Why can't I be successful?

[richie]

As I progress through college, I'm beginning to find myself more and more distracted by my gender identity. I never realized that I was actually struggling over self image/gender identity issues until a very close friend of mine pointed it out. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions for the past few years. I go through months of being depressed and being 150 lbs to suddenly becoming optimistic and 95 lbs. I know it sounds crazy, but I'm not making this up.
In high school, I went through a huge period of depression. I never left my bed and I always called in sick from school. I gained so much weight. I finally started to feel better as my hair grew out and stuff.
However, now, my hair is cut short again and my dad expects me to be the way he wants. I started HRT behind his back. I hope to hide it from him as long as possible.

I just thought I was being an irresponsible teenager, but it might just be that I'm still struggling to accept myself for who I am.

My family doesn't love me for who I am, that's for sure. Every time my dad says he "loves" me, it kind of feels odd because I know that he only loves the straight male version of me- the version of me that he sees as a "lady's man" and a boy that fixed himself from a gender identity crisis (we have discussed my sexuality & gender identity many times before. He's 100% against it)
In fact, I keep lying to him and telling him that I'm into girls to butter him up. He's my main source of money and that's all I've grown to see him as. Without him, I don't have anyone to pay for my food, college housing, etc.

I don't consciously get sad about my family not accepting me, but I'm starting to think that it's subconsciously effecting me. I lost all desire to do anything. I avoid homework, studying, and basically anything that involves responsibility.

I went from 95 lbs to 120 again in an instant. It's only taken me a month to get here. I eat like sh*t all the time even though I used to be so healthy a month ago. I completely gave up cardio and my healthy diet. I feel like this cycle happens twice a year. I go from happy, healthy, and living in the moment to miserable, unmotivated, and unhealthy.

My grades are starting to slip as well and now I'm concerned that I might not be able to reach my ultimate goal of going to graduate school after I finish my undergrad. I went from having a 3.8 GPA to suddenly having a 2.6. I eat nothing but chocolate cake, McDonald's, and cookies. I just think that I might as well continue to eat because I'm already ugly and a weird "->-bleeped-<-" anyway.

I feel like a freak every day. I have to deepen my voice and walk like a man just to feel better being around boys in my school. I don't want them to think I'm a freak. I have to completely change my behavior almost every hour.
I wear these stupid baggy men's clothes that I look ridiculous in. I feel disgusting just looking at myself in these baggy boy's jeans and haircut. I have makeup but I never wear it in fear of my roommate judging me or something.

I have a huge exam tomorrow and I haven't studied a single bit for it. I'm looking at a 30% or so. My life is in ruins. I never knew my emotional ups and downs were related to my gender identity until someone else pointed it out. Who knew.

I'm sorry if this is all over the place. i just need some advice or something. I'm at a great school and I'm putting it all to waste. I feel terrible. My dreams are slowly running away from me

[richie]

Please don't think this is me begging for pity. I know that people that want pity are not truly that hopeless. Begging for pity means that it's easy to bounce back.
I'm just asking for advice from anyone that's been in the same shoes as me.


I don't know what to do. I have no motivation to study or do anything responsible. It's 2:50 AM and I have an exam at 8 AM. I'm going to McDonald's as soon as I finish typing this. I'm ashamed of what my life has become. I'm ashamed that I'm letting my own dreams down. Why can't I be trans and be happy? Why can't I be trans and strive for big goals?

[richie]

I'm truly far too embarrassed to bring this up with any of my friends. My friends just think I'm getting cravings and a lack of energy from HRT, but I know that it's not that. I've only been on HRT for a month so it can't be.

[Ms Grace]

I'd say you're depressed - it's pretty hard to feel motivated and happy when that has it's claws in you. Are you talking to a counsellor about ways to deal with it?

[Cindy]

Richie,

Young lady. Guess what I know exactly where you are coming from.

Honey, it is time to fight back.

You know those comments, there is a lovely young lady under all of this. Well there is. You are her.

You are depressed - what a surprise! You are transgender and need to deal with it.

How?

OK tomorrow's exam look like a bit of a wipe out but I want you to do something for me.

It is what I did.

I had no hope. I had nothing except my brain.

To be a lovely woman I would have to walk my own path. I may lose my parents (I did) but I could study and work like crazy. Why?

I needed money to be me, to get money I needed an education. I had a brain I could train it.

I wanted a lovely body. To get a lovely body I trained it. I pushed and I screamed but Cindy was in the window looking at me. I had to reach her.

