Am I allowed to be frustrated?

[loyalkirsten]

I am just beginning my journey, and one of the biggest milestones I have recently accomplished is told everyone whom I interact with normally that I am a transgender female and am in the process of transition. For the most part I seemingly received understanding. (I spent two days bawling because my mom said I would make an ugly woman.) Anywho my frustration point is that everyone who know this still addresses me as bro/man/sir/boy.... etc. If they were ignorant to how I fell that would be one thing but they know. Am I wrong to be annoyed or is it justified?

signed~
♡Kirsten Danielle xoxo

[Dena]

On the site we gender you how ever you wish to be address. In real life, you have to earn the title you want. When you are presenting female and somebody uses the masculine, you have the right to say I beg your pardon.

[Tristyn]

Dena's right, Kristen. And I definitely can attest to the annoyance you must be feeling. People who know I am a transman still address me inappropriately. And even when I do correct some people, they won't even register it and a couple sentences later they will call me "miss" or "ma'am." A very stressful situation really. In some situations I honestly do not bother to correct anyone, especially over the phone. Over the phone I usually just ask to be called by my last legal name without miss and ma'am. That usually works, but sometimes I am met with some smart-alecky remark that didn't need to be said. You're gonna deal with alot of that, I'm sure.

[Obfuskatie]

For some reason people seem to feel like they have the right to assume either way about you based on how you present yourself. The whole passing thing is based on this. I think the goal you should strive for is not caring about how other people think about you or refer to you. If someone is blatantly rude, respond to the rudeness not your internalized fear of rejection. Transitioning is all about getting to the place where you are happy in your body, random people shouldn't be able to give or take that away from you.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Tristyn]

For the most part I do pass as a man. I think maybe a few times I was called ma'am or miss to my face by someone who's never known me. But hardly does this ever happen. I usually do get misgendered over the phone, so instead of being irritated about it, I try to be understanding of why the person constantly ma'ams or miss-es me to death. Its because my legal name is feminine and my I.D. incorrectly states that I am female which equates with woman to just about all of society.

Not to mention my voice is higher pitched than a biological man's due to estrogen. But sometimes it is thought of as sounding male and I am gendered as sir even when they see my assigned name and sex, which is awesome. But I don't even bother to deepen my voice because I tried that just to have to turn around and confirm my legal name with the deep voice. -.- There is just no way around it but to understand that people are ignorant and you gotta deal with it to overcome it.

[suzifrommd]

Anywho my frustration point is that everyone who know this still addresses me as bro/man/sir/boy.... etc.

There are two reasons this happens. First, people make mistakes. Second, they are actively out to disrespect you.

In the first case, you correct them each and every time it happens. You ask them to apologize briefly and move on. You ask them not to be defensive or try to explain why they're having trouble.

In the second case - where they are deliberately disrespecting you - treat it the way you would any insult.  Once you are satisfied the understand how important it is to you, if they keep doing it, then it's time to put distance between you and them.

[Tristyn]

There are two reasons this happens. First, people make mistakes. Second, they are actively out to disrespect you.

In the first case, you correct them each and every time it happens. You ask them to apologize briefly and move on. You ask them not to be defensive or try to explain why they're having trouble.

In the second case - where they are deliberately disrespecting you - treat it the way you would any insult.  Once you are satisfied the understand how important it is to you, if they keep doing it, then it's time to put distance between you and them.

Those are really great points, Suzi. But what if you have to be in association with certain individuals like in the second case you mentioned? Like I have to be around my dad cause I live with him and he is so anti-LGBTQAI that it isn't funny. He isn't even against it. It's worse. He is passive-aggressive about it. And then I get misgendered day in and day out over the phone. I don't think there is much I can do about those. I know with my dad I can get myself together and move out one day and get on T and transition all the way. But not sure what to do about it presently in the here and now.

[suzifrommd]

Those are really great points, Suzi. But what if you have to be in association with certain individuals like in the second case you mentioned? Like I have to be around my dad cause I live with him and he is so anti-LGBTQAI that it isn't funny. He isn't even against it. It's worse. He is passive-aggressive about it. And then I get misgendered day in and day out over the phone. I don't think there is much I can do about those. I know with my dad I can get myself together and move out one day and get on T and transition all the way. But not sure what to do about it presently in the here and now.

That's one of the toughest situations for people to be in - to be financially dependent on a toxic family member. I think you answered your own question there - the best thing to do is make a plan to make yourself financially independent, whatever it takes, to move out.

For the here and now, I would continually remind myself that it is temporary. Have a timeline for your plan, even if it's measured in years, so you know how long you need to endure your dad's crap. Find ways to make your life bearable. Bringing joy to other people can be a big help. So can doing things that help you feel true to yourself.

As far as misgendering on the phone, correct people when they get it wrong. Most people are trying to get it right, so if they know your gender they'll do their best to gender you properly.

[loyalkirsten]

On the site we gender you how ever you wish to be address. In real life, you have to earn the title you want. When you are presenting female and somebody uses the masculine, you have the right to say I beg your pardon.

