Suicide after transition

[GirlyQueen]

Oh please please dont do that !!!!!
Life will get better and and there are a lot of people which support you in this world, sometimes it seems senseless but life is good and if you just concentrate on the small beautiful things in this life, everything gets better!!!!!
kisses from germany

[Karen_A]

Look at the pretty girls in the threads here. I never wanted to be model, only part of here or elsewhere in th net.

I have not read the whole thread but I feel I need to respond ASAP as this is from about 2 months ago...  I hope you are are still here ...

I think I have some idea where you are coming from... and I know it's possible to get through...

I transitioned at 42 and am now 60... The reason I did it so late was because i did not think I ever had any chance to be seen as a "normal" woman... And then when things got so bad that that I had to try anyway, HRT had minimal results on me, which was really hit me hard... After a year and a half on HRT I saw older guys jogging that had more breast tissue than me... and I also had very little fat redistribution.... But I went ahead and had SRS anyway because I did not see a viable alternative....

Then After SRS I found an endo that would prescribe high levels of estrogen to try and get more of a result... but it did not change anything... and I was thinking that no matter what I felt that it was never meant to be and maybe it even meant I was never transsexual despite what I felt in childhood and as an adult and what I wanted/needed so much...

All of that put me in a bad place that as very hard to come out of and tended to push people away... But instead of giving up I did what I could... I lost a lot weight (which did not stay off), I had implants ( the idea of which i hated because I want it be be ME and not 'fake')and FFS.

I won't say I got what I always wanted but it made my life reasonable...To this day it still makes me wistful and a little sad for myself to see those who got to where I wanted to go and never could, but I'm in a lot better place emotionally than I was before

I don't know if you can afford the other surgeries (and a BA can be fixed if done wrong- but go to an expert in it) but they can help... If you can't afford them now that does not mean you never will...

I don't know if you have anybody in your life but that can help too ... Although it was a double edged sword in some ways, my spouse stayed with me through it all so I was not alone and that helped... I also kept my job through transition and surgery and beyond so that helped too...

Where there is life there is hope... Please don't give up. You don't need perfection to be happy and things can get better. Maybe HRT will work better for you in the long run... I have seen that with some people... and if not as I said there are other ways to make things better...

We all go through so much, all of this is so hard in so many ways but most of us do get to a place that is better than before even if not perfect... You have had the courage to made it this far, please try and find the strength to keep trying to get to a place you can live with... You ARE worth it.

One more thing... Often we are not the best judges of how we look (I have always relied on the reactions of strangers). I have met some who IMO looked very good but they thought they were read all the time ... So please don't just live in your own head... and being around other people when depressed often tends to help too... So see your fiends  and do things with them ... sitting home and feeling bad about yourself will only make you feel worst no matter what.

- Karen

[galaxy]

I dont leave because things are hard, i leave cause its no longer worth it.

[Magicka]

This really breaks my heart to hear someone feel this sad and hate themselves that much. I can emphasize as I felt that way once and was close to suicide on multiple occasions. How much sleep do you get? How is your diet? do you exercise? Do you hydrate a lot? how about USP endorsed multivitamin/mineral complexes and getting your omega 3s. So many thing matter more than what only doctors have to say. Feminization happens better the more the hgh you have. Get 8= hours a sleep drink 1-2 gallons of water a day, take your spiro with high fat it absorbs better, drink grapefruit juice as it increases time available of estrogen in bloodstream. I don't know about implants as I will never get them anywhere. Things can work it will be an overall life experience and choice change. My diet has also went a little 180 since hormones and I always give into my craving usually healthy until my body says it is enough... that's the key to youth and beauty. Please make it work maybe implants can negate regular cellular growth. It really is horrible that people ABSOLUTELY PUSH implants down transwomens damn throats. It is not always needed. There are natural breast enhancements like Naturaful breast cream, and even simple things like giving yourself breast messages. There is also body feminization workouts that really help put the hips on as well as changing ones posture to fem in every way forces the body and tendons to change around your movements. There are plenty of things left to try.

Please don't kill yourself try hoping some more and research, research how to better things. I spent 2 years of in depth endocrinological, dietary, exercise, physiological research before starting hrt.

[KayXo]

take your spiro with high fat it absorbs better

She doesn't take Spiro.

drink grapefruit juice as it increases time available of estrogen in bloodstream

She takes estrogen non-orally, I think. Grapefruit has much less effect taken this way but may have an adverse interaction with other medications/supplements she may be taking. Always check with doctor.

It really is horrible that people ABSOLUTELY PUSH implants down transwomens damn throats.

No such thing and some women have had good results on them.

There are natural breast enhancements like Naturaful breast cream

Has not been shown clinically to give results. Most likely a scam, be careful.

