Rambly Thoughts

[Jera]

Non-transition feels like the wrong word. I do fully intend to transition, but I no longer think MtF is the appropriate choice for me. But I do need to change.

I do still feel, as I always have, that my inner self is "female", even if my body is not. I look at many of the success stories and before/after images with envy and admiration. I have no fear that I would not join them, were I to follow the same paths they did. With work, I could already "pass" a female presentation (homely, not beautiful) in all but my voice. I've seen what HRT can do to improve that further.

My problem is with the idea of "passing" in the first place. After so much time spent hating my body, the last thing I want to be is defined by it. As much as I relish the thought of people seeing a woman when they look at me, I also feel it would be as much an inauthentic presentation as the one I am already using.

It has been extremely difficult for me to understand that feeling of inauthenticity. It certainly do not feel the transition of other MtFs to be false, in any way. I simply don't believe the same steps will address the roots of my own demons. I am not my body. What people see when they see my body does not define me. My transition will be to a place where I no longer feel my behavior needs to match what they see.

I have spent my entire life hiding my thoughts, doing and saying things I do not feel; this is the root of my depression. I do this to conform to the male stereotype. If I did not, people would begin to question, and their scrutiny would reveal that I did not belong. This must change. I do not belong! I am not truly one of the men, and I need to accept that. If it is possible I could, I would still certainly struggle to feel like I "belong" with the women either. I also need to accept that there is much I do not share with them, as well.

But to find happiness, I do need to change my gender presentation to a reflection of how I truly feel. That is authenticity, and I desperately feel that should be enough. The things I say, the behaviors I tolerate in my presence, the way I treat people... all of these must be authentic. I need to throw away the mask. The last thing I need is another mask.

I will not be what people expect when they first see me. Perhaps they may not even know what to expect. Elements of my presentation will surely be called "feminine", regardless of my body, if I am to be happy with my own self-expression. This will lead to questions; I need to accept this. Many people will not understand, no matter how many questions I answer; I need to accept this, too. Some of those people, perhaps even most, will not accept me; I need to accept this most of all.

I can only pray that I find someone out there who does accept me for whatever it is I will become.

[Lebedinaja]

Clear words that you write there, its seems like you have overcome the need to adapt to this special gorup of society in forms of appearance and mind and are free to be yourself and take the way you want, not the way a group puts in her needs and standarts at you.

[Allison Wunderland]

Grew out the hair. Earrings (6). Started layering tops, tanks, T's, pullovers. Womens beach casual pants. Beach sandals. I live at the beach.

I don't present "F" -- Men's restroom. But edged to the middle in presentation. Moving more toward middle to F . . . which is, I suppose part of transition. No HRT, surgery. I've been me for 67 yrs. More integrated, authentic, now. Happier.

[Sandy74]

That was a great read and I think you should be whoever you want to be and don't conform to be anyone that you don't want to be. For me I am just a toddler in this new world and I am making baby steps in where and what I want to end up doing with my body and how I feel as a person. I am starting to think I am more Genderfluid than anything else at times.

[Aazhie]

I feel like these kinds of thoughts are pretty mature and healthy.  I accept that I'm not going to be a 100% M ever in this life.  And that is okay.  Because a lot of my cis-male and female friends will not be 100% F or M's either   The idealized Man and Women that are expected of us are unattainable for even the most conforming cis person.

It is better just to be you and be as comfortable and hopefully happy with that person as you can.  I KNOW there are people out there who would like you as you are now, and plenty who will like you in the future, whether or not you do anything to change or transition, as long as those things are keeping you as the person you are.

[Jera]

I want to take a moment to thank all of you who have answered this thread, even if it has taken me far too long to do so.

It so often feels like a lonely road, but I am slowly better understanding the person who walks it. For what it's worth, it even feels like it's working. I'm not "cured", but my goal is not a cure. It is to stop being consumed by a single aspect of the greater whole that is who I am.

Your support is welcome, validating, and I will be eternally grateful for all of you.

[genevie]

I'm sure we would all give you a hug if we could. I read another comment above from a 67 year old. I just turned 60 and it is a direction that I've been going:

Grew out the hair. Earrings (6). Started layering tops, tanks, T's, pullovers. Womens beach casual pants. Beach sandals. I live at the beach.

