Started to come out!

[Christine1]

Its been an interesting two weeks to say the least. I was having a very bad day the other Friday at work and just couldn't concentrate and so I came home early. I got home and put a hole in my wall because I was just so pissed about My life. Its like Why am I like this and why this (I didn't start this earlier) and why that! Etc...It just got to Me!

I feel like I am in High school again and that sucks! My brain just wont shut down. Thinking, worrying, some times just so damn confused and at 48yrs young (lol) I shouldn't be like this! I have a good job, good Family (No kid) and My life should be going Great. I should be going forward with life but its always been just going in circles for most of it.

Well after the hole issue I just texted My Mom. My Life Sucks! Damn if there was an instant call from Her. Didn't expect that. So I just came out and told Her. Mom I'm Trans. Her reply. I know You are. She already new I was a CD, She's seen My toes and new I was doing laser on My face and neck. I guess I was thinking for some stupid reason she wouldn't put 2 and 2 together. I told Her a lot that day and a little more since. We just cried and laughed. But She said I just want You to be Happy and live Your life and I am and will give You as much support as I can. Thanks Mom!!  Next issue will be My brother down the road. The funny thing is He ask My Mom on Sunday if I was OK. Hes a smart Man and good Father! Maybe He will understand when I finally tell Him. I Guess I am making too much out of nothing? We will see.

So last week I talked to My Boss. I know He goes to therapy for his PTSD since '99. I had told Him I was also going to therapy a few months back. Regarding My late Father and other issues. Well we were talking and I just came out and told Him. Told Him I was Trans and was a CD since I was a child. He didn't bat an eye. He said I have Your Back! I don't care. If Your happy We will get threw this. I was like Damn!

Well I still have a long road ahead but its looking up!!  I have to look forward and stop going in circles 

Sorry for the long post Everyone but I just had to put it in words Its a Good Day!!   

Christine 

[JeanetteLW]

   Oh god Christine. I am so happy for you. Well I think I am. your successes brought tears to my eyes and down cheeks.  (dang hormones!)
   I could only hope my own fearful coming outs will go half as well as yours.  Go girl ! Moving on.

  Hugs,
    Jeanette

[Christine1]

Jeanette. Your coming out will be just ask good as mine stay positive!!! Thanks Mom!!(Jeanette). You can't leave Mom!

[Denise]

Christine, your anger and distraction is the same reason I came out to my sister 16.5 months ago. 

I started, stopped (big mistake), restarted HRT and today I'm actually happy. I was with an old friend all day today and on the way home it hit me, I'm content.  Not just happy but actually comfortable in my new presentation.  HRT has given me my life back.

I suggest finding a gender therapist if your current one doesn't have training in the subject.  Gender therapists will help you navigate your options.

I'm happy for you.

-Dee

[Christine1]

Thanks too You Both. Sorry I have been absent. Just trying to deal with things(ME). Denise I show very little anger but when it hits. It Hits Hard. I Hope when I start HRT I will be Content(AKA Just being Me). Thanks Jeanette for the positive thoughts. Its much appreciate. 

[LiliFee]

wow congrats! the first big steps are the hardest, but maybe also the  most rewarding, as the reward will keep unfolding the rest of your life

Go girl!

[Christine1]

Thanks Lili!   

[HappyMoni]

Christine,
   Your day on that Friday sounds like you were deep in the "fighting this thing that won't let me go stage." "Why me, why me?" At some point, it becomes natural to accept things more. We finally get to a point where it is ridiculous to think one can successfully fight it. It sounds wonderful to hear of the degree of acceptance these feelings were closely followed by. It is a chance, maybe even a sign to move forward toward the real you. I made the decision a while back to move forward and really feel good about it. The only time I feel the "why me's" now is if my progress is threatened. It is crazy how fast one can go from never thinking you can do something to don't even think of stopping me. Good luck to you.
Moni

[Christine1]

Moni its not just a sign. It has always been there. It just gets harder and harder to it keep down! I'm at the point of saying just make Me. Me! What makes Me Mad is that I should've started this so long ago!!

Such as life!!   

