I don't want my family anymore

[Galyo]

This is probably just going to be more inane ramblings from me, but I really would like to vent these things.

Even though my mom has said to be supportive of me when I first came out to her (October last year), she has since gone on record to say she doesn't support my decision to transition at all. Last year she helped me around my new apartment when I first moved in, and last monday she told me that if she had known about my wish / decision to transition, she would probably have never helped me... She commented that she thinks me coming out to her seemed like a 'stab in the back' to her. At the moment I simply didn't know how to reply to her...

I already explained several times to her WHY I think it's important that she and the rest of my family is up to date about my identity. Gave everybody plenty of time to think about it, and accept me for who I am. Yet still I get replies from them, saying that if I don't want to consider NOT transitioning, they don't want to talk to me about it... That's all they care about really; about how THEY view me. My emotions are void it seems.

I have since severed ties with my older brother. He's pretty much the spoiled brat of the family; always being hailed as some sort of wonderboy, yet he wouldn't even be able to solve a Rubik's cube...

My father has been sending me messages on my phone for a couple of days now. I invited him over to talk about my gender identity and my decision to transition around FOUR times now, yet he still doesn't speak a word about it. He keeps talking about different things. Petty things that he would probably think make him look like a nice guy, and make me 'owe up to him' in some way. This is pretty much the average message of his summarized: "See this? I shared this picture of your painting on Facebook just now. You can't deny how much of a good dad am I now!". That's how it sounds like to me... -_-

Then whenever I bring up my gender identity in a conversation with my mom, she only cares about my two brothers. Why couldn't I just been only child? Or maybe different parents? Anything but this. I'm so completely sick of these people not WANTING to understand my feelings. It seems like only they are the victims in the situation, and apparently I don't have any reason to be offended when they treat me like a joke.

So, yesterday I decided to cut all the crap and ask him straight-up: "Do you still intend on visiting me, or do I owe you something again?". This is where the slippery slope started and the 'conversation' soon went downhill...

In a reply to one of his message I wrote that I don't want to be called 'son' (which he called me in a message earlier), and he basically replied saying I'm acting crazy. I told him that if he doesn't want to show a tiny bit of respect, he should bugger off. I know this sounds harsh, replying to your dad like that, but this is the guy who thinks that my gender identity is something I should only tout indoors and "keep to yourself". I am sick of being nice to these people, and having been belittled by my family for as long as I can remember, I really don't care anymore if they would leave me and just let me lead the life I want to lead.

I just wish this would all end, or that I would just silently die. I don't want this crap anymore, I just want to focus on the positive things before I can transition, but my family is making it so freaking hard.

I have literally zero energy. Spend most of my day being depressed in bed. I think I'm the most ugly and guy-ish person alive at the moment. I tried taking a stupid selfie with my phone yesterday, and I couldn't even bring myself to do it. Whenever I see myself, I see a guy who wants to be a girl. Just your average walking joke. I'm really unsure about who I hate more: myself or my family. I just want to disappear and stop existing. At least that would stop the stress.

[stephaniec]

validate yourself for yourself. Your the one that has to support yourself for another 80 years or so. Your the one that has to deal with yourself. Take care of your self. You need to fix yourself in order to help others. It's up to you alone to find your path whatever it is.

[Kylo]

You have your own place, right? And you can choose not to look at those messages or take those phone calls for a while. They might be annoying but at least you have the means of some space away from them.

[Galyo]

You have your own place, right? And you can choose not to look at those messages or take those phone calls for a while. They might be annoying but at least you have the means of some space away from them.

I've been ignoring them more often, but then my mom usually tells me I'm bad for ignoring them. I have switched phone numbers twice since I moved, but I'm seriously considering switching again.

Also, to give you guys and girls a preview of the crap my dad is sending me, here's his latest text (translated from Dutch):

"Be honest with me now: are you using some sort of forbidden substance? Or are you hanging out with those bad 'friends' again? Me, your mother and your brother really care about you. But how can you ask us to call our son 'daughter'?".

[Galyo]

validate yourself for yourself. Your the one that has to support yourself for another 80 years or so. Your the one that has to deal with yourself. Take care of your self. You need to fix yourself in order to help others. It's up to you alone to find your path whatever it is.

This is almost exactly what I told them; that I'm in charge of my own life now, but that only put more fuel on the fire it seems... I might just get that new phone number and get it ovee with. I'm so sick of feeling bad because of the crap they are saying.

My mom told me last time I visited that I never looked like a girl, nor will I display any feminine traits... That will teach me to have confidence...

[Devlyn]

Big hug! I'm hearing signs of people at various stages of moving forward; anger, denial, bargaining. They might come around. Best wishes with them! 