I did, eventually.

Yes I suffered terrible depression. Yes I thought about the relief of death. But I wanted to be me.

Slowly I found the window and became her.

You can do this.

It is hard. But what you are doing now is harder.

What you are early 20's. In ten years you could be a lovely, well educated wealthy woman who walks her path with pride. And then I'll bet you $100, your Dad will then love his daughter and be very proud of her.

As he should be. As you need to be.

Cindy

[richie]

I'd say you're depressed - it's pretty hard to feel motivated and happy when that has it's claws in you. Are you talking to a counsellor about ways to deal with it?

Maybe. I will go to my university's counseling center to see.. Thank you for the reply. I appreciate it

[richie]

Richie,

Young lady. Guess what I know exactly where you are coming from.

Honey, it is time to fight back.

You know those comments, there is a lovely young lady under all of this. Well there is. You are her.

You are depressed - what a surprise! You are transgender and need to deal with it.

How?

OK tomorrow's exam look like a bit of a wipe out but I want you to do something for me.

It is what I did.

I had no hope. I had nothing except my brain.

To be a lovely woman I would have to walk my own path. I may lose my parents (I did) but I could study and work like crazy. Why?

I needed money to be me, to get money I needed an education. I had a brain I could train it.

I wanted a lovely body. To get a lovely body I trained it. I pushed and I screamed but Cindy was in the window looking at me. I had to reach her.

I did, eventually.

Yes I suffered terrible depression. Yes I thought about the relief of death. But I wanted to be me.

Slowly I found the window and became her.

You can do this.

It is hard. But what you are doing now is harder.

What you are early 20's. In ten years you could be a lovely, well educated wealthy woman who walks her path with pride. And then I'll bet you $100, your Dad will then love his daughter and be very proud of her.

As he should be. As you need to be.

Cindy

It's so hard to find the motivation. I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I can't see what I envisioned myself being. I wanted to be a well educated, independent woman that will eventually marry, adopt children, and work my dream job Mon-Friday.

My grades in college are very important for the grad school I want to go to. This semester is basically ruined. I might have to withdraw from my program entirely. The program I'm in is very picky and will drop you if you receive <78% in two core classes.

[SueNZ]

As I progress through college, I'm beginning to find myself more and more distracted by my gender identity. I never realized that I was actually struggling over self image/gender identity issues until a very close friend of mine pointed it out. I've been on a roller coaster of emotions for the past few years. I go through months of being depressed and being 150 lbs to suddenly becoming optimistic and 95 lbs. I know it sounds crazy, but I'm not making this up.
In high school, I went through a huge period of depression. I never left my bed and I always called in sick from school. I gained so much weight. I finally started to feel better as my hair grew out and stuff.
However, now, my hair is cut short again and my dad expects me to be the way he wants. I started HRT behind his back. I hope to hide it from him as long as possible.

I just thought I was being an irresponsible teenager, but it might just be that I'm still struggling to accept myself for who I am.

My family doesn't love me for who I am, that's for sure. Every time my dad says he "loves" me, it kind of feels odd because I know that he only loves the straight male version of me- the version of me that he sees as a "lady's man" and a boy that fixed himself from a gender identity crisis (we have discussed my sexuality & gender identity many times before. He's 100% against it)
In fact, I keep lying to him and telling him that I'm into girls to butter him up. He's my main source of money and that's all I've grown to see him as. Without him, I don't have anyone to pay for my food, college housing, etc.

I don't consciously get sad about my family not accepting me, but I'm starting to think that it's subconsciously effecting me. I lost all desire to do anything. I avoid homework, studying, and basically anything that involves responsibility.

I went from 95 lbs to 120 again in an instant. It's only taken me a month to get here. I eat like sh*t all the time even though I used to be so healthy a month ago. I completely gave up cardio and my healthy diet. I feel like this cycle happens twice a year. I go from happy, healthy, and living in the moment to miserable, unmotivated, and unhealthy.

My grades are starting to slip as well and now I'm concerned that I might not be able to reach my ultimate goal of going to graduate school after I finish my undergrad. I went from having a 3.8 GPA to suddenly having a 2.6. I eat nothing but chocolate cake, McDonald's, and cookies. I just think that I might as well continue to eat because I'm already ugly and a weird "->-bleeped-<-" anyway.

I feel like a freak every day. I have to deepen my voice and walk like a man just to feel better being around boys in my school. I don't want them to think I'm a freak. I have to completely change my behavior almost every hour.
I wear these stupid baggy men's clothes that I look ridiculous in. I feel disgusting just looking at myself in these baggy boy's jeans and haircut. I have makeup but I never wear it in fear of my roommate judging me or something.

