admirers....what is the view on us?

[desiluv]

Hello,


I am not transgender, but a cis male aged 38.

I've been attracted to TS women for a while, since the early 2000s and to be fair this was largely sexual. This was before the modern TS porn boom, and admittedly I had some wondrous experiences with escorts in London and other big cities in my country (UK).

But as a person older and to use the cliche wiser, I've now come to want deeper and less shallow relationships with TS women. I've come to think that it's wrong and dishonest to only have associations like this in a sexual context, and not in any deeper way, since it's a fetish.

I sometimes go on dating sites, like transgenderdate.com, or okcupid, but haven't had much success yet. However, when meeting somebody, and explaining why I'm TS-attracted, would it go against me to say and be truthful about the origin? I know it's probably the same for a lot of men, but then for me I think I need to go the full hog, since it's the only decent thing to do. no group should be only a fetish.

This may seem odd, but then I see youtube channels of TS women who give their experiences, and would kill to date somebody like Nicole Ramos or Britney Kade (the latter is way too young for me though..lol).

So tl;dr, would this go against me, if being truthful that initially it was about sex? It's also to me that TS women are no different than genetic women at heart. i hope this hasn't offended anybody, but I wanted to know what also what the general view of admirers is.

[DanielleA]

I would be a little put off if I went on a date with a great guy and then he started talking about how at anytime he fetishize about woman in my situation. You get points for honesty though. But as long as I knew that your heart is in the right place now. And you're wanting a proper consistant relationship now. I would put you in the maybe pile and have to consider giving you a chance.  Some transwomen are okay with their potential suitors finding their transbody kinky. I however do not. It is like someone is getting happiness over something that I get really sad over.
So if I were you I wouldn't bring the whole fetish thing up until after a few dates and I wouldn't draw too much attention to it either. I would probably brush it off thinking "what is in the past, is in the past".

[Laura_Squirrel]

Well, the only way that I can put it nicely, is that I don't agree with the whole "admirer" thing at all. However, I'm not into dudes. So....it is what it is. To each their own.

[WallabyWallop]

I appreciate your respect fo transgender women's feelings in this matter.

That said, you may come off too strong or in a negative light, despite good intentions. I would advise you to wait a while before expressing these feelings

You sound like you would be very respectful, so just feel it out as you go along.

[sparrow]

Try to balance out universal suffering.  Go on dates with women.  Ghost them if you find out that they've got a vagina.

The above was sarcasm.  Don't be a jerk.

Look.  Um.  When you set out looking for a relationship, a woman doesn't want her genitalia to be the first thing on your mind.  Also, imagine the above scenario running through her mind if she contemplates surgery -- no matter what you say, the fear will be there.

So, understand that when you approach a woman in that way, you've already got points counted against you.  You can still succeed if you're a catch.  Be patient with okcupid, and don't even mention that you're just trans-attracted; maybe just put pansexual or bisexual or something on your profile and make sure you answer questions about transpeople correctly.

[Cindy]

 

As you may have guessed the GM's are watching this topic. Keep it civil please.

Cindy
Forum Admin

[Ashey]

My personal view of 'admirers' has mellowed to a point. I've talked with plenty, and even made monies off them doing cam stuff (hey don't judge). But that's me objectifying myself because I felt comfortable enough doing it. That said, I personally wouldn't want to date someone like you. I wouldn't want a relationship based on sex. I'd prefer someone dated me despite being trans, not because of it, which thankfully has been the case for me more often than not. It's commendable, I suppose, that you feel regret and acknowledge that this may not be a good thing, but let's face it.. you go out of your way to date a trans lady for sexual reasons, you aren't actually improving. The only possible way you'd be improving is if you dated a trans lady for non-sexual reasons as well. I remember one admirer posted here a while back, saying he could relate with the struggle we go through, and admired us for our strength as well. I suppose that's something... But when it comes down to it, this is about sex. You aren't just open to dating a woman that is transgendered, you're actively seeking one out. That alone is separating us from other women, and for a very specific reason that we ourselves (some or most of us anyway) aren't comfortable with and are often dysphoric about. That's just not cool, whichever way you look at it. I would say it's not very fair to any trans ladies you date.

[Cindy]

I will say something.

Making love to another human is a wonderful and lovely experience.

There is a connection, a desire to connect. To feel experience, maybe ones you haven't had.

To love.

Love can be transient, or long and deep and incredibly intense and transitions any feeling you have.

Masturbation is a release that men and women use to satisfy themselves. It is also lovely and and needed at times.

But I'm a woman. I want to be wanted and loved. I'm not turned on by someone using me as an object to be used to masturbate inside my body.

I doubt any woman wants that.

[Laura_7]

If you mention Ramos you probably know her vid "so you wanna meet a transsexual".
There are a few valid points there.

Imo the question is ... why ?

Sometimes people have transgender tendencies themselves.
That would be a point needing further delving into ... do you feel some transgender tendencies you see in other people ?

