My boyfriend might want to transition.

[delzebub]

Why am I horrified that my boyfriend may want to transition?

I'm genderqueer-identified, on a low dose T, and I found this fear in me really very shocking. What invokes fear, for some reason, is him becoming someone I can't recognize. ...No, it's not that. Maybe partially that. I think more than anything it's this: I'm not attracted to women. Is it bad that I'm silently hoping that he retains his genderqueer-ness in his transition, as am I in mine? Because I love his queerness. I love his androgyny. I have just never been attracted to women, and so my fear is that if he finds his identity as a transwoman and wants surgeries and hormones (which he's expressed an interest in) he'll lose his queerness, that queerness I love, in pursuit of transitioning to the other side of the binary.

...And it's so selfish of me to think that. That's what troubles me.

I would support him, of course, if he wanted to transition and identify wholly as a woman. I'd use the proper pronouns, I'd support that, because that's what needs to happen. End of story. But the real scary part for me is... I don't know if the relationship would survive. Not because I don't want it to. Not because his transition wigs me out. But because I have never been, as I said, attracted to females.

I suppose he might fear the same thing: that if I go on too long on testosterone, I'll lose that 'queerness' that he loves as well. We both identify as genderqueer  (well, he has mentioned and gone back and forth between genderqueer and genderfluid, but yes) and I think that's part of the reason why we fell in love with each other. We saw that we could be free and expressive in that sense with one another; and, in some sense, we were/are one another's 'other half'—I being born biologically female, and he being born biologically male.

It's a very difficult rope we're walking: I don't want to become too masculine, for myself and proper representation of my genderqueer identity, and I'm certain he might feel the very same way, because then he wouldn't be attracted to me anymore, either (he specifically said that he is not attracted to men, just as I am not attracted to women).

We love each other so much. I just don't... I don't know what to do. I fear that we'll lose each other, or even worse, I have this shame that we're 'overcomplicating' our lives when we already have a good thing going—Which is such a terrible thing to say, and I know that it's probably just a reaction to these strong emotions.

Any help would be lovely. I just have to figure out a way to cope with this right now.

[sparrow]

You aren't superhuman just 'cause you're genderqueer.  Don't feel bad.  Some couples survive transitions, some don't.  It's really natural to be worried in this situation.  If you both keep open minds as you go, love can take you through to the other side.  You might experience a broadening of your taste.  My wife was surprised that she could quite enjoy a more feminine body, though she'd never found them to be visually enticing.

[jessilynn]

I mean being on low T dosage... this was something YOU knew you wanted for yourself... this is something that he/she wants.

And to someone who knows they want to transition, it's just not even a choice. It's something we have to do.

[delzebub]

You aren't superhuman just 'cause you're genderqueer.  Don't feel bad.  Some couples survive transitions, some don't.  It's really natural to be worried in this situation.  If you both keep open minds as you go, love can take you through to the other side.  You might experience a broadening of your taste.  My wife was surprised that she could quite enjoy a more feminine body, though she'd never found them to be visually enticing.

Thanks so much, this helped quite a bit. <3 This also made me realize that I can't see into the future, and I can't accurately determine who's gonna feel what or how things are going to develop between us and all of that — I have a habit of trying to predict things. But I am just worried; I do love him very much, and I want the best for him. We both have a very open sense of communication with one another, and I trust that, and should remember to trust that.

Side note: I always get so antsy about asking things on these forums, but once I do, I'm so grateful. Thank you.

[delzebub]

I mean being on low T dosage... this was something YOU knew you wanted for yourself... this is something that he/she wants.

And to someone who knows they want to transition, it's just not even a choice. It's something we have to do.

Thanks for your response! Yeah, which is why I feel/felt so crappy about it. I'm aware that if he (also, for now, he does prefer he/him/his pronouns—He hasn't given me the word yet to do otherwise c: ) makes this decision, it's out of necessity, just as mine was. I want to be there to support him in whatever way I can, I guess my concern was just that I wouldn't be able to be attracted to him in the same way, which made me assume our relationship wouldn't survive. And I love him very much. But alas, I can't see into the future. It's definitely a bit by bit, day by day sort of thing.