Coming Out at Work

[Guile]

 So, I've got a bit of a debate that's been going on in my head for a while now, and I find myself a little stuck as to what to do. I work at a small manufacturing company in what I suppose you might call the "Deep South" (it's pretty hard to get more Southern than Florida) and I've been considering lately if I should come out to my coworkers. When I joined up with this company, I was in a semi-passing state, e.g. I dressed as a man, always had male haircuts, but gave my birth name out of habit and let people use female pronouns without too much fuss. Now that I'm really starting my transition, especially after starting HRT a couple weeks ago, I feel this urgency to present as male full-time, including at work.

I have told three people at work - my HR manager and my two direct supervisors - and they've all been pretty accepting of it. However, they've all been females and were all fairly young, mostly mid- to late-thirties. You might not think that terribly young, but remember: I live in Florida. Most of my coworkers are in their 50's+. In addition, most of them are pretty conservative and heavily religious, and I'm sure you can see why this would cause me pause. There's one individual in particular - an older man, ex-military, thinks he's right about everything - that I'm worried about. He's already proven insensitive to transgender issues, as evidence by the way he occasionally berates Caitlyn Jenner any time she shows up in the news (still insists on calling her 'Bruce' despite being corrected by multiple coworkers, ect.) and this has me fairly worried.

To add just one more complication to this issue, I actually don't plan on staying at this job through the rest of the year. As soon as I have my legal name changed (which I'll be filing the petition for this week) I'll be applying for training as a CDL A truck driver. Glamorous position, I know.  But it'll pay the bills. The thing is, I want to hold off on actually going off to this training until after my next appointment with my endocrinologist, which is in June. I'm going to milk these UnitedHealthcare perks as much as I can while I've got 'em. So, that leaves me with about three months on T at this current job, where I will have to endure the constant "Hi, Amanda!" every time I pass someone in the halls unless I speak up, and the possibility of our company Jarhead being your general jerk because I've started growing a mustache or something.

So, opinion time! Do you think I should speak up about my name and pronoun preference and try to educate the thick-skulled Sgt. Slaughter over here, or just keep my head low and endure being referred to as a female until the summer?

[MugwortPsychonaut]

Your name's Guile? That's so badass! I say ejucate -- I mean, educate! Educate those thick-skulled jackasses. If they choose to misgender you, then misgender them back! If they want to cite some stupid "sincerely-held religious belief," then you do the same about your sincerely-held religious belief in the flying spaghetti monster! Also, it might help to listen to this ALL THE TIME at work:

And maybe learn this:

[Guile]

Firstly, I do believe I've just found my new ringtone. Even though I'm more a fan of the Chrono Cross Guile rather than the Street Fighter Guile, but that's neither here nor there. (Oh no, my nerd is showing...)

I have been leaning more into the idea of trying to educate my coworkers, but that then brings me to yet another internal debate: do I wait for someone to ask about my changes before I try to correct them, or preempt their questions and bring it up out of nowhere? I've thought of perhaps waiting until my name change goes through and then correct them on it, possibly even posting something on the cork board in the break room about it. I'm just really nervous about being too abrupt about it, especially since I still have to write my female name on all my paperwork until my name is legally changed.

[Rachel]

Hi Guile, this is my opinion and it is worth the electrons it took to jot it down.

When I came out to my brother-in-law I called him and asked for his help explaining to my sister I was trans. I said I just did not know how to tell her. I also went into my addictions (he knew already) and suicide attempts. We talked for a while. My sister knew for a while and I asked her to play along. My brother-in-law. Told my sister I am trans and what I was planning to do. He further said that is it and we will treat "him" as before. So, I guess what I am saying to elicit the help of the ex-military person. Give him the job of enforcement and ask him for his help. Also, make sure your HR and bosses are in agreement every step of the way.

