New member here. Pre-everything, and here's my necessity to transition!

[jossam]

Hi, I'm a trans guy pre-everything. I'm 22 but I can't transition now because I still live with my family, and they wouldn't accept it (I almost know for sure). Also, I'd rather be fully independent before physically transitioning, to avoid family drama and stuff  it's what scares me the most about transitioning. Not body changes, not society, and not friends (they're all accepting), but family.
For this reason I'll be transitioning later in life. I'm wondering...does it matter? Will I have a harder time doing things like growing facial hair or muscular mass?

Let me say a few things about myself...it's what everyone else thinks too, not just me....I have naturally masculine facial traits (I pass a lot), and a low voice (not really low, but it doesn't sound like a woman's voice either). I don't have fat on my hips or butt so it helps. I'm short but not too much and I know a few cis men who are as short as me or even shorter (where I live people are not very tall, and I'm 5'5"). But I'm thin, small, even though I work out and have muscles they're obviously not "male muscles". My dysphoria is getting worse, and I guess it's because when we are really young we don't notice differences much, but as adults things get worse. My lack of facial hair is what usually gives me away. I don't really care if people think I'm still masculine even without HRT (being masculine but with a female body is one thing, having a male body with a flat chest and facial hair is a different thing and it's what I'm looking for), the reasons why I need to transition is because my dysphoria makes me miserable. I still have breasts (major cause of my dysphoria), an uterus and ovaries (other major causes of my dysphoria, especially because of periods). Those elements are enough to cause me to feel uncomfortable, wrong in this body, miserable and dysphoric. The reasons I want to transition and feel like it's a necessity for my well-being and for having a stable life is not other people's opinions, the reasons are me and the way I want myself to be regardless of what others think about me. I want to do it for myself only.

I used to be a little bit in denial, because of fear. I used to be like "no ok, my being trans doesn't affect me to the point of making my life suck". Oh how wrong I was. I now have the guts to accept that me being trans is one of the causes of my anger towards life and my depression. Sure, I have mental disorders like depression and anxiety because of other things too, but if I used to deny being trans was a major issue, now I accept it. It's the best thing I can do because only when we find the exact problem we can work to fix it.
It's not enough for me to have been wearing male clothes since I was a kid and having my hair short and looking masculine. It's not enough because I still have a body I never wanted. And why keep living a miserable life when I can transition one day and be finally happier and comfortable in my own skin?

I don't ask for extremely good results. I don't want to look handsome, I don't even ask for a full beard or being super hairy and muscular. I don't care. I'm not the "macho" type of man either. I just want to be happy and feel comfortable with myself, and no matter how much transphobes and other bad people say I need to stay the way I am or just "deal with it". Science gives us a possibility to change and feel better about ourselves, and I want to do it, for my own sake, before I go really insane and end up being so depressed I can't function anymore.

My dysphoria is getting worse and getting debilitating, this is why I'll see my old psychologist (who already knows I'm trans) and open up a little bit more with her and ask for help. Still, I can't transition because I'm terribly scared of my family. They might not care anymore (but they used to) about me being manly and looking masculine, but actually changing physically and changing my name? I'm sure they'd freak out.

I have a serious question now. As I said I suffer from depression and anxiety (and a mild form of bipolar disorder that is now totally manageable thanks to meds). Will the fact I have mental disorders affect my future transitioning process? I hate the fact I need to "prove" I'm really trans in front of therapists. I already had an issue with a psychologist I decided to dump last year (she asked me weird questions like my breasts size and was curious about what I looked like with long hair before cutting it! I found it extremely inappropriate and offensive. She also didn't believe me about me starting to know I'm trans when I was a child!), so I feel like having to prove what I really am in front of therapists sounds condescending of them, but I'm willing to accept this if they will help me. I'm just scared that me having a mental disorder will make them deny me HRT.

Please help, I'm in a very dark place at the moment!

