Confused, Scared & Dysphoric

[xlostboyx]

Hi. I don't know where to begin or what to say if I did.

I think I hate myself — I guess that's as good a place as any. I hate that I don't have a flat chest. I hate that the hair on my head grows at 100x the speed of the hair on my legs and arms. I hate that I have such a baby face, that I can't even close my legs without freaking out. I hate that my voice sounds like Minnie Mouse, and my birth name makes me cringe. I hate that I'm nowhere in my transition. I hate that I'm too scared to come out to family and friends even though I'm old enough to do what I want. I feel depressed all the time because of this. I've buried myself into an online chatroom just because everyone knows me as male there. No one really questions it. Am I fooling them? God, I hate myself, and I don't know what to do. How do I make this feeling go away?


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[Jacqueline]

xlostboyx,

Welcome to Susan's,

I have just moved your post to introductions.

I am so sorry you feel this way. I had been experiencing these feelings off and on for most of my life as well. However, as MTF it was the opposite direction of your triggers. Knowing how mine effect me, I can guess how yours feel.

This is a supportive site full of people who care and are at different places along their journeys. I can't tell you what to do but if you can, I would highly suggest finding a therapist. Gender therapists are most helpful but even a general therapist can help till you get more lined up. They can help focus thoughts and maybe help find a path to start.

Not everyone needs to transition all the way. Sometimes just wearing opposite gender's clothing helps. Sometimes low doses of hormones(that usually takes a letter from a therapist or psychiatrist)help. It is different for everyone.

I am attaching links to some policies and helpful information for this site:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Look around, ask questions and join it when you are comfortable.

With warmth,

Joanna

[DAWN MID GIRL]

Hi Xlostboyx, first you need to accept what you are then learn to love your self for how you are and things will get better. This is what I did and it has helped me move past my suicidal depression. You will stole have the problem's of dealing with your body but loving your self makes it easier to deal with.

BY FOR NOW

[Elis]

Hey;

I've been exactly where you are and so have many others. It takes time to gather the courage to come out. I couldn't do it until I was 21 after 2 yrs or so of knowing I was trans. During those years I was able to become much more resilient; more knowledgeable about me being trans and able to come up with a plan to transition; as well as putting some money together.
What I started to do to ease the dysphoria and self hatred was to start buying mens clothes. Even something as small as boxers helped. You could also buy a binder. GC2B is a good make or if you're not ready for that buy two sports bras. One smaller than the other. Wear the one that's the correct size as normal and then put the smaller one back to front other the first. It's not perfect but it helps. As for your voice (which is the biggest thing that causes me dysphoria) I try to talk in a more monotone less excitable tone. There are also voice exercises from other FTMs on tumblr or youtube you could look up.
You're not lying to people on the chat room about your gender. You are male because that's how you're brain is wired. Definitely stay on the chat room and forum if it helps you. And don't be nervous of asking more questions on here or to simply vent. Someone will always answer.

[V M]

Hi 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[gennee]

Hi xlostboyx and welcome to Susan's. Loving and accepting yourself is the first step toward self discovery. You may not be where you want to be at the moment but each step you take forward will be a step closer to your destination. Good luck and keep us posted on your progress.

😊