[Ms DeeDee]

Hello Guile,

Big hugs for the stress of being a male in male society and negotiating the various hierarchies of each sub-group (and in the South! I can't even imagine that even as a cis-male, let alone as trans).  Take care of your safety, T is a calculating cuss and should do you well.  After that, I think you should be as up front and assertive as you can be without being aggressive or making anyone think you are blaming them for anything.  Either that or resolve yourself to be that "butch girl Amanda" until you can leave and let it roll off your back.  Anything in between will at best make you a weirdo and at worst, a duplicitous male.  At least they won't see you as an effeminate guy, which would be a far worse situation, I feel.

I feel I would try to talk to the group over coffee or something and tell them that your name's not Amanda except on paper and that will change soon and that if they don't accept the concept of transgender or that you are a guy, that's fine but that you want to be up front with them and let them know where you're coming from and that you would appreciate it if they'd call you buy your new name.  I'd tell them that you know that they're all grown men and you wouldn't tell them all this if you thought they were the kind of people who would stoop to teasing or harassing and you hope they'll still consider you a teammate and stand up for you if others ever do that sort of thing but the real reason you're telling them is that to do otherwise feel like you were lying to them.  You might even tell them that you understand if they think you're weird, because it is weird and you didn't ask to be this way but that depression and suicide are very common among people who live in denial of these feelings and you just had to face it head on.  Just my feelings/thoughts having lived my nearly half-century under the social pressure of being a guy, I'm certainly not going to try to tell you how to live as a man when I've decided that I no longer can and I'm sure others here have an many or more opinions than there are people.  YMMV and you have do what you have to do.

If you decide you have to just survive being called Amanda for a few more months, getting teased is part of being a guy and you'll get through it and earn respect by letting it roll right off you.  Whatever path you choose, we love and respect you.  My heart goes out to you.

Love,
DeeDee

[Andie73]

I just had my second HR meeting today on this exact subject. I had a transition package prepared based on what I found in the wiki here. Explained everything. Probably too much. Too bad, HR is there for a reason. It went fantastically, and I found out I'm not the first trans* person in my company. 

Ok.. enough about me

I laid out a flexible 2 year plan here, but maybe you can find some ideas that will help with a shorter term plan.  HR is planning an upcoming diversity training afternoon. Being we teach folks from all over the world where I work, a training session on this would be pretty normal. They will put a little more light on trans* people to make sure it's not just a passing word, but not hammer it in. That way, when we let the cat out of the bag at a later date, it won't look like HR made everyone go to a class "because of me".   

Nobody else will be informed until questions start happening if the hormone fairy sees fit to bonk me with MaleFail early than expected.    It is our goal to have everyone in the loop before my leave of absence for vocal surgery, after which I'll be full time-legal-happy Andrea in a nice new wardrobe of work uniforms.

Just remember, people are generally good. There are plenty of exceptions, but as long as your HR is worth their position, Harassment exempts nobody from responsibility.  Wield the power of HR like a shield, and not a stick. Allow some time for people to adjust, forgive the mislabeling when it is sincere. If you come off as just another human doing their job, only the real ->-bleeped-<-s will need much attention. I plan to politely remind them of whatever they did inappropriate, and only go to HR if it persists. 

Ultimately there are lots of ways to approach this I think.. but this is what's working for me.

*hugs*

[Guile]

Thanks to everyone for their suggestions. I'll take everything you've all said here into account and see where I want to go from here. I just got back from filing the motion to have my name legally changed, so hopefully that goes through quickly enough. I do plan on going to the head of the department I've been helping out with lately and telling her, since it's her paperwork my new name will show up on first. Maybe gaining another safe ally will help me build my confidence going forward.

As for HR, I'm not sure how much help they'll be. When I first told the HR manager, she was perfectly accepting of it herself, but as for everyone else she pretty much said "Some people are gonna be jackasses about it, and it's not our problem." So, I'm working under the assumption that I'm on my own here. I know I can probably safely tell the other ladies that corrected the e-military dude on Caitlyn Jenner, so maybe I can get them on board.