I Kinda Wanna Stop Coming Here

[Emileeeee]

I took a few breaks from here early on too. My reasoning was a little different though. The more time I spent on the forums, the faster I wanted to move and it was too fast for me at the time. There are also a lot of horror stories in these forums that were scaring me. Now that I'm a little further along in the process and know my own story, I come back here maybe 2-3 times a week just to see if I can add any input.

[Tristyn]

I mean, I like this site alot and everything. I just hate how I get in my moments like this and then flip out somewhere in public almost immediately afterwards. I wish I could be like most people who can mask their troubles with the happy face as if nothing is wrong in their life versus how I am now. The only way for me to have a handle on my emotions is to numb them like a zombie. Its either that or blow up from too much emotion. Just no balance there. I mean, I know I am not the only one with problems but I guess it just seems like it sometimes. I feel like the only person here who has zero friends (except my brother, sort of) and no real social life.

[Ms Grace]

No, you are not the only one with problems but the problems you have are real and they are your problems. Like all problems its a case of figuring out how to deal/cope/work with them if you want your life to improve. It can happen but it takes a lot of determination, it won't happen overnight but it need not take years. There's no single one size fits all remedy either, it's your life so it has to be your solution. Some people will help you, others will claim to be helping but actually do the opposite, others still will just try to tear you down... getting rid of toxic people is often the first best step to taking control of your life and your destiny. And don't kid yourself that everyone else out there has it all worked out, for most if not all them everything in life is a day by day progression...

[Emileeeee]

Just because people don't tell you about their problems during the day doesn't mean they aren't silently suffering at night every bit as much as anybody else is. They just learned to not speak of them to anybody. I cried myself to sleep for 40 years, but appeared emotionless in public. Never told a soul.

[susanlogan1203]

Not useless at all.  I'm new to the site and I'm not sure how to use it.  But I know I need it as I'm trans and my son and daughter are both trans too!  Every little bit helps just now.

Sent from my Lenovo TAB 2 A8-50F using Tapatalk

[Tristyn]

No, you are not the only one with problems but the problems you have are real and they are your problems. Like all problems its a case of figuring out how to deal/cope/work with them if you want your life to improve. It can happen but it takes a lot of determination, it won't happen overnight but it need not take years. There's no single one size fits all remedy either, it's your life so it has to be your solution. Some people will help you, others will claim to be helping but actually do the opposite, others still will just try to tear you down... getting rid of toxic people is often the first best step to taking control of your life and your destiny. And don't kid yourself that everyone else out there has it all worked out, for most if not all them everything in life is a day by day progression...

Not negating your advice here. I totally agree with you and all, but what if you don't have a choice but to be around certain toxic people, like at a job or something, who love to criticize and rip you up emotionally? Or what if you have to live with such a person? Then what? I still agree that ridding such people from our lives would do anyone a heck of alot of justice though. So awesome advice here, Ms. Grace.

Just because people don't tell you about their problems during the day doesn't mean they aren't silently suffering at night every bit as much as anybody else is. They just learned to not speak of them to anybody. I cried myself to sleep for 40 years, but appeared emotionless in public. Never told a soul.

That's true, Emile. But I think its awful that people can't be honest even with their own expression of feelings, including myself. I think its sad that I am getting closer and closer to the point of not telling anyone how I really feel in public, unless it is with my therapist. I just think for now that crying myself to sleep at night alone in my room would be much better than flipping out in front of people in public.

Not useless at all.  I'm new to the site and I'm not sure how to use it.  But I know I need it as I'm trans and my son and daughter are both trans too!  Every little bit helps just now.

Sent from my Lenovo TAB 2 A8-50F using Tapatalk

Yeah, I totally agree. This site is definitely not useless. And that's a rare life situation you have there; having trans kids as a parent I think helps to put you all on the same page and that's always an awesome thing.

[schwarzwalderkirschtort]

If it really bothers you, just leave. No point staying if you get nothing out of it.

[FTMax]

If it really bothers you, just leave. No point staying if you get nothing out of it.

Agree. There comes a point when you have to decide if it is truly what is best for you to stay in that situation. Ultimately you're in charge of your own destiny. You can't wait for someone else to take the reins and make the changes you want to see happen, you have to do it yourself.

[Katiepie]

Phoenix,

I consider you and everyone here personally as family. We all have been growing in our very own ways, and relaying our own messages of hope, help, despair and everything truly in between. We do have the wonderful off topic subjects in hobbies, gaming, cooking even, etc. So if there is a need for a break from all the overall atmosphere of trans identity and all, there is a wide range of stuff to do here.

I am neither trying to keep you here, nor am I trying to kick you out. In fact I would never instigate anyone leave. I cannot make YOUR decisions for YOU. That is totally how you take control of what would happen for your own sake, your own sanity and justice to your well being.
Though I hope that through everything, in one way shape or form is that I can make an impact, that would help you shape your own destiny, your rightful calling, etc.. I just hope through the troubling and as well as awesome moments in your life, you can be safeguarded from any harm.
I hope that if you do decide to take a short or even a long break, that you would come back to your family here at Susan's.