[FTMax]

Part of the reason I waited to transition so long was because I thought my family would take it poorly. They actually took it very well. While a lot of people do lose their families, I think some people see a difference in their families once they actually know someone who is trans vs. this perception people seem to get in their minds of what a trans person is.

I would advise talking to your psychologist about your mental health concerns. When I first sat down with a doctor to get on T, we talked about my social anxiety and depression and both felt that the root cause of both of those things for me was my dysphoria, and that T would help alleviate that. We were right. That may or may not be your situation. I don't think a mental disorder that is being appropriately addressed and managed is a disqualifier for HRT, though I could see someone putting up a fight about it if it was not something you were taking care of.

[Dena]

As long as your bipolar condition is properly managed there should be no reason for you to be denied treatment. It is possible your bipolar symptoms will improve at the TG is treated but don't expect them to totally leave. We have others I have seen on the site who are much like you but farther along in the transition. Some are even post surgical.

Your best option for treatment will at some time to get a gender therapist. There may still be reason to see your current therapist for other issues but you will be able to move into treatment with a gender therapist. Talk with your current therapist about this and you may get a recommendation  for somebody who can take care of the other side of your needs.

[jossam]

Oh I don't think transitioning will end all my mental issues. No, not really. I just meant it will make this horrible dysphoria go away. I have other issues like anxiety and various phobias that are totally unrelated to me being trans. Even bipolar disorder is a condition that has nothing to do with my transness. There is just one part of depression that is the direct result of dysphoria and wishing I was born with a male body so I wouldn't have to deal with this. And that's the part of depression HRT will fix.
But other parts of my depression have nothing to do with me being trans so transitioning won't fix all my mental issues, just the dysphoria.

I see my doctor regularly and take meds so things are pretty manageable. I do get terribly worse sometimes in terms of anxiety and depression, but then I go back to feeling better. I have never questioned my true gender though (except when I started realizing I am actually a guy and my body is wrong), never had "phases", this is why I think doctors and therapists won't have to worry about that. If I get unstable it's only in terms of anxiety/mood, not gender. I always monitor myself carefully and every time I seem to get worse I do the best I can to help myself. My psychologist said I have great skills when it comes to introspection and solving issues in me. I agree even though sometimes life just feels like a constant war for me.

The thing that worries me the most is my family. I was thinking about dropping hints to my sister but some people are totally blind to trans people and trans issues. People might think a trans person is just a gay cis person. Many people don't even know trans people exist or they mistake some trans people for gays or crossdressers. Some people are aware of trans women but they seem to ignore the existence of trans men (probably that's my sister). I can't get any more obvious though. My appearance is obvious...clothes, mannerisms, hobbies and they have always come extremely natural to me. It's just me. My family is either in denial or they think I'm gay or they just have no clue at all.

I had some kind of a half signal from my sister though. We were talking about stuff and she said "it's your psychological issue that you think you're not female"...or something like that. This sounded as transphobic to me. She also uses slurs and implies men having sex with trans women who are sex workers in my country are gay and then they bash gay rights so "it makes no sense". I felt disgusted. First, I hate transphobic slurs. Second, a man who sleeps with a trans woman is not gay - because he's sleeping with a woman! Third, I just hate the whole fetishizing of trans people.

I have other siblings and I don't know their views.

My mom....weird situation. I feel like she knows because of me clearly saying I am male inside. But she seems to hate transition and doesn't have a positive view on trans bodies.

Transitioning will help my dysphoria but how do I deal with my family someday?

Even if I saw a gender therapist now (I don't think they exist in my area though) I still wouldn't be able to transition...still completely dependent on my family.

Sometimes all of this is so depressing I just want to curl up in a ball and cry....

[FtMitch]

I was diagnosed with mild bipolar disorder ten years before I received my diagnosis as transgender.  It didn't have any effect on the therapist's willingness to write me a letter, and if it had then I would have simply found another therapist who didn't have a problem with it.  For me in particular, after dealing with my trans issues it was decided that bipolar II was a misdiagnosis and that being transgender was the root of my issues, but they did not know that at the time that I started seeing therapy for gender issues.  I was able to stop taking medication (not something I suggest for ANYONE without the support of their psychiatrist), but even if this wasn't the case I would still have started taking T.  If you find a therapist well informed on gender issues then it should not be a problem, IMO.  You can be bipolar and transgender for sure. 