I don't present "F" -- Men's restroom. But edged to the middle in presentation. Moving more toward middle to F . . . which is, I suppose part of transition. No HRT, surgery. I've been me for 67 yrs. More integrated, authentic, now. Happier.

[JoanneB]

After a good 6 years of taking on the trans-beast once and for all after decades of dancing, I too wrestle with being/feeling "Authentic". If you use a definition such as feeling in your mind you are truly living as you, living in a body that you feel truly represents you, and are seen by others in the world as who you feel you are, then there are three goals or levels that must be reached.

To be fair or honest, one must admit none are absolutely 100% obtainable. You cannot control what other's think/see/feel. Very few people, if any, are absolutely happy with every aspect of their body. Finally, without pulling out the DSM, I am sure there is a name/pathology for someone who feels/thinks they are perfect. So, compromise is needed in all three arenas.

Along with applying a weighting factor to those three factors, there are MANY other life needs & wants that need to be balanced against all the others. Some that are completely conflicting. Life, is dynamic, always changing. To live is to grow and that includes knowledge and spirituality. How you balance out all your needs & wants will likely change over time. Even what you think you may need or want today will be different just a few years from now as you move around in your new world

At his point after six years of a lot of intense working on my inner self. Working hard and with some success unlearning what is now counterproductive thought patterns and behaviors, working a bit more on my body image and physical reality with HRT, spending some time out in the real world being the real me; I feel Mostly authentic.

My therapist asked me one day; "What difference would there be in how I feel if I showed up to work as Joanne?". TBH, after scared, none. I know, I OWN, being Joanne now. Being otherwise means I revert back to that lifeless soulless THING I had become over years of supressing her.

By presenting full-time as Joanne I get to feel I upped my Being Authentic level from perhaps 80% to 95%?  But the unknowns, other people, my response to the world as it changes as it surely will.  If gaining an additional 15% authenticity worth loosing perhaps 40% or more of the other factors that I define myself by. Plus, I am not in this alone. My spouse is also with me on this trip (for now). I have responsibilities not just to myself, but to the "Us".

Unlike many here on Susan's, most days I feel I do not NEED to transition. I have those days/weeks, in the past even more. I have the paperwork filled out for my membership in the Transition or Die club. I also am all too painfully aware of the forces that necessitated me to take on the Trans-Beast for real. It was the loss of the major factor I define myself as, and the imminent loss of another major factor. Add in waaaay too much time alone thanks to that. I absolutely cannot go there again as a direct result of chasing after a Fool's Dream. I see myself as having been kicked in the gonads back to reality too many times in the past, and present, for trying to do something for me.

But.... Is where I am today "Good Enough?" 

Is not being totally authentic why I feel as I do living here at the corner of Hopelessness and Futility? Being almost totally authentic has allowed me to take ownership of all the amazing accomplishments I've had in my life, which previously meant absolutely nothing to me. Just things I "was expected" to do and not the amazing feats that they were. There is no way of knowing beyond taking a similar incredible leap of faith that got me to where I am today. From 0% authentic to a good 80%.

[Deborah]

My therapist asked me one day; "What difference would there be in how I feel if I showed up to work as Joanne?". TBH, after scared, none. I know, I OWN, being Joanne now. Being otherwise means I revert back to that lifeless soulless THING I had become over years of supressing her.

Your whole post really resonates with me and I enjoyed reading it.  I have only been confronting this now for a year and am probably only up to about 50% rather than your 80% but your thoughts are mine.

I have been thinking a lot lately about what I quoted from your post above.   Other than the possible gain of being called a different name several times a day I'm not really sure.  Would people I have known for years and decades see me as a new person or would they just be polite?  Being polite is certainly nice but if the underlying perception is the same then what have I gained?

Certainly I could wear different clothes but of the few women who actually work where I do at least half usually don't dress a whole lot differently than I do now.  Hair is an issue but there I'm lucky to still have my own and it's already longer than some of the CIS women there.  And there is always the possibility of a bad outcome at work.  I read about them often enough on this forum.

I don't know.  My thoughts are constantly in flux except for the certainty that stepping backwards isn't an option. 

The only thing I do earnestly feel is that I'm finally on the train rather than just sitting in the station feeling sorry for myself and hating life.  Being in motion, even if the final destination remains murky, has given me hope and joy in living again.