Again, I cannot control what you decide to do, all I ask for is that you will be as safe as can be on whatever way you choose to take a path towards your greater good.

Kate <3

[sparrow]

Man, there has got to be a way to get you out from your pops house.  Have you talked to your social worker about options to get out?  That man is killing you.  Literally.  You need life, you need love, you need a community, you need family... sounds like you're not getting any of that.  You need to ghost that man for a few years, at least.  There's a way out.  I know you can find a way.  If you can't find a way, man... there's a point where living on the street can be easier to deal with than living with him.  Get on a bus, move to a city with a trans community, get in with people and make a life.  I know you need dialysis, but you can get that in any city.

This is terrifying to contemplate... but people do this and make it work:  buy a bus ticket to a big city, and throw yourself on the safety net of that city's social programs.  I won't sugar-coat this.  You might end up in the ER for dialysis.  This might count against you for getting a kidney.  These risks, and others, are severe.  But... you can thrive if you get out.

[Tristyn]

Thanks for the support you guys. While it's difficult for me to really explain my situation, I do not expect anyone here to understand the full scope of it. Now, with that being said, things are bad but I would rather put up with living with my father while getting myself squared away in school than living on the streets or in a shelter. I am not sure if any of you guys need dialysis treatments but I cannot just walk to whatever clinic I want and say "Hey, give me dialysis." It's not like that at all. Like everything else in life, this is a process in and of itself. The medical director of the facility must accept you and that does not happen overnight. And the ER does not do dialysis.

I would have to be admitted to the hospital and that would be risky because they might want to discharge me because my symptoms may seem non-threatening to them, them being the medical staff. I am trying to just hang in there. I think being at home with my dad is not great but it is much better than being on the streets. Perhaps if I did not have all these health challenges I might have considered it. But now I am going to school and will have to make it work. Education is my only way out now. I tried the military and that didn't work out cause I'm too sick. I tried finding an entry level job but that doesn't work because I have almost zero qualifications from lack of work experience. What other real choices do I have? Education is my last and final hope. I will probably end my existence if it doesn't work out...So, it has to work out.

[cindianna_jones]

KP, yes. Education is absolutely your best option. Do whatever you can to go as far as you can go. My education saved me from a life of poverty. I have known too many T's that have failed miserably because they didn't have enough education to lead a successful life. Whether it is in the trades or formal university, please get yourself qualified for a bright future. I can't imagine what it must be to have to get dialysis treatments. But I do have diabetes with complications, so I have a slight insight into what you are going through. Be well, my friend.

Cindi

[Annis]

I always thought that I was the only one like me. Even after going to a local LGBT meeting a few times, it didn't seem like there were any more people who didn't feel right in their gender. However, as it turns out, 3 of my friends turned out to be FTM and i was introduced to another MTF. This place might not be the answer to everything but it helps when there are questions. There might already be people you know who are TG and you don't know it.

[KarlMars]

I'm friends with several crowds, and it's obvious I wear men's clothing and have a man's haircut and seem like a really butch woman. I wonder how many of my friends that are cis gender will stand by me when I start taking T.

I have a feeling that some of the religious ones who don't believe in diversity as much as I do will talk about repentance and say that my lifestyle is "turning my back on God". I have a personal relationship with God, and know that he created me this way. Humans are inherently sinful but loved unconditionally and forgiven. When I feel more comfortable in the real body I should have had I will have a better quality of life to better live in Christ.

[Debra]

Lots have been here and left. I left for a time and I'm still not very active anymore. I have the same feelings in some ways. I'm kinda sick of talking about gender for the most part and I've moved on.

[KarlMars]

Not negating your advice here. I totally agree with you and all, but what if you don't have a choice but to be around certain toxic people, like at a job or something, who love to criticize and rip you up emotionally? Or what if you have to live with such a person? Then what? I still agree that ridding such people from our lives would do anyone a heck of alot of justice though. So awesome advice here, Ms. Grace.

That's true, Emile. But I think its awful that people can't be honest even with their own expression of feelings, including myself. I think its sad that I am getting closer and closer to the point of not telling anyone how I really feel in public, unless it is with my therapist. I just think for now that crying myself to sleep at night alone in my room would be much better than flipping out in front of people in public.

Yeah, I totally agree. This site is definitely not useless. And that's a rare life situation you have there; having trans kids as a parent I think helps to put you all on the same page and that's always an awesome thing.

That's what this place is for to come and talk about how you feel about being transgender. Your therapist and the internet is probably the only place you should talk about your feelings. It's not appropriate at work. Most people don't tell their feelings in everyday interactions.

As for crying at night- that's considered a healthy and natural emotional outlet if you need it. I don't mean to push anything on you, but I suggest prayer no matter what you believe. You're here for a reason and the world needs sensitive people. We all have feelings, but few of us are sensitive.

Channel all your emotions into work or a hobby. Find other trans people to hang out with. If there's a Unitarian Universalist Church in your city I suggest you go there for support. They are active with LGBT rights and you don't have to be religious at all to be a member.