Honestly, I cried and cried when I first started recognizing that I was transgender, not because I had a problem with the idea but because I was afraid of letting my family down.  Telling them was the most terrifying thing ever even though I knew that they wouldn't reject me because 1) I didn't want to shatter their illusions and 2) I was afraid that they would say that this was a result of psychiatric problems related to my bipolar disorder rather than accepting that it was a separate problem.  However, I decided that I had to do what was right for me and let them worry about themselves.  Now even though they aren't exactly THRILLED to have a trans son (though they are doing their very best to be accepting), they have to admit that I seem about a thousand times happier and this is WITHOUT taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds every day.  The proof is in the pudding, if you will.  Wait if you think it is best for you, but if it is hurting you too much then I would, at the very least, start thinking about how to get out of the situation you're in and into a situation where you can be who you are.  I really wish I had transitioned ten years ago when I first considered I might be trans.  I was too afraid, however, and instead I lived in depression for ten years to make my family happy.  (Note that this turned out to be a misnomer, because they actually WEREN'T happy that I, their only child, was so unhappy!)

If you do want to wait then know that it shouldn't seriously effect your transition results.  Older people have great results, too.  Sure, you might have a bit of an edge if you start transitioning super young (like before you get breasts), but I have met lots of guys who transitioned at an older age who look just as much like your average cis guy as those who started younger.

Good luck!

[jossam]

Mitch, this sounds a lot like my situation. Yes I am really depressed because of dysphoria and all. And everytime I have what I call "dysphoria crises" (when it gets worse during certain days) I feel like I can't live like this anymore. How long can I go without getting concrete help (and by concrete help I mean hrt)? It's just that I am extremely afraid of my family. They are not abusive people. But possibly being yelled at or seeing them freak out or tell me transphobic things can have a huge and super negative impact on my life right now. I have severe anxiety lately and panic attacks. I can't handle stress. I feel like I need to say something though. But it's the most difficult thing to do. The idea terrifies me. While my family is supportive when it comes to my mental health issues I don't really have the certainty they will be supportive when it comes to coming out as trans and wanting hrt.

Even if a friend said she'd accept talking at least to my mother about it, to help, it still doesn't change the situation or get rid of my fears.

[jossam]

I am not scared of the possible results of transition because as I said I don't really have feminine features so I doubt T won't affect me much. It's a powerful hormone, I see guys who looked feminine pre T looking very masculine after some time on it and they were all post-puberty....and I am years after puberty now so the damage is already done anyway so I don't need to hurry up before puberty completes its "job"...it's already done.

[Kylo]

Most of us have some mental 'disorders' or issues... wouldn't be surprised if they're primarily caused by this condition in the first place, and I'm sure most doctors treating trans people are aware of this. Just about everyone who's cis would be distressed to some degree if forced into the opposite sex's gender and made to perform its role against their will, then make them do it for a lifetime.... what on earth would they expect that person to feel like? This is something I will say if anybody decides my case is invalid. So far it's been all right though. They've accepted I'm an anxious isolationist who would better serve society getting some work done on me, than I can right now. You should be ok. I know of quite a few bipolar trans people online in post-op transition.

We all apparently have to prove to some extent we're trans to medical professionals by talking about it and going through the long drawn out process. It's not pleasant but since we don't have the means ourselves we do have to rely on these people. 

[RaptorChops]

I suffered from horrible social anxiety (could barely go out in public alone, couldn't sit in a restaurant for more than 15 mins without feeling ill) I also had to battle depression along with it. I was on medications and yeah they helped but when I was too afraid to go fill my prescriptions I would not take them and felt 100000 times worse. When I finally came out as trans to my Doctor they seemed confused and tired of talking to me. That's when I decided I was done with it. Did transitioning cure my issues? no it did not but I am able to cope with it A LOT better than I did. I'm not on medications anymore and can go out when I feel I need to. I'm much more sociable at my job and feel I fit in a bit better.

