hi
i've been lurking around this forum, so i thought i'd finally stop being a chicken and introduce myself.
i'm 21 (nearly 22, yay), and a student from the midlands, UK. i came out to my friends last november, basically because i couldn't cope with keeping it bottled up any longer. i don't know how people cope with waiting till there 30s or 40s. anyway, since then i've kinda gradually started transition, and i don't know when i went fulltime, but i've definitely been since the start of term. i started LHR on my face over the summer, and am (still) waiting for my PCT to let me be referred to a GIC.
i've always felt female, ever since i can first remember, though it confused the hell out of me. i was bullied by the boys when i first started school, because i didn't like playing there violent games and stuff; the girls ignored me cos i was a 'boy', so it was pretty lonely.
so when i started a new school after the first term (we moved cos my dad got a new job), i just tried really hard to fit in with boys and do 'boy things'. thats pretty much what i did for most of my life, pretend i was a boy to fit in, and ignored how i felt. I had a few good female friends, but mainly i hung out with guys.
it got loads worse when i hit puberty. thats when i started crossdressing, i was really confused about how i felt, and kept dreaming of what life would be like if i'd been born a girl. and i felt soooo guilty about how i felt and thought i was a freak etc. i became really depressed, self-harmed and really just withdrew from all my friends and family. i never told anyone how i felt, didn't think anyone would understand how i felt - i didn't even, really.
i started my A Levels (17-18) and that was when i first properly understood how i felt, which made it a million times harder to deal with. i didn't want to be trans, and thought i could just pretend i wasn't! i met a girl, then we got engaged and went to uni together. i told her that i was a crossdresser, and she didn't react well, so i figured i should hide the whole truth, which was great cos i didn't want to face up to i anyway.
we moved in together, but then it just went wrong. she had bipolar, which i was fine with, but during her manic episodes she'd become really abusive (usually just verbally) and this continued for months, destroying what little self-esteem i had left. mentally i was ->-bleeped-<-ed up, and i was struggling to hide from my gender dysphoria as well. i got out of the relationship, switched universities and tried to make a new start. i saw a counsellor there, but never dared mention the gender dysphoria.
i was still trying to keep up the act of being a 'man', but that just got tougher to pull off. i started drinking loads (which thankfully i have under control now) to deal with it, but got really drunk one night and came out to a friend. that was a massive relief. i wish i'd come out a lot sooner than i did - and i'd be so much further with transition if i had
!
i went to my gp at the start of the year, and told her how i felt. she was great, really sympathetic and tried to refer me to a gender specialist (several times); which the PCT blocked. i've only just got them to agree to fund assessment at a GIC which they say has to be charing x
.
so thats pretty much my life up until now. sorry for the length of the post!
jenny
x x