Hugs, Devlyn

[DAWN MID GIRL]

Hi Galyo, I know exactly how you feel my family has always Hearst me not I do is good anufe for them and when they find out about my disecone to become the woman I am they will start the same crap with me that your gonna throw. When I tell them I am also gonna tell them this "if you don't like it or don't agree with it do not contact me very again I love myself for what I am and how I am and I don't need them in my life if they can't handle it" you can do the same thing you don't need all that crap from them it's your life not there's you need to live it in the way that makes you happy not them and if they can't understand that then you don't need them in your life.
I hope this helps you out some.

BY FOR NOW

[cindianna_jones]

My mom told me last time I visited that I never looked like a girl, nor will I display any feminine traits... That will teach me to have confidence...

My mother told me the same thing and then sent me a note to move to another state. I did. But I didn't write my family off. I continued to connect with them on my terms. Most came around after a while.

[Kylo]

I've been ignoring them more often, but then my mom usually tells me I'm bad for ignoring them. I have switched phone numbers twice since I moved, but I'm seriously considering switching again.

Also, to give you guys and girls a preview of the crap my dad is sending me, here's his latest text (translated from Dutch):

"Be honest with me now: are you using some sort of forbidden substance? Or are you hanging out with those bad 'friends' again? Me, your mother and your brother really care about you. But how can you ask us to call our son 'daughter'?".

Yeah that sounds like baiting to me.

If I was you - and I know I'm not you and can't speak for how you'd want to react to that - I'd tell them "yeah, I'd totally ask that. It's not hard, you just put your lips together and speak. And while you're about it quit being passive aggressive, it's pretty transparent."

"I love you, but..."

Translation: if you don't conform I'm not sure I can love you.

It sounds from what you say like they're almost harassing you, or perhaps they are harassing you. I had something unrelated but similar from my biological father recently who barely communicated with me my whole life till last year when he suddenly demanded I go see him and meet one of his new kids I'd never even met before. Trying to use the "family" card to get me to care. When I didn't concede to doing it, he resorted to insults and poor attempts at emotional manipulation. Finally when I told him to get lost he attempted gaslighting. Thing is, he has nothing I care about anymore, so he has nothing to hold me to ransom with, no feelings to hurt. Ask yourself if these people are worth it.

[Laura_7]

Here are a few resources that could help you :

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,203579.msg1815813.html#msg1815813

You might show them ...
they explain that being transgender is biological, that its nobodys fault, and that transition is the remedy, as far as people like to transition ...


*hugs*

[Tessa James]

You have proven once again how hard it is to pick your parents   There is a legitimate sense of loss and grief that people may need to deal with in the process of finally accepting you.  It can take time and sadly some may never get there.  I might encourage you to minimize your interactions with those unsupportive people until they can be respectful.

You still have choices to make.  I hope you understand that we are not responsible for how someone feels about the truth we share.  They own their response, its not on you.  Some people in our family can be happy for us and those that focus on hurt and loss simply have more of their own expectations to work through.

True family love and acceptance is not situational in that I must please you to be lovable.  If i love you, I want the best for you even if that means we go different directions and walk a different road.

I have known many of us trans people starting out as throw away homeless kids.  I left home at 16 myself.  We need family and community and we can recreate a family built on mutual respect and trust.  I urge you again to limit your exposure to hurtful negativity and find those in your circle who remain supportive.  We typically have enough doubts and challenges of our own without without needing to resolve their dilemmas.  Build a new family.

Others may have unresolved expectations and assumptions based on cultural conformity.  We evolve personally and culturally and that suggests we adapt to change while building resilience and strength. 

[Galyo]

Yeah that sounds like baiting to me.

If I was you - and I know I'm not you and can't speak for how you'd want to react to that - I'd tell them "yeah, I'd totally ask that. It's not hard, you just put your lips together and speak. And while you're about it quit being passive aggressive, it's pretty transparent."

"I love you, but..."

Translation: if you don't conform I'm not sure I can love you.

It sounds from what you say like they're almost harassing you, or perhaps they are harassing you. I had something unrelated but similar from my biological father recently who barely communicated with me my whole life till last year when he suddenly demanded I go see him and meet one of his new kids I'd never even met before. Trying to use the "family" card to get me to care. When I didn't concede to doing it, he resorted to insults and poor attempts at emotional manipulation. Finally when I told him to get lost he attempted gaslighting. Thing is, he has nothing I care about anymore, so he has nothing to hold me to ransom with, no feelings to hurt. Ask yourself if these people are worth it.

It is very much like that indeed! Both my dad and my mom are guilty of the same 'emotional blackmailing', i.e: "I helped you with this last year, so this shows that I care about you!", even though my dad has never once even visited me on my birthday! I told him this in reply to one of his many texts, and he replied with "I never visit your brother's birthdays either!" which is an outright lie! My brother has a strong relationship with my dad, and he would always visit his birthday at different time from others (to avoid running into my mom, since my parents are divorced). My brother even proudly announced several times that dad visited him! Yet in all the six years I have lived in my previous home, he never even visited ONCE! That shows how much they care...

