Lurker's first post (SO of a potential MTF TG person) Grab a cuppa...

[Hazardus01]

Hello to all

My story is a long one due to the fact that I have been with my husband in a relationship since 1992 and married to him since 1993. We met in a capital city whilst working for the same organisation and eventually hit it off. Before too long he came out as a cross-dresser but he didn't know much about it and neither did I so we both thought he could control it and that those urges and feelings would go away. How wrong can a person be?? His urge to dress as a woman has grown stronger over the years and just over two years ago he could no longer control it at home so he suddenly appeared in front of us (we have three now teenage children) in female attire.  I have done what I can to try to accept it but I just can't accept it because it doesn't sit right with me so we are going to separate, which I believe will be permanent as I believe he truly wants to live as a woman.  There are trust issues from my side because of something important that he did not tell me but everyone else around us knew, and that came to a head 14 years ago but was't dealt with for many reasons.  He is quite narcissistic and selfish as well which was something I had worked out on my own but others have been telling me this too recently.

Over the Easter weekend we went camping with friends and our youngest child, and hubby was dressed in public en-femme for the first time ever in broad daylight all day every day for the entire four days.  Nobody turned a hair really but I would not go near him or touch him as I have done a lot of soul searching etc and worked out that I am a heterosexual female who, if I am in a relationship, wants to be with a man not a woman, and definitely not with a person who is between the two.  I used to think that we were a lot alike and virtually soul mates but so much has happened to kill off/change those feelings and now I just want to be on my own plus I know that he needs to be on his own to sort himself out and decide which way he truly needs to go.  I have also lost both my parents in Sept 2012 and June 2015 so that has made me do a lot of reassessing of my entire life, and I know that I would much rather live on my own than continue with this relationship the way it is now.

So far hubby has not started to take hormones although he did see a gender clinic late last year and get a prescription for Testosterone blockers. It freaked him out a bit and I think he thought it was moving too fast and I was pushing him to transition (that's what he said but I'm trying hard not to even give him my opinion of where he's at as I don't want it coming back on me if he does transition and is then not happy).  He has made an appointment with the gender centre again in April so we will see what that brings.

There is no support for SOs here in regional Queensland, Australia, so I am hoping to find some here in this forum as well as information to help my husband on his journey.  Apologies for the disjointedness but I have been told by the counsellor that I do not think like most people therefore I tend to hop all over the place.

Thanks for reading.

Sandy

[Ms Grace]

Hey Sandy

Welcome to Susan's and from a fellow Aussie    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

Your situation is definitely not unique, it is fairly common in many relationships where one partner comes out as transgender (whether it be in the form of cross dressing or full transition, as it is all on the spectrum). And indeed, for the other partner it has caused them to examine their sexuality and if they want to remain in the relationship. If you consider yourself to be a straight woman it is understandable that you would not feel right in an intimate relationship with another woman, no matter how much you loved her. Counselling and clear, honest communication is the key to getting the best result for you both.

Anyway, there are many other SOs on the board, hope you find some help and support here.

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Cheers

Grace

[PrincessButtercup]

Hello to all

My story is a long one due to the fact that I have been with my husband in a relationship since 1992 and married to him since 1993. We met in a capital city whilst working for the same organisation and eventually hit it off. Before too long he came out as a cross-dresser but he didn't know much about it and neither did I so we both thought he could control it and that those urges and feelings would go away. How wrong can a person be?? His urge to dress as a woman has grown stronger over the years and just over two years ago he could no longer control it at home so he suddenly appeared in front of us (we have three now teenage children) in female attire.  I have done what I can to try to accept it but I just can't accept it because it doesn't sit right with me so we are going to separate, which I believe will be permanent as I believe he truly wants to live as a woman.  There are trust issues from my side because of something important that he did not tell me but everyone else around us knew, and that came to a head 14 years ago but was't dealt with for many reasons.  He is quite narcissistic and selfish as well which was something I had worked out on my own but others have been telling me this too recently.

Over the Easter weekend we went camping with friends and our youngest child, and hubby was dressed in public en-femme for the first time ever in broad daylight all day every day for the entire four days.  Nobody turned a hair really but I would not go near him or touch him as I have done a lot of soul searching etc and worked out that I am a heterosexual female who, if I am in a relationship, wants to be with a man not a woman, and definitely not with a person who is between the two.  I used to think that we were a lot alike and virtually soul mates but so much has happened to kill off/change those feelings and now I just want to be on my own plus I know that he needs to be on his own to sort himself out and decide which way he truly needs to go.  I have also lost both my parents in Sept 2012 and June 2015 so that has made me do a lot of reassessing of my entire life, and I know that I would much rather live on my own than continue with this relationship the way it is now.

