This guy I met online...

[Annaiyah]

I'm in kind of deep.

So I met this guy online. He doesn't know i'm trans at all.

On the website where we met, he'd been messaging me frequently and we kind of went from there. He does live relatively near me. He seems like a really nice guy.

I do look a little different than I do in the pictures, not drastically though. But I'm still feeling nervous about telling him I'm trans and seeing I look different in the pictures.

We did exchange numbers and we would text since last night. He called me last night too and we briefly spoke. Today he's frequently texting me again.

I wanted to meet him in person, like at a mall or something well populated. That's when if ever I'll tell him I'm transgender.

What do you guys think of this situation.

[Ashey]

I think this kind of anxiety could have been avoided by having been upfront about it in the first place. I know that's not popular opinion around here but it's my opinion~

*Flies awaaay.*

[suzifrommd]

I think this kind of anxiety could have been avoided by having been upfront about it in the first place. I know that's not popular opinion around here but it's my opinion~

This ^^^

My gender therapist has been working with trans people for more than two decades. In all that time she's never seem a relationship between a trans woman and a cis straight guy survive the guy finding the the woman is trans. The only relationships that seemed to have a chance were where the guy knew from the very start.

If I meet someone who doesn't know I'm trans and we arrange a date, I always let him know before the date, so he can back out if he wants. If he does, at least I know why it didn't work out.

[Dena]

I may be the last one to ask because I have zero experience dating but it depends on how comfortable you are with others knowing your past. As long as your relationship isn't serious and it confined to getting to know each other, it shouldn't be important that he knows your history. My opinion is if the relationship is reaching the point where someone could be hurt when the truth comes out, it's time to put your cards on the table.

I know you are still pre surgical but some girls have remained stealth all the way through a marriage. They were comfortable doing something like that but personally, I would not be. What every you decide, it's not my place to judge you. Ask your self the same question. How long would you want somebody to withhold something like that from you.

[Laura_7]

Just try to relax *hugs*

There are quite a few people who don't tell right from the start because they want a chance to be seen as who they are as a person.

If you do not make a big deal out of it its more likely they react in kind.

You might tell that there are studies showing being transgender is biological, to do with development before birth.
So its literally a girls brain in a mans body and vice versa.
http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf

The usual remedy is to adapt the body, which is possible with hormones.
So the body is the real deal... and they are attracted by femininity.

You might test the waters by asking how they stand in lgbt issues.
Maybe asking about a movie or a series. But it might just give a hint.

Wish you luck ... if they really like you its possible they come around.

I'd say consider your safety when doing it .. one option might be over skype for example...
or as you said in a public place.

many *hugs*

[Ms Grace]

I find it much easier (and safer) to drop the T Bomb before I meet in public. Avoids unpleasant scenes and prevents accusations of catfishing, deception or worse. If they're a decent person they'll meet up regardless.

[Ashey]

There are quite a few people who don't tell right from the start because they want a chance to be seen as who they are as a person.

Yeah but that's making the assumption that every person you tell is only going to see you as 'trans' and nothing else. If you find people like that, they aren't worth your time anyway. There are plenty of people out there that aren't going to care one way or another, and others who can look past it easily and see you as a person first and foremost. How about giving cis people some credit here?? Unless you have extensive dating experience to back up your assumptions, then that's all they are. I'm not particularly fond of the mindset that we have to deceive people to be accepted or treated as people. And I know it's not deceiving people, but when you have that kind of mindset then you're treating it that way. Also, if you're going to tell them at all, why wait? If it's a deal-breaker for them, which they could have stated earlier on, then you've wasted your time and theirs. I just don't get that. I think it is in fact deceptive if you assume they might not be okay with it and purposely neglect to tell them to try to emotionally manipulate them into liking you. I'm sorry but that's what's going on. Again, my opinion. I'm sure some ladies around here are going to chime in saying that it's worked for them, but I don't see that as evidence for setting a precedent.

[Laura_7]

I find it much easier (and safer) to drop the T Bomb before I meet in public. Avoids unpleasant scenes and prevents accusations of catfishing, deception or worse. If they're a decent person they'll meet up regardless.

Imagine you are a person who has never heard of transgender people.

Well it might be easier you hear of it from a person you come to know a bit already...
if its a stranger imo people are a bit more likely to move on.

Well I personally would not compare it to a bomb.
It simply is.
Its nobodys fault and I personally would not connect it with a device designed to do damage.

Some poeple are even proud of it because they have a better understanding of what male and female means.
And we are rare ... like unicorns.

*hugs* 

[Annaiyah]

I may be the last one to ask because I have zero experience dating but it depends on how comfortable you are with others knowing your past. As long as your relationship isn't serious and it confined to getting to know each other, it shouldn't be important that he knows your history. My opinion is if the relationship is reaching the point where someone could be hurt when the truth comes out, it's time to put your cards on the table.