Here are a few resources that could help you :

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,203579.msg1815813.html#msg1815813

You might show them ...
they explain that being transgender is biological, that its nobodys fault, and that transition is the remedy, as far as people like to transition ...


*hugs*

Thank you very much for your help! Though I'm not sure how well my parents are able to understand English, it's certainly an attempt I will consider in order to raise awareness.

You have proven once again how hard it is to pick your parents   There is a legitimate sense of loss and grief that people may need to deal with in the process of finally accepting you.  It can take time and sadly some may never get there.  I might encourage to minimize your interactions with those unsupportive people until they can be respectful.

You still have choices to make.  I hope you understand that we are not responsible for how someone feels about the truth we share.  They own their response, its not on you.  Some people in our family can be happy for us and those that focus on hurt and loss simply have more of their own expectations to work through.

True family love and acceptance is not situational in that I must please you to be lovable.  If i love you, I want the best for you even if that means we go different directions and walk a different road.

I have known many of us trans people starting out as throw away homeless kids.  I left home at 16 myself.  We need family and community and we can recreate a family built on mutual respect and trust.  I urge you again to limit your exposure to hurtful negativity and find those in your circle who remain supportive.  We typically have enough doubts and challenges of our own without without needing to resolve their dilemmas.  Build a new family.

Others may have unresolved expectations and assumptions based on cultural conformity.  We evolve personally and culturally and that suggests we adapt to change while building resilience and strength.

With that in mind, it might just be a good idea to drop my family altogether and just stop trying. Maybe Cindi Jones is right and they will come around somewhat after I've been missing from their lives for a couple of years. It's hard to be the one to have to do this, but with all the stress and depression that is going on in my life I can't see much of a different option. I just feel completely worn out, stressed, depressed, and with no energy for living. To think I still have to wait until June before I can start my regular appointments with my psychologist... 

Thanks for your reply, I really appreciate the support...

[Laura_7]

Thank you very much for your help! Though I'm not sure how well my parents are able to understand English, it's certainly an attempt I will consider in order to raise awareness.

Imo its very well written and can help.
You might translate ... on www.translate.google.com you can enter texts and websites and have it translated, and fix some errors manually.


*hugs*

[Galyo]

Imo its very well written and can help.
You might translate ... on www.translate.google.com you can enter texts and websites and have it translated, and fix some errors manually.


*hugs*

I'm considering this.

On a different note: my mom dropped by yesterday unannounced, and accused me of all sorts of things before asking me to give her back my keys to her house. She said she STILL considers herself the victim in all this... -_- Then she left, saying she doesn't want to see me anymore.

[Tessa James]

You might consider granting her wish and see if time softens her heart.  So sorry she is willing to hurt you with such exclusion and blatant attempts at guilt.  Again please recognize she is responsible for convincing herself of negativity and hurt.  Loving you is not demonstrated by rejection when others can clearly see your need for support.  Love yourself the more and steel your heart for the meanwhile.

[Galyo]

You might consider granting her wish and see if time softens her heart.  So sorry she is willing to hurt you with such exclusion and blatant attempts at guilt.  Again please recognize she is responsible for convincing herself of negativity and hurt.  Loving you is not demonstrated by rejection when others can clearly see your need for support.  Love yourself the more and steel your heart for the meanwhile.

Indeed... She has always replied with anger when I told her that my friends do support me, and they DO see strong feminine traits in me, contrary to what she thinks. But no; to her, she or anybody else in the family is never wrong. She could never accept the idea that MAYBE she just doesn't know me that well on a personal and emotional level.

She and the rest of my family have always been the type who think that handing you some money is equal to caring. I think I explained about a million times by now that this is not how a caring relationship works. Money helps people, sure, but I'd much rather have a poor family without money that actually cares about my feelings, instead of an almost business-like relationship like we had.

And yes, I'm definately done with my family now. They are free to change their mind and drop by, but I don't hold out any hope for that. Because by doing so, they would admit to being wrong, and they could never accept that. After the brief visit of my mom, my dad send me more text messages, calling me a coward and saying he still wants to talk to me face to face. I replied saying that he's welcome to visit during the weekends, but under the condition that he has to come alone (he never goes anywhere alone). He still didn't reply... I'm guessing he chickened out.

Let's just hope that's the end of that...

[Laura_7]

You might write a letter, stating that transgender people are people like everyone else ... with needs and cravings like everyone else.

and you might say that its nobodys fault ... neither their upbringing nor yours ...
there are biological reasons for this and its a rare condition...
there are even substances known to cause this ...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,84224.msg595777.html#msg595777
(there and on the last page of the thread)

and you are open to talk ...

thats what I'd do ... so they can see you are a person like everyone else ... and its not their fault ...

well its up to you ... you know them best ...


many *hugs* in any case