Can we own "it"?

[Rp1713]

Hey neat, this thread came back.  This was one of the first things I posted here.  Since then... I've started to come around on them/they.  I've been trying to figure language out for myself.  I hate all the names.  I hate all the pronouns.  I just want to crawl into a hole and escape it all.

I've been living out for a while now, and I've come to understand vulnerability in a way that a "hetero"/cis/white guy never could (even though I was almost strictly closeted about my sexuality... I didn't even recognize that I was in the closet due to vulnerability).  At this point in time, I don't feel that I could own "it" because of how it would alter peoples' perception of me -- I now feel that it would be an open invitation to dehumanize me.  I'm already dealing with enough of that day to day.

I agree you should be able to use it. But I'm at the point right now, and who knows if this might change, that I feel as though i can be okay with people calling me they/them/it, he/his, she/her. I just don't even want it to matter. Of course most people will probably use he/ him cause it's what they'd be used to for me and at the end of the day don't look all that feminine in appearance even if I presented as such. I agree I hate the pronouns. The name or label I'm still trying to figure out. I want to feel more comfortable in how I "identify" because I think it will give me some peace of mind, even though At the end of the day screw labels too. Why can't everyone just be themselves! At the end of the day I'm not they/them or any other pronoun, I am me. At least I hope to achieve this way of thinking someday... Easier said than done! Haha

Much love,

Ry


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[Tessa James]

RESPECT is more than a great song and part of what we deal with being out there.  I have heard the pronoun 'it' applied to me with considerable venom and it still feels too raw.  I guess that is a basic for me; how do you intend to treat each other?  I don't need to be a total empath to know when someone is dissing me or just mistaken and cool with understanding more.

And then I like to identify myself as queer but that also took some time to own and wear in public.  i trip over they and them as singular pronouns and still misgender myself on occasion.  Big woop   We are works in progress and i have a steep learning curve

Thank you for the thoughtful post and dialogue

[Devlyn]

One word for you: thon. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Kylo]

It gets used on me now and again but mostly when I speak to my mother and honestly, I just don't care. Allowing the word to feel like and insult or to care what others are using to describe me is just giving power to words and to other people who don't deserve it.

I don't even care to "own" "it". I think the answer is not letting it bother you.

[Drake]

To me, "it" is absolutely out of the question. As others have said before, in practical use it refers to objects, and it's dehumanising.
I would not let anyone call me "it", and I would refuse to call someone "it" if they asked me to, because I refuse to dehumanise them.
All kinds of insults (queer and whatnot) are fine and can be "reclaimed" or thrown around in malice or in joke without me taking much issue because it's still between humans who are simply opposed to one another or joking or any other interaction that's part of the human experience, pleasant or no. "It" denies that common trait and experience of humanity. And to me that's got nothing to do with respecting someone's identification anymore, because that identification is harmful. Going along with it would be the opposite of respect. There are enough gender-neutral pronouns that still show respect for a nonbinary identity; it doesn't have to be that one.

Besides, I don't understand this apparent need to "reclaim" everything and be fine with everything and get used to everything. It's fine to simply reject unpleasant words. Trying to adapt to things like that seems more like an effort at being a doormat to me. Why do it voluntarily?

[sparrow]

I would not let anyone call me "it", and I would refuse to call someone "it" if they asked me to, because I refuse to dehumanise them.

But not everybody sees it that way.  I think it's really important to respect people's wishes with regard to how they are addressed.  I would compare this to refusing to acknowledge a transwoman as female, because you don't want to insult her manhood -- that is, completely failing to get the point.  People who identify in this way are still human, and they perceive 'it' to be an acceptable pronoun to use for people and therefore not dehumanizing.  They will want you to get accustomed to it as a non-dehumanizing term, and they want to be treated as human.  If they turn around and refer to you as "it," then you've got every right to take offense.

[Koda9]

'it' derives from the Old English pronoun 'hit', which is etymologically closer to 'he', both in sense and use ('hit' has a more animate connotation) than the contemporary 'it'. Perhaps this would be a good compromise, pseudowning 'it' without activating its (two senses) dehumanizing semantics.

most third person pronouns/grammar regarding them are derived from masculinity.

the possesive 's' in hers, bob's, carla's etc... was originally a shortened form of 'his'. Etymologically, you're saying 'her his,' 'bob his,' and 'carla his' when you use it, renaming the original noun.

Man means both human and male human for that reason. Old English had 'man' mean human, 'wer' and 'wif' respectively were 'man' and 'woman.' (This is why werewolves are called werewolves, 'wer'=man, so literally 'man-wolf.') With the influx of latin, 'homo' meaning human replaced man, 'wer' was kicked out and 'wif' became wife.

That being said, while it does hahve negative connotations, I'll respect anyone who wants to use it. I wouldn't use the pronoun myself, but I also recognize that English isn't super accommodating for NB/trans/GQ people.

[Peep]

The only problem i would have with 'it' is that a lot of people really don't like it - maybe because it's been used as a slur against them - and so when some people are okay with 'it' and others aren't, that causes confusion. Some people might think 'it' is okay, and then offend someone else by mistake.

What I mean is, I'd be happy to let others call themselves 'it' so long as it doesn't cause third parties to use the same expression for me. It's a bit like what happens with drag queens and the T-word, and things like '->-bleeped-<-' etc - that all fits in with what they're doing, but misleads people about other gender non conforming people. It's probably pretty cowardly to ask a few individuals not to use 'it' just so there's no repercussions for us that don't like it, but it's impossible to educate everyone and misinformation spreads pretty fast. :/

[Satinjoy]

"They, them, zie, hir" commonly accepted.

It is usually for inanimate objects. It is also used sometimes derogatorily.

But you can use whatever pronoun you want.  Its part of the nonbinary priveledge of self discovery.