So far hubby has not started to take hormones although he did see a gender clinic late last year and get a prescription for Testosterone blockers. It freaked him out a bit and I think he thought it was moving too fast and I was pushing him to transition (that's what he said but I'm trying hard not to even give him my opinion of where he's at as I don't want it coming back on me if he does transition and is then not happy).  He has made an appointment with the gender centre again in April so we will see what that brings.

There is no support for SOs here in regional Queensland, Australia, so I am hoping to find some here in this forum as well as information to help my husband on his journey.  Apologies for the disjointedness but I have been told by the counsellor that I do not think like most people therefore I tend to hop all over the place.

Thanks for reading.

Sandy

Maybe it's that my thoughts jump all over the place and always have, but I had no trouble following along. :-)

You and I are not so dissimilar - when my husband told me he was trans I was gobsmacked. I had no idea, though a few other people who know were not at all surprised. He came out to me in January of this year after us having been together for the better part of a decade. He's crossdressed off and on over the years and I was utterly clueless even though he had his box of things hidden in plain sight in our closet. I'm was a trusting person who never felt the need to pry into anyone's things. I'm not as trusting any more - not of him, not of anyone. Like you, I can't be in an intimate relationship with someone who considers theirself to be a woman. I'm 100% heterosexual and 0% gender flexible. I was very upfront with him that I will still love him as a friend, but our relationship would be completely platonic and I would immediately file for divorce should he ever get to a point he feels he needs to transition. I'm too old and life is too short to spend it in a relationship that isn't satisfying or makes either of us miserable or resentful of the other. After some soul searching, he's come to realize he's gender fluid and not a trans woman. Still not ideal, but something I think I can deal with long term. I mostly just avoid him when he's feeling more feminine as I consider that his time and I respect his right to pursue interests that are different than mine, just as I expect him to give me the same respect. I don't feel the need to be joined at the hip 24/7 with him or anyone else - in fact, I prefer to have time to myself.

If you know you can't be with him if he transitions to a she, then getting out is the best thing you can do for both of you and for your kids. They're going to know if you're not happy together and it will make their lives miserable as well. There is absolutely no shame is ending a relationship that isn't fulfilling and I don't care if that relationship involves transgender or not - If one or both aren't happy, then it's not working out, end of story. Lots of people divorce for a multitude of reasons and they still remain friends. Don't let anyone ever tell you that you're being selfish for knowing yourself and doing what's best for you because, after all, he's doing what he views as best for him whether or not it's best for you. Everyone of us must, on some level, look out for ourselves first and others second. Doesn't make it right or wrong, what it does make it is human nature and our instinct for survival.

[Marienz]

Hello to all

My story is a long one due to the fact that I have been with my husband in a relationship since 1992 and married to him since 1993. We met in a capital city whilst working for the same organisation and eventually hit it off. Before too long he came out as a cross-dresser but he didn't know much about it and neither did I so we both thought he could control it and that those urges and feelings would go away. How wrong can a person be?? His urge to dress as a woman has grown stronger over the years and just over two years ago he could no longer control it at home so he suddenly appeared in front of us (we have three now teenage children) in female attire.  I have done what I can to try to accept it but I just can't accept it because it doesn't sit right with me so we are going to separate, which I believe will be permanent as I believe he truly wants to live as a woman.  There are trust issues from my side because of something important that he did not tell me but everyone else around us knew, and that came to a head 14 years ago but was't dealt with for many reasons.  He is quite narcissistic and selfish as well which was something I had worked out on my own but others have been telling me this too recently.

Over the Easter weekend we went camping with friends and our youngest child, and hubby was dressed in public en-femme for the first time ever in broad daylight all day every day for the entire four days.  Nobody turned a hair really but I would not go near him or touch him as I have done a lot of soul searching etc and worked out that I am a heterosexual female who, if I am in a relationship, wants to be with a man not a woman, and definitely not with a person who is between the two.  I used to think that we were a lot alike and virtually soul mates but so much has happened to kill off/change those feelings and now I just want to be on my own plus I know that he needs to be on his own to sort himself out and decide which way he truly needs to go.  I have also lost both my parents in Sept 2012 and June 2015 so that has made me do a lot of reassessing of my entire life, and I know that I would much rather live on my own than continue with this relationship the way it is now.

