hard time living two lives

[Bobbie]

I'm having a very hard time living two lives. I've only been out in public for a month now, spending almost all my time outside of work living as female. I'm having a hard time changing back and forth, at work I'm constantly slipping into feminine  mannerisms, and my voice is noticeably different, then when I leave work and change into female cloth it takes me an hour or so to get comfortable, and even my voice feels more masculine until I've used it for a while. Everyday I have to think can I change after work somewhere or will I need to come home, how much extra time will I need to switch, where can I switch, what cloths work as male and female with the least changes.

I feel like I have to move forward with transition, I know many people can live years or there whole lives in this dual state but I just cant, I want to come out at work, and change my name and be full time the gender I've always wanted to be. But it seems too soon, physically the hormones are just starting to be noticeable, softer skin and features, breasts that are still buds but can almost fit in a 36A cup, but I still feel like my body is mostly male. Emotionally I've only had limited experiences presenting as a woman all very good and positive, but before a month ago I never had been out of the house in women's cloths, is that enough to change my name and gender marker, to present full time? I feel I'll never get all the experiences learning how to be a woman until  I embrace it fully.

At work people have commented on my voice and looks, one co-worker seems to use the word "Transition" a lot as if trying to tell me he knows without pushing the issue.

[Emileeeee]

I was at that point for a few years before making the decision. I was afraid I was going to cause my own split personality disorder. I just hit a point where the I hope I don't wake up in the morning thoughts turned into plans, so I started moving forward. I started off slow, but the more I did it, the faster I went. Forty years of sheer terror about this moment and 15 months later I'm fulltime everywhere and had my legal name changed. Every person you tell gets a little less terrifying because eventually you get to a point where you're not concerned with what they think. It's also a huge weight off your shoulders with each group of people you tell too.

[Lynne]

I'm a little slow to get to the point where I'd want to be for full-time as I'm busy earning the money which could be used to fund my further transition and all that comes with it. So I'm stuck in this middle ground where I only present male when I'm meeting people who I met as male.

Living two lives is starting to really get to me and sometimes it even interferes with my work as I can't concentrate. Sometimes I have to concentrate on not to burst into tears when somebody calls me mate, man or similar other things guys call each other.

Today was such a day when I was a mess because there were some high profile clients coming to our office and I was really stressed about the male dress code which I hate. I would gladly follow the female dress code if I could just present as female. I almost decided that I would work from home today but I had to go in to finish some stuff. In the first 30 minutes at least 3 people asked if everything is all right because they just saw that I was bothered by something. My emotions are quite hard to read normally because I learned to hide them quite well but it seems today I couldn't even hide how dreadful I feel.

I've said it many times now, but it's still true that I find it increasingly difficult to live two lives and it only gets worse it seems. If you can pull of going full-time without risking financial problems or discrimination and harassment and you feel comfortable as a woman I'd say go for it.

[Bobbie]

Lynne,
I'm also having trouble concentrating at work, I use to be able to lose myself in work but cant seem to do that anymore. I work at a large company with a transition policy and HRC 100 rating, I think most people where I work are progressive and will be accepting, so I guess the only thing holding me back is me.

Emile,
Did you come out at work, go full time and change your name all at the same time, or was it more gradual?

[Emileeeee]

I used to bury myself in my work too and when I started to feel the need to transition, I also had problems with staying focused at work. Lack of concentration has turned to despising my job now, but I need the work experience as a woman before I try jumping ship.

Emile,
Did you come out at work, go full time and change your name all at the same time, or was it more gradual?

Both. I telecommute most of the time, so I was able to invisibly go full time a few months ago. I told management/HR about a month ago, but most of my team still doesn't know. I've told about 5 of them. They all said, "OK." I'm making a formal announcement in person this week.

For the name change part, I started the process in early January and got the notary stuff done at the end of January. Once I had that, I told HR and about a week later, my managers. I got my new driver's license last week along with all my accounts updated and name officially changed in the work system.

My therapist advised me to give them a few months notice, but I was afraid they'd cut me loose. I NEEDED my name updated in their records. It's 1/3 of my total work experience at this place and with no degree, it's the only way for me to prove I know what I'm doing and hopefully retain my current salary if I jump ship. That's why I made sure it all happened at roughly the same time.