I have a huge exam tomorrow and I haven't studied a single bit for it. I'm looking at a 30% or so. My life is in ruins. I never knew my emotional ups and downs were related to my gender identity until someone else pointed it out. Who knew.

I'm sorry if this is all over the place. i just need some advice or something. I'm at a great school and I'm putting it all to waste. I feel terrible. My dreams are slowly running away from me

Hi Richie,
The most successful people in life experience down times. I am 50 and have had my share of massive lows and these events have given me the strength to beat the next low. See these times as a learning curve to help you enjoy the next plateaue and then it's up the hill to the next one.
In my last year at school in New Zealand I failed English with 30%. That was a test of a subject not my character.
Go show the world how good your character can be.
XO

[richie]

Hi Richie,
The most successful people in life experience down times. I am 50 and have had my share of massive lows and these events have given me the strength to beat the next low. See these times as a learning curve to help you enjoy the next plateaue and then it's up the hill to the next one.
In my last year at school in New Zealand I failed English with 30%. That was a test of a subject not my character.
Go show the world how good your character can be.
XO

Thank you for the uplifting response 

[schwarzwalderkirschtort]

Success is a mindset, and we all get it somehow at a certain time. Maybe now isn't your time. Either way, it's gonna happen, and it's gonna need effort - anything worth having requires effort. You have the seeds, you just need to plant them and wait, and then it'll be okay. If you fail in school at the moment, it doesn't mean you can't turn it around. You can either start studying now and try to stay in the course, or start fresh when you feel like you'll be able to.

I started a new school, in a new place, in an entirely new language that I didn't speak when I was 13. I still barely scraped by until I finally rolled up my sleeves about 6 months ago, and in my last set of exams I got 4 A's and B's in everything else. You can do pretty much anything if you put in the work for it, and you'll look back in the future and be happy you did.

All you can really do is try.

[Kylo]

Not a stretch to imagine this might be why you're not being successful.

It's tough to even exist out there in that world when you don't feel like a complete person and you hate yourself or how you have to act to please people. I've always thought that mental state is everything. If you believe in yourself and are happy, nothing can stop you. If you don't and there's not a thing about life you can stand, everything can stop you.

I'd suggest continuing your transition but if you can't face those people then work toward a clean break. Let them go. It's not worth your entire life being miserable so a few people won't be inconvenienced by your problems. Chances are if you keep on this way, this problem will continue on and on. Maybe for the rest of your life. When I thought about it like that in my own case, there was no choice to make, it had to be done.

[dovah-chan]

Sadly being trans and poor is commonplace amongst the community due to the exorbitant cost of HRT and a lot of employers discriminating against trans people by not hiring them. (also some become dependent on others and do not seek employment)

The only thing you can do is to keep transitioning and persevere.  If your family does not accept you then how can they really love you at all?

Also concerning your cravings and mood swings, I'm also a month into HRT and I experience the same feelings. Lately my mind has been drifting towards sour gummy worms for some reason. 

[Tristyn]

What's up, Richie?

I can relate to your current situation. I get in my moments where it seems like nothing can get in my way, then some one comes along and stops my positiveness by calling me a "ma'am" or my dad pushes all of my buttons and I end up breaking down, going into the hospital, missing dialysis treatments, getting suicidal and wanting to be put on hospice even at the age of 27.

How do I deal with this? I have a therapist but he does not see me as often as I'd like for him too. I also take medication now. Yup. I am that determined to get better and get a hold of my mental health. I would try to focus on the positive things in your life; you have a place to live, food to eat, clothes to where, you're not starving too death like the millions of poor black kids in Zimbabwe who are too hungry to even go to school, e.t.c.

Just examples on how you can think positively. Believe me, I do struggle with this coping skill. I get in my modes where I am so angry, jealous, fearful and hateful even. But I am a tenacious individual because I am trans, because I am black, I have to be; I am a double-minority here. To be tenacious means you bounce right back up no matter how many times and how hard ya get knocked down! Please, get back up, Richie!

[richie]

Thank you all for your wonderful, encouraging replies! I truly appreciate all of your support and I support all of you just as much as you support me

I am now studying harder ever than before and I'm also taking time to appreciate other aspects of my life like my friendships and the smaller things like going out to eat every once in a while or taking a walk in the park.

Once again, thank you to everyone on this thread