So far hubby has not started to take hormones although he did see a gender clinic late last year and get a prescription for Testosterone blockers. It freaked him out a bit and I think he thought it was moving too fast and I was pushing him to transition (that's what he said but I'm trying hard not to even give him my opinion of where he's at as I don't want it coming back on me if he does transition and is then not happy).  He has made an appointment with the gender centre again in April so we will see what that brings.

There is no support for SOs here in regional Queensland, Australia, so I am hoping to find some here in this forum as well as information to help my husband on his journey.  Apologies for the disjointedness but I have been told by the counsellor that I do not think like most people therefore I tend to hop all over the place.

Thanks for reading.

Sandy

HI sandy,
I am quite late to reply to your message. This new venture of your husbands must of been very hard for you to come to terms with...you have both been together for a very long time! You obviously love him very much, as you say you are here to also help him with his journey. Please look after yourself as well. I am based in Auckland New Zealand, I am over in Queensland in Late July for a week, if you so happen to wish to catch up. My encouragement would be to stay true to yourself, and to look around this forum as much as you can. I found that looking and participating in other area's of the forum really gains a great understanding of the Trans person:)
Please look after you as well.... hugs Marie xxx

[Hazardus01]

HI sandy,
I am quite late to reply to your message. This new venture of your husbands must of been very hard for you to come to terms with...you have both been together for a very long time! You obviously love him very much, as you say you are here to also help him with his journey. Please look after yourself as well. I am based in Auckland New Zealand, I am over in Queensland in Late July for a week, if you so happen to wish to catch up. My encouragement would be to stay true to yourself, and to look around this forum as much as you can. I found that looking and participating in other area's of the forum really gains a great understanding of the Trans person:)
Please look after you as well.... hugs Marie xxx

Hi Marie

Thank you for your response. Sorry for taking so long but life gets in the way sometimes.

Things seem to keep changing for us and he has started on the T blocker (spiro) so seeing how that goes and we are both trying to communicate better than ever before which seems to be working ok so far.

His gender centre appointment is to get the female hormones as he has come to realise that he needs to do something about the anger and associated emotions being trans causes for him. He keeps looking at me with a sad expression and saying how much this sucks as he is realising more that what he wanted to happen (he transitions and nothing changes) is not going to happen. It is depressing for both of us.

Will keep your kind offer to meet up in mind as life moves on.

Kind regards
Sandy

[Hazardus01]

Maybe it's that my thoughts jump all over the place and always have, but I had no trouble following along. :-)

You and I are not so dissimilar - when my husband told me he was trans I was gobsmacked. I had no idea, though a few other people who know were not at all surprised. He came out to me in January of this year after us having been together for the better part of a decade. He's crossdressed off and on over the years and I was utterly clueless even though he had his box of things hidden in plain sight in our closet. I'm was a trusting person who never felt the need to pry into anyone's things. I'm not as trusting any more - not of him, not of anyone. Like you, I can't be in an intimate relationship with someone who considers theirself to be a woman. I'm 100% heterosexual and 0% gender flexible. I was very upfront with him that I will still love him as a friend, but our relationship would be completely platonic and I would immediately file for divorce should he ever get to a point he feels he needs to transition. I'm too old and life is too short to spend it in a relationship that isn't satisfying or makes either of us miserable or resentful of the other. After some soul searching, he's come to realize he's gender fluid and not a trans woman. Still not ideal, but something I think I can deal with long term. I mostly just avoid him when he's feeling more feminine as I consider that his time and I respect his right to pursue interests that are different than mine, just as I expect him to give me the same respect. I don't feel the need to be joined at the hip 24/7 with him or anyone else - in fact, I prefer to have time to myself.

If you know you can't be with him if he transitions to a she, then getting out is the best thing you can do for both of you and for your kids. They're going to know if you're not happy together and it will make their lives miserable as well. There is absolutely no shame is ending a relationship that isn't fulfilling and I don't care if that relationship involves transgender or not - If one or both aren't happy, then it's not working out, end of story. Lots of people divorce for a multitude of reasons and they still remain friends. Don't let anyone ever tell you that you're being selfish for knowing yourself and doing what's best for you because, after all, he's doing what he views as best for him whether or not it's best for you. Everyone of us must, on some level, look out for ourselves first and others second. Doesn't make it right or wrong, what it does make it is human nature and our instinct for survival.

