now seeing someone on a regular basis and it looks like feelings are involved. In fact at the moment she is again with him.
I cannot trust her anymore and I don't want to see her anymore, never ever again.
But we have a child together and due to some other facts I can't kick her out of the house (instantly), every time we see each other, I have such a surge of hatred for her I can't control.
The only explanation I have, I still love her and this makes it so hard for me.
On the other hand a lot of good things happened as well:
I came out to my older daughter and her reaction was overwhelming!
Now I can be myself around her and we never had such a tight bond before.
It was already growing stronger because of my wifes behavior (my daughter does not approve) but now after my coming out to her, we talk about things that I would never ever imagines in the past.
Last week we went girl shopping, it was so much fun.
Some close friends, from my side but also friends from her side are now aware of the whole situation.
They said nothing will changes between us and asked me for my preferred pronoun and by what name the should call me and the immediately tried to use it during conversation.
So the future looks bright again!
The only downside is that I can't share it with the person I thought is the most important person in my life.
But such is life.
I think I need to get me a box of chocolate, to see what's in for me, before all the stores close.
Cheers,
Thessa