There are studies showing being transgender is biological.
There are differences in brains of women and men.
Its fixed before birth, through the presence of various transmitter substances.
There is a spectrum of severity thats why there is a transgender spectrum.
So its how people really feel and there is nothing to be ashamed about.
It just is. Many people are happy crossdressing, others want to transition.
There are very good gender therapists who can help explore what would be best.
As said, it just is. Transgender people have been around in all cultures, and people are more and more accepting.
It can even be a rare gift, giving a better understanding of male and female.

Next point its people ... people with cravings and needs like everybody else.
They should be treated as such.
Many want a partnership so making a commited partnership could be beneficial for all sides.

Be understanding and supportive . Don't hold anyone back for personal reasons. If they want to transition fully its what they need.

Transgender people often are fascinating characters, because of their life experiences.
They can be wonderful partners... and often are attractive because many try to value femininity in a way many cis people do not.

I'd say treat them well .. try to find love and another human being ...


*hugs*

[Kylo]

I know there's caution in the community regards cis people who prefer or even fetishize dating transgender individuals. With good reason in some cases. Our community gets treated like dirt by society so often we have to wonder what it is that cis people could possibly want from us that is good for us.

But when I think about it, why does anybody go out looking for a date with anybody in particular? Is it because of all the things they don't know about who that person really is inside their minds or is it because they're attracted to women, or men, or transgender people, or whatever criteria you can think of. Do people really go out seeking the deeper meaning at first or find it later? Yeah, they find it later usually, after having met the criteria that turned them on in the first place.

In short people follow their attractions first because there's no way they're aware of everything a person is anyways right off, and if you're going to tell someone who seeks out trans individuals because they have a thing for them that they shouldn't, then you'd have to tell men looking for "a woman" or a woman looking for "a man" (and other various permutations) they're being equally shallow.

So to the OP, no, I think you're like most people out there driven by their biology, and for that I could hardly criticize you without criticizing most of the species for doing what its programmed to. It ain't my thing, but I'm not judging you because of that. If you really want deeper involvement in a sexual context you'll find someone if you put the effort and trust in. Almost all romantic "relationships" involve sex or they'd be friendships instead, so I don't see how this should really go against you looking for one. Just be clear about what it is you want from the start and don't lead someone on pretending it's not imperative to the relationship. Some trans people out there will be fine with that. Some won't. Good luck.

[Devlyn]

Hi Desiluv, I missed your intro so I'll welcome you to the site here instead!  Now on to the questions!


"So tl;dr, would this go against me, if being truthful that initially it was about sex? It's also to me that TS women are no different than genetic women at heart. i hope this hasn't offended anybody, but I wanted to know what also what the general view of admirers is."

I, too, admire the fact that you are honest. I think if you're honest with yourself and know your own evolution, there's no need to broadcast it. I don't tell women that my interest in them started with masturbating to a magazine stolen from my father! 

On the second point, I don't think there is a general view. I like calling myself an exotic hybrid. I know my mixture of male and female is irresistible to some people, and I wear my transgender status on my sleeve. I like the admirers that show up at TG dances. That's my take.

See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

[kittenpower]

If you "use" someone for any reason, then expect to be "used" in return.

[Eva Marie]

desiluv-

I'm glad that you have matured and that you now see us as more than sexual objects. I personally would not be interested in someone that only saw me that way.

As some people have already pointed out our anatomy can be a great source of sadness and mental anguish for us; finding a quality person that wishes to date us for the right reasons can be very difficult. It takes a person that understands that being with someone you truly care about can transcend anatomy, and it takes someone that is big enough not to care about society's judgement of them.

As far as telling a girl about your past - its always been true that when dating someone they really dont want to hear the details of who you've been with - keep that to yourself. If you find a TS woman that you really like and you want to build a life with her then avoid this topic - it may lead to uncomfortable questions that you'd prefer not to answer. This presupposes that you really are interested in a girl for who she is and not what she is.

If you are dating a TS woman and she eventually has GRS, how would you then feel about her?

[Rachel]

I want a man to love me for who I am including my flaws and strong points. I want him to make love to me and not have sex with me. I will not enter the dating scene until 2017 when I am corrected and healed. I do not want a guy that wants me just for sex.

I was in the gayborhood last summer on a Sunday at noon. There were people eating outside of restaurants. A guy started following me and did not let up. he kept saying things. After 30 minutes I went into the 12th street gym where I am a member to get away from him. I was frightened. I did not want to confront him and he kept getting more brave and more graphic. I could share other stories. When you bring up trans fetish I think of the past experiences I have had and I could not be with someone that scares me.   

[RobynD]

I've been married to a woman for 25 yrs and we've been monogamous for the last 15 yrs, so i probably am not the best authority on such things. I've always been attracted to both genders and out in the world in the past, guys attracted to feminine men hit on me. I was generally polite but not receptive.

