I've posted a lot of concerns, and questions on these forums, and I'm sure there are a lot who are just sick of seeing it. I can't help it when you are all so smart and inspirational! But anyway, I've been doing some mad thinking, and I think I may finally understand where I am right now.
I often worry way too much about the preconceptions of gender, how a women should feel, act, and other stuff. I constantly worry about me being invalidated as trans. I think so much of it just the way I grew up, and what I was told. Heck, my brother would scold me for sitting with my legs crossed every time, so I had to shake that habit, and I hated it.
Anyway, what I'm getting at, is that I may have finally reached an understanding.
It's been 3 months on hormones, and while I imagine nothing major should be happening yet, changes are occurring and at times were throwing me into confusion. But when I stop, just once, and remove any preconceptions, stereotypes, or expectations, I can firmly say that I am overall a happier, more focused, productive person because of them, and at the end of the day that is all that matters right now, right? Transitioning obviously isn't easy, so I'll have confusion, but if it's making me so much happier on the surface, then that's all that matters! It's taken me a while, but I think I may finally be grasping it. I may finally stop worrying about every single bit of my behavior, and just exist now, as my proper gender. There probably isn't supposed to be that "I'm there! Yay!" moment. It's just that I am now living as myself for once, and it feels pretty awesome when I think about it. ^_^ and that self can be anyone, regardless of gender.
I've already noticed lots of things. People say I speak more eloquently, and I think I am articulating myself much better. I am more focused and productive, my anxiety is down, I feel more comfortable around women, and my lack of a sex drive actually needs to having more time in the day to do stuff. Haha. So far, I think that's all I'm going to care about. Heck, that's really all that matters, and I think it means I am definitely on the right path. ^_^
Sorry, just wanted to type that out. It makes me happy
- Katie.
