Fitting Room Dysphoria (Fear, Pain, Shame, Guilt Embarrassment)

[Tristyn]

So I don't have a car, friends, or money for a cab that could take me to Ross, a clothing store down the street from my house, to return two pairs of slacks that are way too small. When I originally bought them while shopping with a really cool step sister of mine, I did not want to go in the fitting rooms. Why? Because they are so gendered and able to single out people like us, in such an uncomfortable way. I would just go into the men's but there is one teensy weensy problem; my dad. My dad would never allow for me to go into the men's, though I did once at a Wal-mart but only because he dropped me off and was not present, making the shopping experience not only more enjoyable but just doable.

If my dad saw me walk in the men's, he would create so much drama that I would have no choice but to waltz into the women's and freak out all the women. I fear that someone may tease me or say things like, "The men's is next door," as if to insult and jeer. I don't want to go through with this. But I need more clothes. I think I won't have a choice. But I was wondering if anyone had any ideas in how I can go about this. Is anyone else in a similar unfortunate scenario. Maybe instead of your dad it's your mom, or spouse, or cousin, or friend or someone who is really bossy and controlling. I am shocked he even allows for me to get men's clothing. Thank God for that.

P.S. I would ask my step sister. But she lives all the way in a whole other city apart from the little town I stay in. This sucks. My step mom can't take me either cause my dad forbid me to go to places with her for unknown reasons other than "Cause I said so." It sucks not to have any friends at all.

[purplewuggybird]

Hey, so I have found that as a totally non passing mTF and someone who has been into a variety of stores many times I have NEVER had an issue with it. Since changing rooms at stores are like stalls there is a very small possibility of someone freaking out, and in that case it is the person freaking outs fault. Also, I've found that people are helpful and quite surprised/jealous of someone being so brave and being themselves. So I hope this helps!


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[Peep]

If there's a post office nearer to you than the clothing shops you could try online shopping - I often find it's cheaper to buy things online anyway, and if things don't fit a lot of places offer free returns so you won't have to pay return postage. Also online shops usually have size guides, so i don't have to ask a staff member if they know what kind of size 'medium' is supposed to be...

[Tristyn]

I'm not sure if anyone here has controlling parents like my father at the age of majority. My father is expecting to take me back there himself tomorrow and I cannot go against his will because I live in his house. So I'll just have to suck it up and head right into the women's because that is what he sees; a woman, no matter how manly I look. Just the other day, he called me "ma'am." I wanted to scream but I'm so tired of getting angry that I don't have the energy for it anymore.. I feel so apathetic. I have just enough energy for school work, personal writing projects and introversion....

[Ms DeeDee]

My heart goes out to you King Phoenix.  I am much older and don't have to deal with such things but intolerance within a family tears me up inside.  Many hugs.

I second Peep's comment about ordering things by mail.  Double check the terms on their website but many, including most of the major ones, offer free returns and I'm planning to buy some dresses from Amazon even though I know I'll cry if they don't fit the first time (or at least are a little big so I can take them in), I don't know if I could stand waiting for a new one (fortunately, Amazon will ship the new one out before you've even returned the original, they'll just charge you twice if you don't get it back to them within 30 days).

Another option, if there's a Kohl's or a JC Penney's near you (there are probably many other options, those are two I know well), they have lots of dressing rooms in each department and no gender labels on them (and no one standing guard to judge, they rely on security devices on the clothes and cameras outside the dressing rooms to deter shoplifting).  I've tried on dresses and other clothes in both places and actually never even encountered another customer face-to-face, though I think if I had the worst I would have gotten would have been some surprised glances if they saw me with dresses or lingerie in my hands.  A lot of other stores have similar ungendered dressing rooms, with or without attendants.  I know Burlington's has gendered (unattended) dressing rooms, I was there the other day.  If I'd found anything to try on, I might have used the men's or maybe just gone into the women's with my wife.  It really doesn't make any difference to me and I doubt it makes a difference to anyone there.  It's not like using a locker room where everyone can see each other while their changing, or even a public restroom, at least that's how I feel - but then I don't have your problem with an overbearing parent.

I hope you can find some useful thoughts in this but I mostly want to tell you how much I want to give you a great big hug and tell you how awful it is that you have to deal with this. 

Love,
DeeDee

[Tristyn]

My heart goes out to you King Phoenix.  I am much older and don't have to deal with such things but intolerance within a family tears me up inside.  Many hugs.

I second Peep's comment about ordering things by mail.  Double check the terms on their website but many, including most of the major ones, offer free returns and I'm planning to buy some dresses from Amazon even though I know I'll cry if they don't fit the first time (or at least are a little big so I can take them in), I don't know if I could stand waiting for a new one (fortunately, Amazon will ship the new one out before you've even returned the original, they'll just charge you twice if you don't get it back to them within 30 days).

Another option, if there's a Kohl's or a JC Penney's near you (there are probably many other options, those are two I know well), they have lots of dressing rooms in each department and no gender labels on them (and no one standing guard to judge, they rely on security devices on the clothes and cameras outside the dressing rooms to deter shoplifting).  I've tried on dresses and other clothes in both places and actually never even encountered another customer face-to-face, though I think if I had the worst I would have gotten would have been some surprised glances if they saw me with dresses or lingerie in my hands.  A lot of other stores have similar ungendered dressing rooms, with or without attendants.  I know Burlington's has gendered (unattended) dressing rooms, I was there the other day.  If I'd found anything to try on, I might have used the men's or maybe just gone into the women's with my wife.  It really doesn't make any difference to me and I doubt it makes a difference to anyone there.  It's not like using a locker room where everyone can see each other while their changing, or even a public restroom, at least that's how I feel - but then I don't have your problem with an overbearing parent.

I hope you can find some useful thoughts in this but I mostly want to tell you how much I want to give you a great big hug and tell you how awful it is that you have to deal with this. 

Love,
DeeDee

Great suggestions here, Dee Dee. Luckily though, I managed to go right into the men's. There was no hesitation. I was lucky that my dad decided to wait towards the front of the store while I headed to the back to try on clothes. I loved how the clothing room lady standing in front of the rooms referred to me as a "sir." The way I look, I would have been way to uncomfortable to go into the women's. I swear I look like a straight dude. For the most part, my legal name and assigned gender are what gets me mistaken as female. Every once in a while my appearance and voice does too (especially over the phone).

I'd rather be at dialysis than at home most days because there I am recognized as a man and I feel so respected. I wish I could say the same about my online seminars at school but everyone keeps calling me by my legal name, which I can't stand. I'm getting closer and closer to the point where I am not caring. But I'm not sure if that's good or not. My dad tells me horrible things like "I can call you whatever I want" and "What you say don't matter." So he's not understanding that I carry that with me wherever I go and do not stand up for myself when someone else attacks me in some way because what I think doesn't matter and people can call me whatever they want.