wife, kids, job, and I'm miserable

[crystalwishes]

I came on here this morning looking for a way forward, I'm not sure there is one.

I have a career, a wife, kids, a dog, cat, house, family on both sides, and I'm depressed, sad, bummed. I Don't like the life I've chosen. Yet I love my wife, and I love my kids, I don't love myself. When I say I love my wife, I love her but I'm not sure I'm in love with her anymore. To many issues between us, to many miles, but our relationship is comfortable we watch TV together, take care of the kids, hug on each other, sex is far and in between because we are tired most of the time from life itself and I want her to instigate and she wants me to instigate so it doesn't happen much.

I have started seeing a counselor, but its not helping. we talk about the things I already know.

There are days I'm considering my exit options, and that's not a good thing, I feel like its to late, I should have done something about the who I am, a long time ago and didn't and now the cards in my hand is what I have to live with. I put myself where I am at today. I created children, I picked the job and career (20 years same company), I picked the place I live and I picked the people around me. I picked the person I am with and who I made marriage vows to.

Ultimately my choices have put me where I'm at.

AND...as others have said...I too feel a coward, I'm afraid, scared, and alone inside. I can't tell my wife what I want because it is 'game over' if I do. Believe me I know this for sure. So I dress in secret while she is at work and I hide everything, internet browser history, every thing. Which I hate doing, I hate being dis-ingenuous to her, but I have NO other choice in the manner. She is an alpha female and I'm a beta female(my outward gender is male) and if she found out she would divorce me and take everything I have. Thats a fact, not a fear, but a fact.

so there are days where I consider taking my own life, there are days I consider leaving, then most days I immerse myself in work, my kids, books, watching TV with my wife or remodeling our home, and I also escape by playing female MMO characters. Then there are days where its OK and I resign to the hand of cards I hold and I'm mostly happy.

Yet...If there was a way out where no body got hurt I'd take it. I don't see one, and like the medical saying "do no harm" I stay frozen in my life, desperately looking for a way forward that will make me happy and I see none so I plod on. My wife has no clue how unhappy I am, and again if I told her she would leave me and I'm not ready for that.

[girlygirl002]

Hey.. don't be so hard with yourself, sweetie..   

You deserve to be happy like everybody.. Is not an easy race.. and you will have obstacles.. it's normal.. but think.. Is for your happines, for being your real you.. and beeing in peace with yourself. Take all the time that you need to do that.. but please, don't feel sad for start this way... 


We support you here.. don't feel alone, we are with you.

[Ella~]

I really feel your pain. I can relate to most of this. I'm not in a good enough place with my own situation to have much advice to offer you and there are others here who surely would have better things to tell you.

All I can say - and I say it to myself often - is that none of us can know the future. As certain as we can be about how things might turn out, we just really don't know. That applies to everything. The world is too complex and people are too complex for us to really be certain of outcomes.

I also have to remind myself that I'm not a bad person for being trans or being so totally in the closet for so long. And, in the end, I absolutely want to see my kids in the future when they are grown up. That keeps me going during the dark moments when nothing else will.

Be strong.

- ella

[RobynD]

Thanks for sharing. My heart goes out to you. At least you know many are in the same boat and have faced the same choices. Therapy is important in these sort of situations. They help us deal with the feelings of fear and hopelessness.

Sometimes you have to change the paradigm in life. Change puts everything into a different prospective and helps get us out of the rut. That could be a new hobby, interest or job change. You used the love her, but not in love thing and i'd question that if i were you, love is way more a verb than a noun. When you are ultra-familiar and comfortable with someone love is just love. Maybe its not exciting and new (sorry love boat theme there) but its love, because you choose to love her.

You may find great happiness on the other side of all those major changes. Co-parenting and apart, poor again, lots of time on your hands and a new job, transitioning to the person you are. Whatever you choose, it sounds like you need to begin to make some changes now to get some happiness and get out of the feelings of hopelessness. It could be very small changes and see where it goes from there.

[Dena]

It's a very hard decision you face but something troubles me about a relationship like this. The wedding vows say something like for better or for worst, in sickness and in health. I have never been in a relationship but if I were, I would expect my partner to be by my side no matter what as I would be by their side no matter what. I question the type of marriage you have if you wife is with you only when things are going her way.

About half of the marriage break up but many people are surprised at the support they receive from their spouse when they decide to end the pain they have faced for so many years. I want the best for both of you but I can't promise you anything. You know your life better than I do.

[Thessa]

I can feel your pain!
One year ago I was in a similar spot like you are now and I did everything not to loss my family and especially my wife.
I don't know if I still love her, after all the things that happend the past months, but I guess I do.

Still I get divorced and I feel happy about it, I realized that I have to put my needs in the first row (this time), so that I can be a better parent to my kids, a better and authentic person to the world. I contemplated to take my life and be done with it once and for all, but I want to see my kids grow up and if I have to accept that my wife is not willing to go this way with me, so be it. (Trust me it took me quite some time to be so easy about it)

It's a very hard decision you face but something troubles me about a relationship like this. The wedding vows say something like for better or for worst, in sickness and in health. I have never been in a relationship but if I were, I would expect my partner to be by my side no matter what as I would be by their side no matter what. I question the type of marriage you have if you wife is with you only when things are going her way.

This is what I mean, at the time where I would have needed her support she turned her back on me.
So I turn my back on her now and kick her out of the house (maybe that's the difference, I have the feeling that I became the alpha female in our relationship).

Still it might be possible that your wife suprises you!
I have seen support from people I did expect to have a hard time with and from my wife (who knew about my transness from the beginning of our relationship and still married me) I got a knife in the back.

Recently I stumbled over words of wisdom: "When your relationship doesn't help you become a better person, ending it does."

I wish you all the best at finding happiness and I have always an open ear if you need someone.

Hugs, Thessa