Hello everyone, y'all are so nice
I definitely looked up transition options in general and in my country. I've been doing this for a few years now. I'm feeling really depressed right now because I now know I can't have a normal and stable life without transitioning. I was in denial at first, thinking "oh no, me being transgender has nothing to do with my depression", which is in part true, but in part it's not true, because being trans does make things much more difficult. I'm in some kind of weird grey area though, where I appear as male, have always dressed with clothes of my true gender (except for a few gender neutral looking clothes bought in the girls' section in the past) ever since I was a child. I used to have long hair but then I started cutting them short on top and shaved on the sides and back. This created family problems at first, with my mother getting mad at me, but then she just learned to accept it. "It's my hair", I said, "I am the one who needs to be comfortable, not you".
I go to a barber's shop - my cis male friend introduced me to it as he goes there too - and the young guy who cuts my hair is really nice, and I never got questions, so I feel good there (another option would be going to a unisex hairstylist, but I'm fine there).
I am out to all my closest friends. So, socially speaking, I live as my true gender a lot of the time - with some people I am out (close friends and girlfriend), as I said, with others I just don't say anything.
My family....hmmm, well....they did give me problems at first because of the clothes and stuff, but lately they haven't talked much about it. I don't know what to think. Maybe now that I'm an adult they don't think it's so appropriate to tell me what to do? I don't really know. Maybe they think I'm just masculine but not an actual guy so they're ok thinking that? I don't know. All I know is I don't have the courage to come out yet. Even though sometimes I consider telling at least one sibling, I chicken out and change my mind. I throw some hints here and there, getting frustrated, saying I was just born the wrong way or that my internal organs are useless to me and that I wish I didn't have them (especially on period). But my family might just think I'm simply frustrated. I don't know what else to do though. I had friends tell me it's really obvious that I'm a guy, and that they don't understand how other people can't see it. Well, I understand why. First, society teaches cisheteronormativity so most people assume everyone they meet is cis and straight. Second, it's more "socially acceptable" for female bodied people to be masculine than it is for male bodied people to be feminine.
Regarding passing (I don't like that term because it makes us sound like we're trying to deceive people or something, but anyway...), I can pass a lot, although I mostly pass as a younger guy. The issue is lack of facial hair, that's what makes people realize. Height not so much, because in my area most people are short. Size? I'm pretty thin, but I go to the gym and work out really hard, so I got some muscles and good strength. Still, I'm small....and that's another source of dysphoria, although the worst thing is my chest.
So now I find myself knowing I want to transition and that it's the only thing that can make me get rid of many depression issues (I take antidepressants but they can't fix gender dysphoria, obviously, they might only make me a bit more positive about life but they won't magically solve problems. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder). But I have this issue: family doesn't know, and I have no idea how I can tell them in the future even when I'll live on my own.
I'm not sure about when to transition - I know, when I'm independent and live on my own, but someday I want to move to the US to be with my girlfriend and I don't know where to do it. In my country, the process works like this: first you go to a therapist....then it takes a few months for them to make sure you're really trans (I find this patronizing, to be honest), and once they think you're ready they make you see a doctor who can prescribe the hormones. I read that they also "test you" in "real life experiences" where you live as your true gender full-time. After that, you can see a judge who will give you permission to have a surgery that is required for trans men in order to change their gender on documents (removing uterus and ovaries) and then you can change your documents from there. I know many countries allow people to change their documents before surgeries, but my country is still pretty backward when it comes to LGBT rights
The reason why I feel bad lately is fear. Main reason? Family. Really, I don't fear society and strangers, I fear the possible reactions of my family. I fear their rejection, their prejudices, their judgment, their anger. I don't care if strangers think bad things of me...but the people I love? This scares me.
Do I love and accept myself? Yes, I think being transgender is really difficult, but it's a unique and different way to be, and it's not something we can control or that we chose. I think the real problem are transphobic people, and not transgender people!
