Hi Michael, and welcome to our little family!
I've been in a somewhat similar (although more serious situation): I'd been married for about 15 years when I decided to transition, and my ex-husband and I have two kids together. You notice that I said 'ex-husband'? That's something you need to consider very, very carefully. Let's look at your post piece-by-piece:
Quote from: PoppySeedMuffins on February 26, 2017, 09:24:35 AM
but for lack of funds and fear of how my dad will react (I'm almost 17 and still living with him) I haven't been able to make much progress in my transition.
You're not yet legally an adult, but depending on where you are in the world you may be old enough to start seeking medical advice without involving your folks. The age of medical consent in the USA & UK is 16: that's the age at which you can see a doctor without your parents' permission, and at which the doctor cannot tell your parents why you're there unless they think you're a danger to yourself & other people. Of course, you may have to pay for medical care (or it might be on your parents' insurance policy), which could complicate matters.
You're also scared of how your Dad will react. You're right to be scared: think carefully of what the consequences could be if he reacts badly. Might he kick you out of home? Could you lose access to higher education? Is he the sort who could get violent? Your top priority is to keep yourself safe, so think about the potential risks and make contingency plans so that you won't be at risk when you come out. If you have to delay coming out until you're living away from home, that's OK. The medical help you need isn't going anywhere.
Quote from: PoppySeedMuffins on February 26, 2017, 09:24:35 AM
He's gone on and on before about "how much he loves pussy" and how he "could never see [himself] being gay" and that's what scares me.
I'm afraid you're right to be scared: those two statements show that he's clearly keen on the idea of being with a woman and he has a natural aversion to being with a man.
BTW, plenty of trans guys never have bottom surgery so many (if not most) of us still have the Man Cave in the centre - and quite a few of us are quite happy to continue using it. So if it was just about that particular part of your anatomy there wouldn't be a problem. But I strongly suspect it isn't: it's more about the whole 'woman' package rather than any particular orifice.
Quote from: PoppySeedMuffins on February 26, 2017, 09:24:35 AM
He used to tell me all the time how he would still love me/bang me if I were a guy and then on the day I was planning on coming out to him he suddenly says he could never be gay.
That may have been hyperbole. He may have been saying that he's very attracted to you... but then he clarified his statement by saying he could never be gay. This is most likely his way of saying he couldn't see himself in a relationship with another man, and he probably wouldn't want other people to see him that way either.
It's also possible that he was detecting a shift in the way you express your gender (even if only subconsciously) as you came closer to coming out and he wanted to make his position clear. He may have been uncomfortable with any masculinity he was detecting in you and he just wanted you to know that. It's a bit of a red flag, I'm afraid: if he feels that way already, this is likely to increase as you become more masculine.
Quote from: PoppySeedMuffins on February 26, 2017, 09:24:35 AM
He's incredibly important to me. I'm just at a loss for how I should tell him y'know?
I know. So was my husband to me. But he moved out last month and we're getting divorced, all because he decided he didn't "want to be with a bloke" (his exact words). 20 years of marriage, two kids, and the life we'd built together didn't count for anything... because he's straight and that's the only way he wants to be perceived by other people. He's made homophobic remarks throughout the years (which should've been a red flag for me) but I was still shocked & devastated that he'd be willing to throw everything away like that.
Perhaps instead of coming out immediately as male, you might want to test the water first by saying that you're having issues with your gender & you want to explore it by being a bit more masculine. See how he reacts to that before coming out all the way. In fact, you could do that with all your friends & family too (if you think it's safe to do so).
I hope you have a better outcome than I did. But your boyfriend has given you a lot of signals that whilst he loves you, he doesn't want to be in a same-sex relationship and he's unlikely to stay when you come out. But you can't live your life for other people. You have to live your life for you, and if he wants the privilege of coming along with you for the ride then he has to accept you for who you are. If he can't accept you, he doesn't deserve you and he needs to make way for someone who does.