Hi PrincessButtercup

Sorry for late reply but life gets in the way sometimes and it keeps rolling on regardless of what else is happening. Thanks for your reply.

I have read some of your other posts before I finally posted and can kind of identify with where you're at. My hubby has to present as male for work purposes although he has had his ears pierced and is growing his hair long etc so making gradual changes and nothing sudden or severe. He has warned those in surrounding businesses to expect some changes that are deliberate.

Would love to type a longer reply but don't have the time just now so hope to get back to this soon.

Kind regards
Sandy

[Cindy]

Hi Sandy,

I'm in Adelaide so welcome from another Aussie.


I completely understand and accept your shock and position. I also see and appreciate the enormous sadness that this issue of being transgender impacts on relationships.

My heart does go out to you.

I'm married, 35 years! and my partner knew about my crossdressing before we married; in fact on our first date. I cross dressed but never transitioned whilst we lived together, but she suffered a horrible accident and now lives in full time care.

Once we realised she could never come home I asked her permission to live as me full time. It has gone incredibly well and our love and respect for each other is total; of course our relationship is a unique for many reasons.


How do relationships survive?

Well many don't but some do. Acceptance and communication is critical. Often the partner who is transgender gets caught up in their changes - the narcissism factor. But it does quiet down.

After a while people just live as their gender. It is just everyday life, just as boring and mundane as every life is.

I live, eat, clean my home, do my shopping, cooking and go to work. The only real difference is that I am no longer depressed and suicidal.

I'm happy. My wife is happy that I am happy. She knows I love her, and she loves me. We are a very normal couple.

It is important that you attend therapy sessions with your partners therapist, not to help your partner, but to help you. Your rights and feelings are very important. Your 'transition' is very important and often not understood.

Feel free to tell me the therapist concerned, if you wish. I know most of them in Australia as I'm the executive secretary of the organisation they all belong too.

You can PM me or email me if you wish. cindy@anzgsg.org.

My love.

Cindy

[Hazardus01]

Hi Cindy

Thank you for your reply and your kind words.  It seems you are in a unique position with your wife where because of her  need for 24hr care you live in separate places.  That must be difficult for you both.

Yes I knew about the cross-dressing but cannot say that I liked it or approved of it. It used to be like an obsession with him and he has told me since his first visit to the psychologist and successive visits that he has worked out that the obsession came from not being able to wear it or express himself the way he wanted to.  He is currently in the process of sorting through all of the female clothing he has acquired over the years and culling it back to a more reasonable level. 

He is trade qualified in the automotive field so great with his hands but has comprehension difficulties which make reading anything and understanding it difficult for him.  That's where I come in with being his support person apart from being the person closest to him in every way shape and form, as I have no learning difficulties whatsoever. I am already finding this challenging but we are communicating better than we have done in years so that is at least something positive.

We have just been to the Gender Centre last week and the doctor was a little concerned about one of his blood tests from last year as that's all she had so he had to get another one done before we left Brisbane to come home, and she will call him about that on Wednesday as she only works in the clinic on Wednesdays.  He has been on Spiro since April 3 and is waiting on the ok from the doctor to start taking the Estradiol but is frustrated that he has to wait until Wednesday.  Part of him is hoping that he can't take the hormones so that he doesn't have to take that step but the rest of him wants it badly to try to do something about the anger and frustration he is feeling and has felt for so long.  I am not sure how I feel about this actually happening yet but I agree with him that the whole thing sucks.  He says it would be a lot easier for him if we did not have this 24yr history and lengthy marriage as he would simply go for it, but his feelings for me and not wanting to lose what we have together are holding him back.  That makes me feel awful as I don't know what to do apart from support him and promise to try to keep things together until it becomes too difficult to do so, if that time comes.

We went to see his parents whilst in Brisbane and at least it wasn't a bad experience.  His mum said she had wondered when he told them and his dad didn't say much at all but at least they are supportive in saying that he will always be their child and they will always love him.  They also don't want to see us separate over this as we have been together for so long but they will accept whatever happens.  He wasn't fully dressed as a woman only wearing a mens polo shirt and girly shorts with a swimsuit underneath.