Once i started to transition in the last years, i was somewhat shocked to have guys approach me because I'd assumed that was in the past (probably naively)

I get that people are attracted to what they are attracted to, but to me the mental, emotional, relational part is more important, and positives in all of that should overtake the physical part of it. Indeed if that stuff comes first, than in my opinion the physical is more realistic, lasting and enjoyable. This makes me concerned about objectification and wary of it, not only for myself but for others. I'm no prude - far from it, but i think one should be open to all women not just transgender women.

Conditional attraction can be problematic on many levels.

Great and open question. Glad you asked it.

[Claire_Sydney]

I know there's caution in the community regards cis people who prefer or even fetishize dating transgender individuals....

In short people follow their attractions first because there's no way they're aware of everything a person is anyways right off...

I see your point here. Initial attraction is always physical. It's this physical attraction that causes a person to want to explore the true character beneath the superficial skin.

However, my feelings align with an earlier point someone made;

There is no prospect of a meaningful relationship with someone who derives happiness from an aspect of my identity that makes me so sad.

[RobynD]

I see your point here. Initial attraction is always physical. It's this physical attraction that causes a person to want to explore the true character beneath the superficial skin.

However, my feelings align with an earlier point someone made;

There is no prospect of a meaningful relationship with someone who derives happiness from an aspect of my identity that makes me so sad.

I'm not sure that the initial attraction is always physical. Certainly not being repulsed is a good and necessary thing, but there is long way from that to attraction in my opinion. I've known several people that have said " i was not really attracted to him/her at first " and then later they got together. Many things attract us to people. Plain looking musicians, homely wealthy people, best friends, good cooks, good parental material, pick your caricature, most of us has seen it.

Still, your point about attraction to the thing that gives you so much sadness is understood.

[AbbyKat]

Hello,


I am not transgender, but a cis male aged 38.

I've been attracted to TS women for a while, since the early 2000s and to be fair this was largely sexual. This was before the modern TS porn boom, and admittedly I had some wondrous experiences with escorts in London and other big cities in my country (UK).

But as a person older and to use the cliche wiser, I've now come to want deeper and less shallow relationships with TS women. I've come to think that it's wrong and dishonest to only have associations like this in a sexual context, and not in any deeper way, since it's a fetish.

I sometimes go on dating sites, like transgenderdate.com, or okcupid, but haven't had much success yet. However, when meeting somebody, and explaining why I'm TS-attracted, would it go against me to say and be truthful about the origin? I know it's probably the same for a lot of men, but then for me I think I need to go the full hog, since it's the only decent thing to do. no group should be only a fetish.

This may seem odd, but then I see youtube channels of TS women who give their experiences, and would kill to date somebody like Nicole Ramos or Britney Kade (the latter is way too young for me though..lol).

So tl;dr, would this go against me, if being truthful that initially it was about sex? It's also to me that TS women are no different than genetic women at heart. i hope this hasn't offended anybody, but I wanted to know what also what the general view of admirers is.

I don't think anybody really enjoys being fetishized.  You must realize that what you are sexually attracted to is something that often puts us in physical danger in open society.  Knowing that most men who fetishize transwomen wouldn't want their friends finding out sort of adds salt to the wound.

Interestingly, the cisgender people out there who date trans people without really caring who finds out are rarely the types of people who have a fetish with us. 

Then there are the ones who genuinely prefer trans people but for far more reasons than sex.  For example, I find transmen to be prime targets for my affections if I ever became single.  I don't consider this a fetish because I have several reasons why I find them to be ideal partners beyond sex (though they have distinct advantages over cismen there, too).  It is no different than preferring blonde hair or a person who likes certain music genres.

The difference you have to ask yourself is if you are embarrassed by your attraction or hide a relationship from friends.  Would you ever marry a transwoman?  If you seek them out only for sex but you would never marry one (or seriously date), that is likely a shallow fetish.

So how a person can answer those questions usually determines what we (or at least I) think about people who share your tastes. 

Also, I appreciate your willingness to come here and ask how you are viewed because it says you actually care.  That's a good starting place.

[Claire_Sydney]

I'm not sure that the initial attraction is always physical. Certainly not being repulsed is a good and necessary thing, but there is long way from that to attraction in my opinion.

Point well made. Romantic attractions can indeed begin some time after a couple have got to know one another.

As you mentioned, it's probably less likely if they had a physical aversion to each other in the beginning.

[Amanda_Combs]

Well... I think it''s good to try to understand your feelings.  And I definitely think you should try to be transparent with anyone you would be dating.  Also, I think it's very important to be very mellow, accepting, and non threatening.  When a trans person hears that their trans-ness is attracting you, or catching much attention from you at all, they're likely to think of all the awful things that could happen to them.  Anything from being someone's fetish to the worst situations when they're in physical danger.  It's just not a pleasant line of thought.  So, try to keep in mind that you could make them very uncomfortable for a myriad of reasons.  And the best thing you can do is express to them that you respect them fully as a person, and be understanding of whatever feelings they may have.