Coming out to parents

[Lilian J]

Just a question for those who lived far away from their parents when starting transition and how they came out.

My situation is that I live across the country (Australia so 4500km) from my parents and extended family and am currently out to my wife, sister and a few close friends. I am on HRT and have lost a lot of weight and even not presenting female there are obvious changes. I feel I owe my parents the honour of coming out to them before I go any further with friends and other social situations that may go public on social media. ie: I am not keen on them finding out from Mardi gras photos
I have a trip planned to visit my parents just after Easter and was wondering what people would think about the best way to do this. So far I've thought.

- just wait till I'm there and do it all in person. (my sister will be there to support me)
or
- send a "We need to talk email" to prepare them then open up in person.
or
- send a complete " This is whats going on" coming out email with enough detail to answer most of the obvious questions.
or
- just come out to one parent on the phone so they can tell the other.

Emails do have the advantage of being able to send photos to verify the seriousness but feel impersonal.
I am really optimistic that they will be accepting once they understand and are past the questioning and confusion but for a family that hardly communicates on a personal level I'm finding it hard to think of where to begin.

Love and Hugs
Jamie

[Ms Grace]

Well my folks only live half an hour away so it's a bit different in that sense, but I told them both face to face. I was a few days from going full time and had been on HRT for nine months and changes were becoming more obvious.

I decided not to tell my mother first because then she'd only worry about what my father would do and say, so it was fairer to just tell them at the same time. I didn't pre warn them with a "we need to talk" because that would have worried my mother. I felt an email want going to cut it, that I just needed to make it honest and personal. It wasn't easy and they took it OK at the time (the weirdness usually starts after the news has sunk in).

I guess it depends on how you feel your parents might react, how conservative they are, their general attitude to LGBTI and non gender conforming, etc.

[Lilian J]

Yes any heads up to my parents would have them on the phone screaming whats wrong

My parents are conservative in general but accepting in the specific so although my dad makes gay jokes he was also very accepting of my godfather and his partner back in the 80's and 90's.  I suspect their biggest concern will be worry for what this means for my life, career and marriage but shouldn't turn into any sort of shouting match.

I've spoken to a few friends and the tolerable acceptance but not really understanding seems to be a good start that can be built on .

I am going to try and organise for my sister to come with me and we can have a family sit down and chat then if it goes ok I'll stay with them for the weekend and talk some more. If not I'll stay at my sisters house.

[stephaniec]

I'm for full disclosure well in advance

[Lilian J]

I do write better than I talk especially about personal subjects so maybe I should edit the the letter I have my wife and email it to them.

Actually I think I'll write the letter and have my wife and sister review it and then decide whether to send before or give to them in person.

[LizK]

LilliJames my parents live in NZ and I live here in AU. I went to them as they are in their 70's. Many here could attest to the number of posts and the "careful" prep, took hours to work out how, where, who would be there etc. I agonised over it for hours and finally came up with a plan and away to NZ I went.

First lesson I learned was to have no preconceptions about how it will go. With me it went brilliantly and they were very supportive and the whole kissing and hugging..statement of bravery etc. That was the last time my parents discussed my transition with me over 6 months ago...I sent them a letter today asking that we not skype anymore because I can't handle it. My mother physically stiffens when I sit down on a skype to talk to her...the only thing she has ever said since I came out is that she "needs to keep her own council on this matter" and that was six long months ago.

It may go great but don't be surprised that after a few days things aren't quite so great...as far as how and where? I don't actually think it matters as much as we think.

Hope that helps

Elizabeth (Liz)K

[Laura_7]

Here are a few resources that could help you:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,197523.msg1756901.html#msg1756901


-some people come out in a letter.
Its possible to discuss later .. and show some materials like vids.

Some people come out via text or email.

Its possible some people need some time ... or change days later, and might need a talk about why they have restraints...

someone said it might be better if people are already close...
so they can talk about what they really feel...
if not it might be a good idea to work on this level a bit first ... like trying to get more intimate ...


*hugs*