Body Weight Mental Blocks

[FtMitch]

Does anyone else have a mental block when it comes to trying to gain weight?  I have always been really thin without trying, which was great when presenting as a woman, but it now leaves me feeling really dysphoric since I am too old to pass as some lanky teen boy (nor do I want to be seen as a teen boy!).  However, I have had some weight redistribution so my hips are smaller than they were before T and also some muscle gain so my shoulders are bigger than before T, something that makes me really happy.  I haven't, however, truly "gained weight" in a literal on-the-scale sense yet as the loss of fat and gain of muscle sort of created a trade off that left me at about the same weight as I started.  Now, however, if I want to look something other than scrawny I really need to start eating more---a LOT more--and yet the idea of gaining even a pound that could emphasize my feminine parts terrifies me.  I have a hard time believing that I will build muscle and just imagine my butt getting its curves back and my breasts getting larger (as they tend to do if I gain weight).  I know that, technically, most of the calories should go to muscle building since I am on a program for it.  I also know that, right now, I am burning most of the 2,300 calories I have been eating daily just while exercising--but my logical side is not the part of me that cringes when I look at the 2,700 calories my personal trainer wants me to try eating every day and imagine myself looking bootylicious and curvy from fat gain instead of strong and muscular. I also have a hard time believing that the T will really help me gain muscle (despite having my shoulders increase tremendously in size in four months with not that much work) since I have never been able to gain much muscle pre-T no matter what I do, and I just imagine that all my work will go to waste and my body will react like a female with low T rather than a male with T counts like a teenaged boy.  And yes, I know that is also completely non-sensical and not how this stuff works... But no one said mental blocks have to make sense.

Did anyone else have this dilemma when trying to bulk up?  Did your body end up proving you wrong?  Is the T really going to help me the way it's supposed to?  I know these are silly questions, especially with the gains I have already made, but I could use some reassurance here if I'm gonna eat this much dang peanut butter and whole milk every day, LOL.

I am going to up my calories even though it makes me nervous (I started eating 2,700 daily a couple days ago), but I wish that it wasn't making me so uncomfprtable and that I could just trust that it's the only way to gain significant muscle and that I'll stay scrawny without it instead of feeling that I'm just going to stay scrawny everywhere I want to be bigger and gain tons of fat back in my butt and hips.  I do wonder if part of it is being AFAB and therefore having spent 29 years of my life being told that thin was in and that gaining even a pound was a national crisis...

[Kylo]

Same problem here. Accentuated by the fact at one point I did gain a bit when I was under stress (god knows how, I was about to be freaking homeless then and I didn't exactly eat much) and my entire family was talking about it unkindly to everybody. I'd like nothing more than to beat them all out being skinny for the rest of my days, if I had to choose between that and anything else.

I'm not ready to try gaining anything yet. Still enjoying the process of getting to an ideal formed in my 20s or so. And yeah, I don't trust my body not to explode like Tetsuo at the slightest hint of a calorie hike.

I'm a endomorph though - gains weight easily (the bad or good kind, depending on the work put in. Work out a lot and good muscle goes on in days... don't work out and it'll be blubber). If you were naturally skinny all the time it's likely it won't be that easy to gain where you want but at least you aren't likely to put on fat so easily. Even if you do your body type or metabolism type will probably be able to lose it quick (if it's always been effortless to stay skinny)

[Carbonated]

I feel you. I have bee thinking a LOT about this lately. I'm not naturally thin like you, I'm more average and It's a struggle to eat and see the scale move up, even tough some of that weight gain is obviously muscle. I'm very sure that beeig raised female has a lot to do with it.

I can only speak for myself, and keep in mind that my fat redistribution has been very modest. While eating in a deficit I didn't loose fat around my hips, however on a surplus I havn't gained much fat there either compared to pre-t. Eating on a surplus has done huge things for my strength and I'm slowly gaining more muscle. So even if I'm gaining some fat, I still look more and more masculine.
If you are naturally thin, and can already see changes in your body I wouldn't worry to much. You won't suddenly wake up one morning and realize you've gained 20 pounds of pure assfat. (Can you imagine?) It takes time. If you find that it's to much for you, you can always drop the calories.

It sucks tough that we basically have been thaught that weight gain = death. That taking up space as a woman is somehow bad. And now suddenly we have these new ideal to adapt to, that we're supposed to be as big as possible.
Ah, society.