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[Lili]

I don't consider myself mtf too but more of an androgyny. I am on low dose hrt and don't like to dress in obvious female clothings like a dress. At most women jeans, tshirts, office shirts.

Over the years with my T-level dropping, my feminine side tends to come out more which made me decide to begin hrt (currently a month into it). I live as a guy and don't intend to come out as a female. People sees me as a very feminine looking male which i want them to be, although sometimes i get mistaken as a lady but i don't dislike it.

I am able to live this way i suppose mainly because i am asexual and also don't understand the point of dating and relationships, so loving myself more than others and do not want to regret to not at least start hrt. Strangely, alot more guys hit on me than ladies, and i am only attracted to tomboyish girls with short hair.

[Amy413]

A lot of good things have been said here. Transition is a huge, terrifying thing.
I have found myself questioning the very nature of reality to explain this to myself.
I have gone through hell and back in order to figure out who I am and how "authentic" I am being.

Authenticity is a problem burdening all of humanity. We have a tendency to identify ourselves with labels, and not explore our own souls and learn about ourselves, good and bad. Most find something they don't like and run and find something to hide behind. Our economy is based upon that.

We are not those labels. Things like "male" and "female" are deeply misunderstood concepts. Truly gender is but another dimension of the universe. Terms like "male" and "female" only represent relative positioning in that higher dimensional space. Everything has a position in the dimension of gender, many languages recognize this in some way or another with masculine and feminine words.

And "sexual orientation"? lol. really now. love is love as long as two souls respect each other and nurture each other. everything else is made up nonsense based in fear and hatred.

Our bodies? vehicles, a really tight fitting outfit for our spirits, more of a fancy space suit. To think that someone is actually an abstract description of a sub-system code, poorly represented by an "X" and a "Y"? Really. dna is a fluid thing. It's always mutating. especially the 23rd chromosome. That "vehicle" blueprint is constantly being refined by nature. The dna is only bits floating on the surface of the pond, it is our spirits that make ripples in that pond.

But also sometimes you drive around in a car for years that you don't really like, isn't comfortable, not even your style. That starts to get depressing. Time for some modifications. So who cares if you make your "GMC" look like a "ferrari". Sure off road vehicles can be loads of fun, but so can a curvy sports car

I find myself asking myself, what kind of vehicle do I want to drive? Which is an authentic expression of me and my style? And why does it even matter what others think about how I have "tricked out my ride."?

We are raised to feel socially insecure. It's a tragic side effect of media culture. Everyone is effected in different ways, that's how they sell things.... marketing 101.

Some of us however are much more hypersensitive to everything and all that gets amplified. We are aware of the silly games people play around gender and sex and know we are something more. Something that can't be contained with labels.

Currently, I am "not transitioning" mostly out of fear. I have social and career challenges hanging me up. I don't have a ton of money anyway. I had panic attacks from the fear ahead of getting my wisdom teeth out, the idea of surgery on several areas of my body freaks me out. I am physically very hypersensitive. Extremely body-conscious. Aware of a distracting amount of my internal processes. I will be acutely aware of every detail of any procedures done to me. I'm going to need to hire a leonardo da vinci. Not so much for the outward appearance, that would of course help, but I am so sensitive, i want someone who is an absolute master in the field of reconstructive surgery. I can over-obsess on fine details of my body, a mistake would make me insane. Even if it is an invisible, sub surface flaw in workmanship. My minds eye will zero in it and distract me from everything.

I'm not in a situation where I can do this in a hurry anyhow. And I feel I really need to cross-examine myself and check all the details of such a process. I don't take scalpels lightly.

I hope to just gradually shift from one state to another. My hair is growing out quite nicely, I am blessed with no balding at 45. I have a naturally androgynous build and have recently returned to my teenage body size .

Most of my insecurities about my appearance are actually age related rather than gender. I might even not need face work beyond skin care.

But I am isolated socially. This is actually quite HUGE progress for me coming up on a forum like this. Not long ago, I spoke to NO-ONE about this subject. I have bottled this up very tightly for a long time.

baby steps.

and sometimes it takes a while to commit.

[gennee]

Hi Jera. Surgery/HRT is not right for everybody. You need to find where you are happy and comfortable. I haven't had surgery or taken hormones but I have found a place where I am comfortable. Passing is nice but it should not determine how you live your life.

😊