I think this is true and does offer comfort because I am living with most of these people and they have known me for years and as my wardrobe isn't fully functional just yet, they often see me (outwardly) swith in back and forth, not to mention my voice rivals James Earl Jones'. (Not really but it is soooooo hard to chance my intonation and pitch)

signed~
♡Kirsten Danielle xoxo

[loyalkirsten]

For some reason people seem to feel like they have the right to assume either way about you based on how you present yourself. The whole passing thing is based on this. I think the goal you should strive for is not caring about how other people think about you or refer to you. If someone is blatantly rude, respond to the rudeness not your internalized fear of rejection. Transitioning is all about getting to the place where you are happy in your body, random people shouldn't be able to give or take that away from you.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Thank you so much for this. I feel the same way, but every now and then I tend to, I guess, forget why I am doing this.

signed~
♡Kirsten Danielle xoxo

[Obfuskatie]

Thank you so much for this. I feel the same way, but every now and then I tend to, I guess, forget why I am doing this.

signed~
♡Kirsten Danielle xoxo

I totally understand. I think we're so used to adapting to what other people believe we should be like before we transition, that sometimes it's hard to get out of the habit of feeling like we should continue to be that chameleon. I've never been more raw and real then I have presenting as myself, and sometimes I miss the relative safety I had by hiding. It doesn't make logical sense, since the closet was claustrophobic, I couldn't actually enjoy hiding.
Just remember that fitting in shouldn't your first concerns, those spots are reserved for being happy and a good person.


     Hugs,
- Katie
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Midnightstar]

Something like this happened to me and it is still happening people know i am transgender and a guy but they have been misgendering me, it is frustrating and i think you have every right to feel the feeling you have.
However people continued to tell me it takes time but i realized with my family it wasn't happening.
I wouldn't call your wrong but i wouldn't consider it right either we do need to give people time even though time is so hard to want to give when it is effecting us in our daily lives. And i also think if they are calling you ugly and being rude/nasty then it is even more understandable that you feel like this.
I don't know the answer i don't know if its yes or no but i get it and to be honest i don't think letting out emotions and feeling feelings is wrong so i think its good just try to be peaceful because if you're agressive back its not going to solve the problem, i guess that is just a tip (not to say you are)

[Emjay]

In the first case, you correct them each and every time it happens. You ask them to apologize briefly and move on. You ask them not to be defensive or try to explain why they're having trouble.

I'm still dealing with this, mostly at work.  I've been full time there now for almost 6 months but it still happens.  People are making an effort but it's taking time.  Something that's so obvious for me apparently just isn't for a lot of other people. 

I don't ever get the sense that it's malicious, which is what makes it hard.  But I do continue to correct people and it's making a difference......  slowly.....

It is frustrating, sometimes heartbreaking depending on what kind of day I'm having but it's getting better.......  Baby steps I guess.

Another thing that really concerns me is that I would like most people to have this down before we experience much turnover in employment.  I really don't feel it necessary to explain my whole life to anyone new who comes into my workplace post-transition because someone can't get the pronouns right.

[WarGrowlmon1990]

I've been going through the same issue myself. Everybody I've come out to just keeps on misgendering. I've made the mistake of not correcting them and keeping it bottled up until I break down, and then that just makes things escalate. I'm trying to confront people in a calm manner, but it isn't easy when you've got social anxiety. Hang in there and take it one day at a time, Kirsten.

[Peep]

I've found that unless you directly tell people 'now is the time' they assume that you're waiting for something/ not 'started yet', especially when you first come out. Like people think we're waiting for a go ahead from someone else to be Officially Transitioning. I've read a lot of people saying they don't get people taking them seriously until they actually have some kind of surgery, which is a real bummer

[JoanneB]

There are two reasons this happens. First, people make mistakes. Second, they are actively out to disrespect you.

In the first case, you correct them each and every time it happens. You ask them to apologize briefly and move on. You ask them not to be defensive or try to explain why they're having trouble.

In the second case - where they are deliberately disrespecting you - treat it the way you would any insult.  Once you are satisfied the understand how important it is to you, if they keep doing it, then it's time to put distance between you and them.

Close, but.... I see a third more fuzzier reason

You told all these people "you are in the process...." Which was/is? Coming out to others may help you feel better about yourself. But it is not automatically get others to change how they see you and their habits of speaking to and around you. Without any additional followup, it is sort of unreasonable to expect them to change their ways. TBH - Just how many times have you told yourself "This is a phase" and then buried the feelings. Isn't it then reasonable for others to think, Its just a phase? If you still present as always and act the same, to them nothing has changed.

As Suzy said, they do need to be told/reminded again and again if it does hurt you. That is a positive active change in you. In time, if not already, you have a good idea just who is misgendering you out of spite, or other reasons beyond an honest slip up. Everyone in my group can testify to how say parents or siblings even years later may slip. Or even those who took a very long time to come around. A long time after living full-time, even GRS.