The following day was his GC appointment which I was welcome to attend so I did. He went in a dress with bra, knickers and stick-on breast forms and said he was comfortable walking around Teneriffe dressed that way.  Previously over the Easter weekend we had gone camping in a caravan park with friends where he was en-femme the entire weekend and I found that quite confronting myself as he does not dress that way around our home town due to owning a business and for our childrens' sakes as they are teenagers.  It was like walking around with one of my female friends and the hardest thing for both of us was wanting to hold hands which we have been so accustomed to doing but I am definitely not ready to be seen holding the hand of another woman so it makes me feel sad that I have lost that when we are out together and he is dressed as a woman. 

We had two amusing events in Brisbane as he presented for his blood test in women's shorts, women's polo shirt and thongs but with the falsies in and we were asked "who's the patient?".  He was visibly shocked but pleased as well as he did not think he would pass for some reason even though I have always told him that he would, and that is without makeup.  He gets his face and chest waxed by a beautician so while she's at it she shapes his eyebrows and plucks them too.  The second event was when we were ordering a sandwich at a carvery as neither of us was hungry enough to have separate ones, and the girl asked if I wanted the sandwich in two separate trays. I was taken slightly aback then realised how much it makes me look like a lesbian so I think we will have to modify our behaviour in public if he's going to go out dressed as a woman since he was still in the dress when that happened.

As you say, there is a narcissistic factor and I am seeing that from time to time, but then he remembers that I am still around and that saddens him as I can see the struggle he has between what he wants to do for himself but what he feels he needs to do for me to remain by his side where he wants me.  He gets very excited about anything related to what he is doing as so far he does not consider himself to be transitioning, only trying a T blocker and hopefully the hormones in an attempt to deal with the anger and frustration and hopefully find some peace.  Unfortunately for him I can see him wanting to transition fully one day as he does enjoy being en-femme in public now so long as we are away from the town we live in.  He has dressed up to go to friends' houses in the local area but hasn't been seen in more public places en-femme yet, although he has both his finger and toenails painted at the moment which is interesting.  One thing he has done is to warn the employees of local businesses that there will be changes and that they are deliberate to cover himself.  Everyone has been supportive so far and has asked what has taken him so long to see what they've seen for years.

Thankfully my husband is not suicidal but he has been depressed over/by this and continues to feel this way at the moment.  I'd be lying if I said that thinking about the future didn't depress me as well since I see myself becoming single as I am heterosexual and not interested in women in the slightest bit.  To be perfectly honest right now I would not be interested in another relationship at all for a long time if ever due to the complexities of this one.

I agree that it's important for me to attend my husband's therapy sessions and I sit in the waiting room until I am called in so that he can talk to her one on one first. I have been involved in most of those sessions and expect that to continue.

I think it's great that you and your wife do have such a good relationship now but can't help wondering what might have happened for you if it weren't for her horrible accident.  Things would be very different for you.

In all honesty neither of us know where my husband is going with this at the moment, he just knows that he has to do something or we would split up anyway as I have told him I had just about had enough of his behaviours and I think others told him I was at the end of my tether where he was concerned.

Kind regards
Sandy

[Cindy]

Dear Sandy,

Firstly I think you are being incredibly brave and strong. I think that is a very good sign for your own outcomes from this. Many wives this early in the transition of their partner would refuse to be in public with them. That you can see the funny side is great (and very Aussie ).

My own relationship was unusual as I lived with my wife as a female, I cross dressed to go to work. At home I was female, on holidays  as well.  But I need to say our relationship was never sexual it was and is companionship. Now I am mistaken for her daughter, the devastation that her brain injury has had on her body makes her look far older than I. She gets a little annoyed but we are careful to minimise any negativity.

How have we developed? Well yesterday was her Mum's 94 birthday and we took her to lunch, together with my two sister in laws and her son. The family has totally accepted me as Cindy and there is no awkwardness at all, but as I said I'm just a normal woman.

Issues of trust are interesting because trust is a very two sided thing, what one person can see as a lie the other may see as a clear statement. I tend to fall onto the side of the SO, if a male partner says he cross dressers it can be that the female partner sees this just as a kink that she will accept while for the cross dresser it is or may be a declaration that they are trans. But if the person is struggling and trying to overcome their gender conflict (which is nigh high impossible) they feel they were being honest.

I am not excusing anything by that statement just trying to explain different perceptions.

What of the future? Well I don't know but all I can say is to keep communicating, life will settle down one way or the other and yes there will be tears and frustration. But try to keep healthy, if you get depressed seek medical attention ASAP.

On a final note I remember the day I introduced my wife to my boyfriend. They spoke privately and then I went back into the room to be told by my wife that I had found a wonderful man and my man said I had a wonderful wife. They then kissed each other and then they both kissed me.