I think the best thing for you to do is to start finding a Gender Therapist. They'll listen and be a lot more understanding than 90% of the these nut job doctors. They'll determine when you're ready to see an Endo to get on T. You'll make it through, just remember we all started in the same place you've been in. Just know transitioning takes a lot of patience. When you get through it you'll be proud of yourself.

[jossam]

Dysphoria is suffocating me. Especially when I am in bed at night all my thoughts start haunting me. I can barely function anymore. This is my fault for underestimating my dysphoria and thinking dressing male, acting male (something that has always come natural to me) and being out to my friends and gf was enough. No, it's not enough, because my body is still like this.

I was stupid for thinking my dysphoria could be controlled and limited. Now it came back to suffocate me. It got worse because obviously, 23 years old, with puberty completed and all the adult challenges things are just getting worse. No, social transition alone can't be enough for me.

I'm just really desperate. I went through bad things because of bipolar issues like self harm and crazy mood swings, but nothing I have experienced in my life with mental illness is as bad as gender dysphoria. Not even the occasional hallucinations. Nothing can be compared. At least, that's my experience.

I am ready to be on T. The more I wait and need to wait the worse I feel. The only problem is...family. I told my sister about feeling bad about my body and stuff. She didn't say anything. She just thinks I should live the life I want. Other siblings well I don't know. My mom is scared of transitioning stuff but I guess she's more scared about society than anything else.
But I am seriously scared of my dad because he never has a nice word for the lgbt community (while my oldest sister is supporting and my mom is now supportive too). My dad has scary thoughts like he thinks gays are child molesters. I am also bisexual but meh, that's not an issue for me.
One day my mom said something about me "having a male mind" and he got mad and said he doesn't want to hear this stuff. I can't even imagine what he would do or think if I told him I want (and need) to transition.

The problem is not me or how ready I am, because I am ready to face transition if it means feeling good with myself. The problem is family, their reactions, etc.

I am not independent right now. I can't go anywhere else and I don't really want to leave my house now or something. I'm also having a hard time with anxiety issues so I don't really need any more stress. I just need a peaceful environment and affection, not drama and fights and discrimination.

[FTMax]

It sounds like you're going to need to figure out what is more important to you - being who you know you are, or being who your family imagines you to be. Your dad sounds like he will be the biggest challenge, but it doesn't sound like the rest of your family will be a problem. Certainly your mom sounds like she understands what is going on.

I'd consider telling her and your sister outright, and asking for their support. Explain that you don't know how to tell your father and that you're scared of his reaction. See what thoughts they have on the matter.

On a more personal level - is there a reason why you are not independent right now? If so, what would it take for you to be independent? I'm not saying leaving home if that's not something you want, but having your own money and the freedom to use it as needed is extremely beneficial when transitioning.

[Alexthecat]

There is two different kinds of independent in my book when it comes to being trans. There is living independent and transition independent. You can get to a place where you live by yourself or with friends and pay all your bills and maybe have enough money to transition. You might even have two jobs just to afford living.

Then there is where you live with family and not have rent (or less than people pay normally), you might chip in with things here and there but you don't have to pay all the house bills. That leaves a lot of money to transition.

In the second scenario you may not be 'independent' in the normal use of the word but when you need to pay for hormones or surgery, you can get the money without worrying about other things. The big factor in being transition independent is that the people you live with won't kick you out or abuse you for transitioning. They may not be the most supportive sometimes but they aren't intentionally trying to make you feel bad.

I have transition independence and I take that over living independent any day.

[jossam]

It helps that in my country we don't pay for surgeries. I would only have to pay the therapist sessions and the testosterone. We don't pay for surgeries in public hospitals. So it helps. I think it's the same way in other European countries, in case I move somewhere else.