[HappyMoni]

Christine,

   Catch me up, why are 'we' holding it down? What stops you from being you? I will not preach at you, but I will tell you what I have done going for the fences at 57 years old. I will not waste all the time I will be enjoying being myself, now that I can be myself. We only get from this day forward. Time spent worrying about what could have been takes time and effort I can use getting more to where I want to be. It is sad that this happened and it is okay thinking it is for a bit. I think too long about it and it is not healthy, not productive. Just my thoughts. What ya think?
Moni

[Christine1]

Ive been thinking of this since I was a child. As You know those days we were suppose to be a boys/men etc..  I knew I was more than that! Dressed in My Moms clothes ( she wasn't happy about that when I told Her recently ) when I was in elementary school. Read Her Cosmo, ok looked through it. I wished I was like those Girls/ladies. I like others work in a male dominated place and so that kept in check (sorta) because I didn't want to be picked off! I know I am holding it in at times way to much in. Going to work gives Me anxiety!! Im so glad I have My therapist and Mom to talk to now. 

I want to be FREE of this Moni and go forward with My life. I just scared! I am taking little steps forward. laser on face and neck. Also started electrolysis Today.

Trying not to worry but its very hard not too. I feel like in HS again. My Brain just goes around and around!

[Christine1]

sorry if i didn't make sense!

[Dena]

sorry if i didn't make sense!

In a strange way it does. For those of us who knew in our teens or before, it's pretty clear what we need to do and the only problem is figuring out how to do it. For those who made their decision in adulthood, they are looking at giving up all they know for an unknown. Pretty scary decision to face. We can tell you it has a pretty good chance of working out well in the end but that doesn't help unless you believe it.

[Arianna Valentine]

I honestly and trust me this is advice I wish I could take myself but sometimes you just need to let go of worrying how the whole world is going to look at you and start concerning yourself with what will and does make you happy.  The reason I say I wish I could take my own advice is that I'm going to be starting hrt soon I hope and the only person who knows is my older step-brother I am scared to tell anyone else because they are all military or ex military and one is even worse ex-military and a preacher on top of that

Sent from my Z981 using Tapatalk

[Christine1]

Dena Thanks for Your advice( your advice means a lot ) . I want to believe!. Your right Arianna I need to let go! Just be Me!

[KathyLauren]

I get how scary this is.  The scariest part for me was coming out to the first couple of people.  I put it off for months until I got finally scared that I would never do it. 

It gets easier.  I am at the point now where I enjoy coming out to people.  I try to think of who I can come out to next.  I still have some fears about going full time, coming out to everyone else.  But I'll get through them.

You are smart to be starting at a young(-ish) age.  I was 61 when I started.

I don't worry about 'wasted' years.  I know that I muddled through them the best I knew how, and arrived here in good health and good circumstances.  I wasn't ready then.  Now I am.  I might have only 20 or 30 years left in me, but, damn, I'm going to enjoy them!

[Christine1]

Thanks Kathy! I know how You feel! I hope it gets easier. That's the biggest thing Kathy I shouldn't worry about wasted time. I need to live!

[HappyMoni]

Ive been thinking of this since I was a child. As You know those days we were suppose to be a boys/men etc..  I knew I was more than that.
I wished I was like those Girls/ladies. I like others work in a male dominated place and so that kept in check (sorta) because I didn't want to be picked off! I know I am holding it in at times way to much in. Going to work gives Me anxiety!! Im so glad I have My therapist and Mom to talk to now. 

I want to be FREE of this Moni and go forward with My life. I just scared! I am taking little steps forward. laser on face and neck. Also started electrolysis Today.

Trying not to worry but its very hard not too. I feel like in HS again. My Brain just goes around and around!

Christine,
   Your feelings and your history make perfect sense to me. I understand the fears you have expressed. I am not sure what you mean by wanting to 'be free of this.' I read through your posts and maybe I missed something but I am not sure if you have made a decision on your plans for your future. You are obviously taking some awesome steps with hair removal and coming out. Is 'being free of this' mean you wish you weren't trans to begin with? Or does it mean you want to be free of the fears associated with taking steps to face being trans? I get that you are in some of the earlier stages of coming to terms, I just don't know if you have decided where this leads at this point.
   I also wanted to say that it is okay to be afraid, to have conflicting emotions, and to take a while to figure yourself out. Having been in a similar place myself, I am glad to see that you are talking to people. You should be proud of yourself  for taking positive steps. If I could attempt to offer you one thing that might help, I guess I would say that it is possible for things to turn out well for you. Even though you are scared, if you keep on doing positive things the chances for a good outcome are so much better.
   Sorry, I know you didn't ask for my opinion but I am not sure what going on with your life meant, and then I got on my little tangent.
Moni