[Magicka]

Well it seems I mistook her anti androgen she takes. As for naturaful it most likely has some effect whether negligible or potent is another matter. Herbs do work though slowly. I was on herbs before my reg hrt and within 6 months of Spearmint Tea, Saw Palmetto, Licorice Root, (not allowed), Fenugreek Lactation for Mothers Formula(made my actually oil out of my boobs) etc and I noticed breast growth, thinner upper waist, widened hips, facial fat changes and more youthful appearance overall in tadditionoticing o ndy odor  mens bomore. I can't really say for sure whether those physical changes and feelings were placebos, magic tricks, hallucinations, optical illusions, mirages, or were really happening I guess.... lol, because a doctor did not tell me if I changed in appearance or tell me if I felt different. Sarcasm aside I don't need a doctor to pull me on a leash and tell me everything and babay me like I cant care for myself. Heck, they are the ones that developed the dangerous hormones and medications they prescribed to people for ages that countless class action law suits are made precisely for. Doctors can't cure arthritis, ms, cancers amoung many other things. Now I don't hate doctors no way but they don't guide my every health choice by any means.

Mod Edit- Certain substances are not to be discussed per site policy.

[galaxy]

Like i said. There's no option left. I got so many problems after SRS. It was the biggest mistake in my life. Its over, theres no way out. Things went wrong, that's life.

[Karen_A]

I was looking at some of your old posts to see if you posted a picture... but the only one I saw was just a black rectangle... Did you take it down?

I know some that have seen your picture said you looked nice... but I know what TSes say to each other about looks can over optimistic...

That said if your issue is looks, I can guaranty you that there are generally satisfied post-ops who look much worst than you do ... Same with op issues...

Over the years I have met some I am sure you are better off than...

In fact  I bet I look worst than you do... and if you looked like I did "before" you might not have even tried.

It's up to you to find a way to live a satisfying, if not a perfect/idyllic, life... and you can do it if you just learn to accept and work with what you do have. it is possible ... but you have to want to have that life.

It took me a long time to resign myself to what I could not change... but I eventually did it, and you can too... 

The best advice anyone here can give you is that you need to find a good therapist ASAP and spend some quality time with them.

[Magicka]

Like i said. There's no option left. I got so many problems after SRS. It was the biggest mistake in my life. Its over, theres no way out. Things went wrong, that's life.

I'm terribly sorry you feel so bad. Are you certain everything went wrong after srs? Maybe your liver needs a good detox, or your system needs to be cleansed and refreshed you know. How many sources are seeking health help from. You have to have a branching of medical and overall health aid. An md is fine for their allopathic reductionism practice. However, you can benefit from other typed of providers as well. Thyroid issues can cause hair loss, hormonal unbalance, and general fatigue and feeling unhealthy. Not just the testes and ovaries but other organs release hormones as well albeit most are basically digestive related. The adrenal gland produces some though little male hormones. All I want to say is that there is surely a way to help yourself, if as you say post-srs is when things mostly started going down the tubes for you. I hope your surgeons didn't make a mistakes somehow Implants can leak toxins into the body if there is error in procedure, though rare as that situation is.

If you do decide to kill yourself, I hope you reincarnate into a happy, lovely, beautiful girl in your next life.

[Obfuskatie]

Like i said. There's no option left. I got so many problems after SRS. It was the biggest mistake in my life. Its over, theres no way out. Things went wrong, that's life.

I'm sorry you're suffering so much. I'm not going to tell you what to do, or say you can't or shouldn't give up. If nothing really matters and you have fixed plans to end your life, go outside without any preparation. Visit places to accomplish a few things on your bucket list. Skydive, bungee jump, hitchhike, go mountain climbing, or maybe hike a 1000mile trail. Have some fun, and get rid of or cover any and all mirrors. Live for one month without mirrors, doing adventurous stuff outside. You can do it with other people or by yourself.

What do you have to lose? If you feel the same after, you can still go through with it.

[galaxy]

I spent a hundred hours by trying to solve my problems. I had many hormonal problems before SRS and after it i got a dozen new. My whole life contains hormone problems and postop-pain only. Alone the fact that my hair isnt getting longer than 10-12" is a headshot. Youre dreaming 30 years of having long hair like the girls and now it doesnt grow. And the best is: no one knows why. Ive a dozen of such problems and no doctor knows why. Iam still in pain 9 month after SRS, i cant do any excercise, no bicycling, no travels, no long walks...  nothing. 24h pain a day.

Its enough. Nobody can handle that on a long time.
I dont want to live that nightmare.

[big kim]

It's not about passing, there's a non passing trans woman who lives in 1 of my towns many war zones. She's overweight, has thinning greying hair, a harsh raspy voice from years of smoking, drives a ratty old Ford with different coloured doors & other panels. People love her, she's cheery with a smile constantly on her face.
I'm in a lot of pain with sciatica, celulitis, arthritis &  a leg ulcer. I did something I've wanted to do for many years, I bought a Harley Davidson Sportster. I hadn't ridden a bike for nearly 30 years, I took a refresher course & now visit places that were previously out of reach. I've also discovered an interest in museums, art galleries & historic buildings  due to riding my bike & mixed with everyone from a bad ass to a bishop. Today I went to Southport, went bird watching on a bird reserve, went to a transport museum in Leyland & saw a new island off the coast at Fleetwood. Had lunch with a 1%er bike club member & his wife at the diner in the Harley Davidson dealers in Preston.
If I had commited suicide like I wanted to 3 years ago when Mum died I would have missed this.