The most important thing is to be who I am and not what my family thinks I should be. But my family doesn't expect me to do "female things", they don't really care about that. But transitioning is a huge step forward and I don't know how they can react.
If I lived on my own it would be easier. But since I still leave at home with them it could be an issue.

The reason why I am not independent is because I'm still in college studying. I also have mental issues and it scares me because I don't want them to make it hard for me to work and be on my own.

[Alexthecat]

The best thing you can do is just tell them so you will know their reaction. You could have all this anxiety and what ifs to the end of time and it could all be for nothing because they could be just fine with it. As long as you won't get kicked out of the house go for it. Start with one person and build up the courage for the others. You control your own transition whether it be to help it or hurt it.

[jossam]

I told my sister and although she said it's my life and choice and "do whatever makes you happy" she also said a bunch of transphobic things about trans bodies, about how we look, and acts like transitioning is not a necessity and totally ignores the benefits of it, and the powerful effects hormones have. She also said totally untrue things about me like being delicate and pretty which is really not what I am because everyone else always comments about how masculine I am and how I totally look like a young guy with no facial hair. If she meant mannerisms, well those aren't delicate either, but not macho either, I'm just not feminine, that's for sure. My friends I'm out to always comment about how I'm more masculine than our cis male friends. So I just found it offensive. I found offensive a lot of the things she said like "so will you attach fake moustaches and cut off your breasts?". I just found that attitude really wrong. Saying "ok do whatever you want, I won't go against you" doesn't give anyone the right to make transphobic comments or mock trans bodies or be like "but you look so pretty/handsome!" when we say we feel really dysphoric about our bodies and want to transition.

I just found the whole conversation awkward. She probably didn't even expect it. She probably never questioned my real gender, which is weird considering I heard of strangers figuring out I'm trans. I guess it's just denial?

And no, I don't feel better. I feel worse than before.

[Alexthecat]

Well you know her reaction now. She is just being ignorant and jerk. That can change with time. You could always talk to her again and say you are being serious and the following was hurtful.

[jossam]

I feel like despite being open minded she doesn't know much about how transition works and the effects testosterone has on trans guys. She thinks it doesn't change much. Well I saw huge changes in everyone, because it's a powerful hormone. I saw a trans guy with a feminine and delicate face become really really masculine after just a year on T. She also doesn't know trans surgeries are free here, especially because trans men are required to remove the ovaries and uterus to do the name change, so it's supported legally and medically and financially, although there were some Court sentences saying surgeries are not necessary for the name and gender change on documents....but it's not my problem because I want to get rid of those organs.
The term "cutting off your breasts" wasn't nice either, it made me think of the ignorant people calling our surgeries "mutilation". And the "you don't have a penis" thing was ridiculous too....first, I'll take care of that aspect when I'm ready (and I also want to wait until bottom surgery techniques get better in the future), second, what defines a man is not a penis, or body, but our brains.

She thinks hormones and surgeries are not important because she's cis, so she never had to think about matching her identity with her body. Since we transsexual people have that issue, it's important for us. Well, maybe some people don't have much dysphoria, and each trans person is comfortable with different degrees of physical transition, but I'm on the 100% transsexual end of the spectrum. So it's important for me to have a body that matches my identity.

She also made comments implying I'm not really masculine, and that she was all tomboyish when she was little, but there's a huge difference between a tomboyish cis girl and a trans guy. Plus, and she doesn't know it, I'm bisexual, so yes, I have gay tendencies, and that might influence my mannerisms. I'm not the rough, super manly type of guy, I'm the intellectual kind of guy with good manners.

I hate how we trans people are held to higher standards of masculinity or femininity. It seems like, for example in my case, the fact I can have the occasional slightly effeminate mannerisms makes my identity as a man invalid. No, I'm still a man, even though I like other men and I'm not the super tough type of guy. I'm actually sensitive and profound, as many people describe me.

Maybe it'll take some more time for her to start seeing me as a man and not a "tomboy". That term pisses me off because it'd imply I'm a masculine woman and not a man.