Life can work out.

Cindy

[JoanneB]

My wife, bff, and reality therapist of nearly 40 years knew from Day 1 I was a cross-dresser. Actually 'settled' on being just a CD since I had two earlier transition experiments which she also knew of. The cross dressing was only like once a month on average when I really needed to escape. Or when stress levels were through the roof. Over time it all but dissapeared due to life getting in the way living.

About 7 years ago the excrement hit the air-handler in my life, and hers, since I lost my job. I found another some 350 miles away. A long distance marriage, way too much free time on my hands, and loosing about everything I defined myself by. Guess what that extreme stress situation dredged up?

It took about  months into it for me to drop the T-Bomb. It did not go well. Lots of feelings of betrayal. "Why didn't you say something back then?" "If I only then......" Also somewhat like you it seems, she also put a high value on me "sorting things out". That I needed to see where the road leads this time around, as the alternative is coming home to find me swinging from a rafter in the garage on the end of a rope.

Somehow, so far, we are still together. I am somewhat forgiven. I still present primarily as male. I have a cup size larger then her non-enhanced breasts she claims. It is impossible for her to think of me as a husband. Our love binds us together. It is also tenuous as she is supportive to a point. What it is is a moving target, just as where I am in my personal growth

[Hazardus01]

Thanks Cindy and JoanneB, it's all helping even if not openly obvious right now.  I find everyone's stories fascinating as they seem to have the same basic events going on just different time frames and different circumstances everyone is in.

I have always struggled with the CD stuff which probably meant that I tried to ignore the more obvious signs of him being TG. It is making me reassess everything slowly and our relationship has never been what you might call easy due to us being the people we are. I seem to be more masculine than him at times which I attribute to having had two brothers, no sisters and a mother who lumped me in with the boys. My dad was there too but Mum definitely wore the pants in the family so I saw Dad as ineffectual but I was always Daddy's little girl.  Since the death of both our parents, my brothers have both tried to protect me in a way by saying I don't have to stay with my husband and they have offered to help support me if I were to move back to Brisbane, but my life is here not there anymore.  How much support they would actually give would be interesting as they tend to both say a lot but not do much.

I might start a new post about today's events so that this one doesn't end up super long .

Kind regards
Sandy

[Cindy]

Thank you Sandy,

I think you do put your finger on something, after 8 years on this site and meeting so many people starting their journeys it is very obvious that most of us have very similar life experiences.

Most of us try to hide and hope that in some way we will be normal 'men' (talking about TG women), we do very masculine sports, pursuits., jobs in the hope we will become men. We often get married have children, so we can be normal men.

But we cannot.

In many ways we are doomed; we are transgender and there is only one cure, transitioning.

Sadly, and to my and many other peoples infinite sorrow, is that far too often the people we love, our SO get caught up in the conflict.

I wish I had an answer, I wish I could find a way to comfort, I wish I could reach out and hold everyone in my arms and say, "It will be Okay". But I can't.

So I do what I can and Admin this Forum in the hope it will help people.

Sometimes I think it does, but way too often I feel a failure for not being able to do more.

Love

Cindy

[Feminator]

Hi! I have exactly the opposite thing happening to me. My wife or 11 years and I are both lesbians, but she was always just Butch. Recently she told me she has had difficulty with her gender(I suspected) and wants to be more  more masculine. She identifies as non gendered and now has settled on Transmasculine/FTM. Since it is the beginning of our journey, she has not decided on pronouns, currently using they/them, and/or if she wants to use T or what changes she wants physically. It's all up in the air. If she transitions, will I be as attracted to her as I am now? I love her to distraction so I can't believe that I would not be able to work this out within myself, but I live in fear that it will happen. I can't imagine my life without her, and I am not willing to give her up. She needs to be who she is. I told her that I don't know how we are going to do this, or get through it, but we will, somehow. Some days I cry because I fear the future, and some days are really good because I feel her increasing happiness with finally being herself. She is the same inside even though this experience will change us both in ways we don't see now.

Maybe some time for yourself while you get sorted and a therapist for you would help? Just sorting through all those feelings can be a relief. It's hard to feel that the whole world is not falling apart out from under you. If you can process your emotions, even if you can't be sexual with him, you can both be friends and save that aspect of your relationship. The important part is to be honest with each other and to keep talking. Who knows, maybe you will fall deeper in love with the person you are getting to know.  (((HUGS)))