I know you are still pre surgical but some girls have remained stealth all the way through a marriage. They were comfortable doing something like that but personally, I would not be. What every you decide, it's not my place to judge you. Ask your self the same question. How long would you want somebody to withhold something like that from you.

Dena,

Thanks again for another insightful response. To answer your question, let's say for instance I were actually born a female, a cis straight female, and I met this charming guy who really likes me a lot and who i really like a lot, except that he was actually born a girl and became a man through surgery and hormones.

Being trans myself, i can completely understand wanting to be accepted and treated as your preferred gender however at the same time I would want him to feel the confidence to tell me that about him because at the end of the day, what's ANY relationship if you're going to keep secrets? Let alone something as big as being born one gender and having transitioned to the other.

And to everyone else who replied, i was never going to not tell him so that's not the issue. I just felt like meeting in person for the first time is a good time for me to let him know.

That's why for my safety I'm meeting him in a well-populated venue, like a shopping mall.

[Ms Grace]

Well each situation and each person is different. When it comes to potential intimate relationships the whole issue of when and how we out ourselves is particularly fraught. Some straight cis men in particular, no matter how lovely they may be online or in texts or chats, can take varying degrees of umbrage when they find out the person they've been courting is "not" what they believe to be a "real" woman. I don't say that to frighten or deter you, and it is great that you are taking the right steps for your safety to arrange this in public, but please be careful.

[stephaniec]

personally , for myself I would text him say that I was trans and if it made a difference. It's definitely something I dealt with beforehand .

[stephaniec]

of course if you were post op I for myself wouldn't feel it as urgent to say anything, but I'd rather a partner know early.

[firestarter]

Hi, my advice is to tell him before you even arrange to meet him. What if you spend all the time and effort getting ready, and being really anxious from the time you arrange to meet him, to the actual meeting, which you will do. Why put yourself through that. Tell him before you arrange to meet him, that's the straight up, honest and correct way to do it. Absolutely no doubt. Not telling him is deceitful, and will put you in a terrible light with him immediately.

[Laura_7]

Hi, my advice is to tell him before you even arrange to meet him. What if you spend all the time and effort getting ready, and being really anxious from the time you arrange to meet him, to the actual meeting, which you will do. Why put yourself through that. Tell him before you arrange to meet him, that's the straight up, honest and correct way to do it. Absolutely no doubt. Not telling him is deceitful, and will put you in a terrible light with him immediately.

Well imo its their personal judgement when to tell.

Imo if they feel they rather tell in person its their decision, and their intuitive insight.


*hugs*

[Annaiyah]

Ok. Just told him. At the time I posted this, I am extremely anxiously awaiting his reaction!

[Laura_7]

Ok. Just told him. At the time I posted this, I am extremely anxiously awaiting his reaction!

Sending good thoughts your way.


*hugs*

[Annaiyah]

Update:

I told him on the site we met up in because it's too much for a text. He replied back to my pm but i'm scared to read it. His texts are slower than before i told him. But he and i are still casually talking. He did say before the big reveal that he is boxing at the gym.

[kittenpower]

Yeah but that's making the assumption that every person you tell is only going to see you as 'trans' and nothing else. If you find people like that, they aren't worth your time anyway. There are plenty of people out there that aren't going to care one way or another, and others who can look past it easily and see you as a person first and foremost. How about giving cis people some credit here?? Unless you have extensive dating experience to back up your assumptions, then that's all they are. I'm not particularly fond of the mindset that we have to deceive people to be accepted or treated as people. And I know it's not deceiving people, but when you have that kind of mindset then you're treating it that way. Also, if you're going to tell them at all, why wait? If it's a deal-breaker for them, which they could have stated earlier on, then you've wasted your time and theirs. I just don't get that. I think it is in fact deceptive if you assume they might not be okay with it and purposely neglect to tell them to try to emotionally manipulate them into liking you. I'm sorry but that's what's going on. Again, my opinion. I'm sure some ladies around here are going to chime in saying that it's worked for them, but I don't see that as evidence for setting a precedent.

Sound advice ^^^

[Laura_7]

Update:

I told him on the site we met up in because it's too much for a text. He replied back to my pm but i'm scared to read it. His texts are slower than before i told him. But he and i are still casually talking. He did say before the big reveal that he is boxing at the gym.

*hugs*

Well if you grab a cup of tea... calm down ... and try to read it ?


*hugs*

[cindianna_jones]

The hardest thing we have to do in our lives is to prove we are "worthy" of human love before we drop the bomb. And that is quite an order. I think the best way to do that is to get involved in group activities. Lots of people get to know you before you need tell them. I know this doesn't affect this specific problem but it might help down the road.

It's an idea.