Venting/friends

[Midnightstar]

I have this strange lingering overwhelming anxiety whenever i think about the trans friends that i lost during my meltdowns and depression that i won't lie varied in strength, some days it was this masked aggressiveness and other days it was just this overwhelming emotional sadness. I managed to push everybody away and as much as i sometimes find myself missing my friends and wanting to go back in time and just have never let myself get to that point i find myself saying "Maybe it's better that way" or "I can't keep things anyway's and i'd rather not be the one hurting others with my personality, so it's okay" Sure to a degree i blame myself and i know a lot of everything was my mistake, my problems. But iv'e had it told to me by a couple people not everything was my fault. I guess i didn't see that till every thing stopped. Is it odd to actually find myself missing friends but not actually wanting them people back in my life anymore?
Is it bad that i find myself thinking "I'd rather them have people they can understand to speak with and be around then people they can't? and if we differ so much that we can't understand one another why try?
I question though sometimes it's like can i even consider the people i speak with friends can i trust that can they trust that? Is it moral and okay to look at posts and just want to keep things neutral without much existing but sharing experiences/feelings? Don't get me wrong i want and need trans friends
but i question. This is more like a vent filled with questions and errors but i didn't know where to post and needed to get it out so i did.

[Dayta]

I believe that it's important to understand what's mine and what's not mine.  I have a role in everything that's happened in my life, so I try to understand what my part is and whether I have an obligation.  We don't have obligations to be or remain friends with anyone.  If there is something that you did to wrong your former friends, it's probably good to face up to that at some point, whether or not that means that you become friends again.  If you end a friendship with the intention of allowing them to find better friends, perhaps try instead to become a better friend. 

One of the great paradoxes I find is that in order to become trusted, it is necessary to trust.  I used to think that by keeping secrets, I was demonstrating to everyone how trustworthy I was, but people didn't confide in me.  I found out that by sharing about myself, by becoming vulnerable, I opened the door to people sharing and opening up. 

[Midnightstar]

I believe that it's important to understand what's mine and what's not mine.  I have a role in everything that's happened in my life, so I try to understand what my part is and whether I have an obligation.  We don't have obligations to be or remain friends with anyone.  If there is something that you did to wrong your former friends, it's probably good to face up to that at some point, whether or not that means that you become friends again.  If you end a friendship with the intention of allowing them to find better friends, perhaps try instead to become a better friend. 

One of the great paradoxes I find is that in order to become trusted, it is necessary to trust.  I used to think that by keeping secrets, I was demonstrating to everyone how trustworthy I was, but people didn't confide in me.  I found out that by sharing about myself, by becoming vulnerable, I opened the door to people sharing and opening up.

I tried that, problem is with me is i often find my personality can be hard to understand for others so they start assuming. And i also have my own problems with assumptions so you see where that goes in the end it never is very good, sadly. That and my honesty is out of the roof and sometimes i think i'm a little to honest and straight forward and people just can't take it.