Losing my motivation

[KathyLauren]

Lately, I have noticed that my dysphoria is way down, like almost gone.  A big part the change happened once I accepted that I was trans; it was like, "Ah, I can relax now." 

Now, as I am am switching my mindset from "Gotta come out sometime" to "Gonna do it any day now", the rest of the dysphoria has almost vanished.  WTF??  I find myself now questioning if I am even trans at all.  I am feeling okay with being male.

Is my mind playing tricks on me?  It feels like the last 60 years have been a bad dream.  Is it going to come back and bite me?

[sparrow]

I go through periods of this.

[Denise]

Kathy,

   Mine ebbs and flows as well.  Everyone's dysphoria manifests itself differently. Mine puts me in a state of depression and makes me mad at the world.  I too went through the same thing on a daily basis.  I think it was due to my mind questioning transitioning.  But it became obvious to me what caused the flare-ups of dysphoria in February.  Read on for details...

On December 19th I "stepped off the transition train" for family commitments through the holidays.  By the end of January I was ready to bite anyone's head off.  I was days away from a divorce and total self destruction.  I won't go into details but by the end of the first week in February I was "back on the train" (found a new therapist and talked to my wife for hours about it, etc) and immediately my whole outlook changed, no more depression and bye-bye dysphoria.

     Now that I've accepted that I'm going to be a (trans)woman (that was hard for me to grasp) I'm actually looking forward to the journey as well as the final result.  I FEEL GREAT!  I'm happy, no more dysphoria (although I'm still totally distracted by it) in a bad way.  I'm like a kid before Christmas. 

     I have yet to take my first dose of hormones (hopefully in March) and the dysphoria has waned enough for me to function.  Sure it comes back, but only for fleeting moments when I'm overwhelmed by the transition process.

This is my experience, yours may vary.

[Deborah]

I have gone through this too.  What happened in my case was HRT reduced the dysphoria to the extent that I didn't feel it anymore and I was happy being myself.  So I mistakenly thought I was cured and stopped HRT.  Within months the dysphoria was back with a vengeance.

So now, on HRT again, the dysphoria is again pretty much gone and I am happy with myself.  However, I don't take this to mean that some sort of transition is unnecessary.  It just means that whatever that transition turns out to be it will incorporate what I already am without any striving to meet some unobtainable stereotype.



Sapere Aude

[cindianna_jones]

Lately, I have noticed that my dysphoria is way down, like almost gone.  A big part the change happened once I accepted that I was trans; it was like, "Ah, I can relax now." 
.....
Is my mind playing tricks on me?  It feels like the last 60 years have been a bad dream.  Is it going to come back and bite me?

Feel lucky! Look, if it goes away, you are in a great place! I'm serious. I've never known anyone who managed to get out of this train wreck but if you are that person, my best to you. I'd really like to know how this turns out for you. I wouldn't wish dysphoria on anyone.

Cindi

[JenniferLopezgomez]

I hope you find what brings you happiness. I am full-time female now for a year. I don't "lose any motivation" to be female because I AM female. I am legally female on my Passport, medically female, still pre-op but okay that is usually later anyway, I've been in a nationwide Pageant as a Contestant, and done many other wonderful everyday things that we women do. I will use ladies toilets/restrooms/clothes fitting rooms for the rest of my life. It is routine now. I get my eyebrows and upper lip done about every 2 1/2 weeks. I have a nice daily makeup routine that I touch-up throughout the day. Most often I wear heals. I cannot "lose motivation" because I am what I am. xx

[genevie]

I've done the flippy floppy thing with do I or don't I for a while. I rate the dysphoria daily. Now it is a two. At its worst, when I told my wife, it was an eight. Our counseling this week had me saying I wished I'd never told her. Two is tolerable. I still hate the face in the mirror, but I'm not thinking of jumping off a bridge.

[sparrow]

Yeah... coming out is weird.  I'm still in the closet at work but even so, my gender expression is far from consistent.  I do what I can day to day, and sometimes I've made bad calls.  When I go too feminine one day, I deliberately dress more masculine for a few days.  That throws me into dysphoria sometimes... other times, I feel ashamed and boyish... it's awful.  Once I come out at work, that pain will go away.  The other weird thing is that when I'm managing dysphoria well at work, it makes me doubt the legitimacy of my transness, and that drives me absolutely bonkers.

[RedheadWhovian]

Yeah... coming out is weird.  I'm still in the closet at work but even so, my gender expression is far from consistent.  I do what I can day to day, and sometimes I've made bad calls.  When I go too feminine one day, I deliberately dress more masculine for a few days.  That throws me into dysphoria sometimes... other times, I feel ashamed and boyish... it's awful.  Once I come out at work, that pain will go away.  The other weird thing is that when I'm managing dysphoria well at work, it makes me doubt the legitimacy of my transness, and that drives me absolutely bonkers.

Oh my gosh, I would so love to help the TC here, but I am feeling the same way, and wow! Your post here couldn't have nailed my situation better. *hugs*

[autumn08]

You presently have greater priorities than your gender expression. If you have the opportunity to meet your greater priorities though, gender dysphoria will return. Happiness requires us to continually move our goal posts further away.

[Tasha_]

I was feeling that way.... Back and forth for a while. I am coming to realize that I identify as me... Feminine sometimes and masculine others.... I think it is okay to be fluid. If you can find a balance and find a way to transition along with your feelings it will help... You can find a thread in here, pulling off my nails and putting man-clothes on.... That des robes a pretty dramatic shift in my feelings one day do to emotion.... But I was  ever like "I don't want to keep going", it was more "I don't feel that way right now".... We all babe different journeys... And you never know for sure how you'll feel tomorrow.... Or 10 minutes later for that matter.

Just remember what ever feelings you are having, or had yesterday are valid. And even if we didn't feel the way we do about our gender, we would still feel like our minds have been playing tricks on us....

Hope you get to feeling better!!!

[AnonyMs]

I get this when I make some progress. Everything's good for a while, then it all comes back only worse.

In fact everything is great right now. I'm just wondering how long this time...

[kathb31]

Kathy,
The back in forth moods I very much understand. My emotions about transitioning
can change from 1 hour to the next and I can get very down and depressed trying
to figure out how to get to a stable place. I know I don't want to spend the rest
of my days in this male body and be buried male. But there is work, friends, extended
family .. not sure how to make it work. I told my wife last year and this did relieve alot
of stress and pressure. She does not want to talk about or know about anything trans
which bothers me. If you feel happy and content being male then this wouldn't be
a bad thing. Hope you can find the right and comfortable place for yourself.

All the best
Kath