[RaptorChops]

I was extremely thin pre-T weighing only 115-120lbs. A few months on T and I blew up and was weighing 165lbs. After I moved out of my folks house I started buying a lot more vegetables, fruits, healthy stuff. I worked out a lot more, quit smoking cigs, and quit drinking soda all the time. I've thinned out a bit more (still have kind of a poofy stomach which I hate) and weigh 150 now. I also added vitamins every morning to my diet (BCAA,Vitamin D3, Milk Thistle, Glutamine). After every work out I make sure to drink a protein shake (Sun Warrior chocolate flavored).

I'm not ripped or hulking out but I can definitely see some muscle and good bulk. I don't do public gyms either so I went ahead and put together my own. So it kind of motivates me a bit more

[DarkWolf_7]

I'm naturally thin too and thinking back to my first puberty I wasn't too pleased after gaining weight and how it made me look. Though I might been raised a bit differently because people I associated with were more likely to tell me to eat a sandwich. But as time has gone on being on T I've seen that in times when I do actually gain weight I'm getting it in a more male-patterned way, and puts my mind is more at ease with gaining weight. (And for the record my chest size has gotten a tad bit smaller).

[Clever]

I was about 120 at 5'5" before T and then just ballooned in a few months to 144. It's horrific. I'm obsessively counting calories (1200-1300 a day is all I'm allowing) but I'm still hovering around 140. I can't bring myself to work out at all because I hate my new big body so much. I'be stopped ding the sports I love because I can't stand my body. It's insanely depressing, and I have no idea what to do. It's definitely keeping me from leading a fulfilling life, because I hide inside all the time, feeling too fat to go out.

So I definitely feel you about being afraid to put on pounds. I was too. And now I'm just gross and puffy and chubby.

[whereto]

i believe you're an ectomorph like me which mean you have very long arms and always been lean. you burn fat like crazy and you have an amazing metabolism. but when it comes to gain weight, urgh it's quite depressing.

about 6 months ago, i stopped listen to any personal trainer and stopped going to the gym because those PTs overtrain me when they know nothing about my body type. trust me. they're not born an ectomorph.
our body type is very different. you can eat the same amount of a guy 2 times bigger than you, but you'll burn all those fat before they do. it results in them gaining fat easier than you. when they workout, they easily transfer them greasy fat into muscles, not like us. T doesn't make you gain much muscles, but it helps you a lot if you start exercising. it'll be easier to build and maintain muscles. like just a little stimulation and voila, muscle. lol.

i find that if you don't have any fat, it's way harder to build up yourself. you'll just end up getting yourself so toned, 6 packs and all, but with tiny baby arms.
i have a calories counter app and i have to eat about 2050 calories daily which is kinda like a military base diet. even though i end up go over it like 2100, 2200. and those military guys workout and burn about 1500 calories daily so that isn't much compared to them. it's not about eating much, it's about how much calories can you eat? lol. you can eat lots, but those food are very low in calories, and it results in your body type burns all of them, and fast. 2700 is way too high, you may find it very comfortable trying to force yourself too much ;o
so keep that in mind, i started to ditch every gym personnel i know and change my own diet, force myself to eat way more than i could and about 5 times a day. all the high calories stuff. within 6 weeks, i gained 8 pounds, consistently. that's a lot to a skinny guy who finds it hard to gain weight to be honest.
then my appetite started to kick in and my stomach capacity grew in the process as well. which make me eat more, and feel ok and enjoy eating, rather than feeling like a stuffing duck in the past 6 weeks. it was worth it. now i can do more arm exercises and transfer those fat into muscles easily.

don't let the idea of gaining pounds is equal to getting back to the feminine body like you used to. that never happened. because you're on T, your body is distributing fat differently than it used to. now if i gain any weight, it goes straight to my belly, not my butt, nor my hips. it makes it really hard to have some abs. lol. but i mange to get my arms bigger than they used to be and it helps lots with dysphoria. i just have to work 2 times harder to burn my stomach fat and build abs at the same time. but no pain no gain :]

also, try to hop for weights rather than reps. you'd want to do more weights, that you can only do 4 reps and your muscles can't even do it on more time. then do lower weights, with 8 reps and change into some other workout before you injure yourself ;o and do it 3 times a week, you need to let your muscles rest, they'll build themselves up. you don't want to overwork yourself and burn all the calories you just eat. that's pointless to me. good luck man keep us posted.