[galaxy]

Like you say... nobody on this planet needs to be a woman. Thats all not nessecary to be happy.

[galaxy]

This life sucks so much.
I wish i would be a man again. It was so much easier.

[stephaniec]

I'm sorry you have so many problems especially with pain. Pain is my worse enemy. I have terrible Rheumatoid arthritis  and have such great fear of flu season every year because the pain is horrendous when I get a bad virus, my immune system can't tell the difference between me and the virus. I hear you with the pain, so many days I've thought about putting an end to the pain and I've come very close and There is always that possibility on my mind because I hate pain when you have no other alternative but to ride it out. It was kind of funny (not really) I went to the emergency room about a month ago because my immune system was attaking my testicles and the whole right hip area. I get to the hospital and they shoot me up with morphine and fentanyl and I'm sitting there waiting for the pain to stop and it didn't and I'm thinking maybe the nurse took it for himself and switched the syringe with salt water. I'm lucky in a sense that the major episode of pain only lasts a couple of days even though I constantly live with pain because of the type of disease I have. So yea I hear you. I don't know why I keep getting up after being knocked down and  out , but for some reason I always think maybe I'll go for another day. The disease I have is very progressive and it's not going to give up so there may very well be that day that I say no more , but so far it hasn't happened. I hope you can find some reason to keep going.

[galaxy]

Thanks so much for your help.
But me decision is fixed. See you over there.

[2cherry]

Well, what can I say... only that I understand you. And that you're not alone.

I've attempted it twice in the last 3 years. Last month I stood on a railroad, in the pitch black darkness... crying at the stars. Then I saw the tracks glowing, a train approached... but at the last moment I stepped down.

And you know what? no-one can't talk you out of it. I know, because I've been there many times.

But this is what IT has taught me: Life maybe pointless, but death is pointless as well.

[Tanya62]

Galaxy, if you're still here, congratulations. You win. I hope that is always the case.

Many people on Susan's forum, both male and female, have gone thru very similar trials to what you are facing. As far as I know, being alive is far better than not. But nobody said it was going to be an easy trip. Hang in there. It is worth it.

I am 62 years old now, I didn't start taking hormones till I was in my 30's, I transitioned in my late 30's, got GRS in 1991, and in 1996, I went back to being my fake male role. I stopped taking hormones then, and just started again in August this year.

The reason I tell this to you is that if things are going badly, you can backtrack a little bit like I did, and after all the changes stop, you can take a cooler approach to your issues and go at them again with more experience and knowledge. I started living a male identity again, and although it made me a lot angrier and sadder in the short run, in the long run it may have saved my life. I was like that for a few years too. Don't give up.

Under my clothes, I am what I am. I still have a male body, big on top, little on bottom, and I have a cute little flesh colored mustache that I hate, but I am not producing any male hormones anymore, and that made all the difference in the world. I am a woman, always was and always will be, but just because I dress and act a little more masculine than other women, that doesn't make me male. People look at me, I guess they are just trying to figure me out. That's not my problem anymore, let them figure me out.

If it's taking longer for your hormonal response to flatten out, then let it. Stress is a terrible thing. Don't rush this anymore. Let it take place. Let your body adjust. If you're anything like me, and you are, you will discover who you really are after a few years. You win.

Regarding death, there is no other side. There is no proof of light, thought, memory, not anything.  I hope you are still here, because things can and will turn around. All things take time, and that's the one thing we all have the same amount of.

I hope you're still here, Galaxy.

[galaxy]

I'm still here and it seems that I've overcome this acute phase. But i changed my mind and my view in many ways. It also makes no sense to have a rollback or something like that. My fear and enemy is masculinzation in every kind. Thats why iam unhappy. Testosterone and his brother DHT destroyed my body and my life. Thats what iam talking about. And ive problems to live with that. I hoped and prayed that SRS will unleash me from these curse. But the opposite happened. Nobody is able to tell me why. No doctor, nobody. SRS was a big wish to get free and became another curse to me. I'm still in pain over 1 year postop.

And thats the point in summary. Sometime i decided to start my travel. And it was no travel to "become" a woman. It was a travel to understand that iam a man. My body decided not to follow me. In other words i had a transition on the paper only. Yes a transitioned. But only the paper, what i wear - not physically. I needed a long time to understand this and i will need further time to understand it in all aspects. That all will take a long time. To accept that life is a compromise only, not a lucky one, a life in the "right gender". Therefore i had to start 15 years earlier.

[kittenpower]

I'm sorry you are having these issues, but the problems may resolve in the future, and your body could feminize beyond what you initially hoped for. Stay positive, and believe that this will happen; and focus on doing things that you enjoy!