Fear of coming out

[LauraJ]

Reading comments from other girls and guys, I think there are a lot of us in the same boat. I have kept this secret for 30 years and in the last few months now so many people know and it scares me. I know who I am and who I want to be but I have been struck with so much fear the last few days. I don't live in the largest town and am so scared of the reaction I will receive when everyone knows.

How do you get passed this fear? I'm interested to know what has helped others in the same position.

[April_marrie]

Time     In time you just cope you have to , cant expect to change sex and no one notices [emoji136]


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[Ms Grace]

Living in the largest Australian city I have had a different journey in that regard, here nobody cares but I know that in country towns your business becomes everyone else's and once a few people know soon most will. How far along are you in transition?

[LauraJ]

Have been on hormones for a few months now and have 10 hours of electrolysis. Starting to see some changes but still have a long way to go. Most of the people I've told have been so supportive and I am so appreciative of that.

I guess what scares me most of all is if everyone else finds out before I'm ready. That they will be watching and waiting. I think the pressure would kill me. (If that make sense)

[Dana60]

Good question Laura, I'm coming up to 6 months on hormones and it is getting to be time to tell friends and family. This is something that definitely worries me but I have been talking to my counsellor about it, and think I am ready to start telling a few friends next month (we are about to get away for a couple of weeks, so it will be when I get back). After that is the family, which is the one that really worries me

As for the local community, while I do live in Sydney it is in an outer suburb, where you tend to know quite a lot of people by sight at least and gossip travels pretty fast. However I'm quite sure that when it does get out it will be a one week wonder, and then people will just go back to living their lives with other things to gossip about.

Dana

[April_marrie]

Personally if was me i would just do the slow transition as you change and you will people just know . I work in a tradesmans world  and  i have found they just know and we all just get on . I grew up in mining towns i know how small towns work

They will all probably rib ya as well as a matter of coarse  hon when i came out at my work i only had one ->-bleeped-<- everyone else was fantastic and so suportive  .
Once ya grow boobs it gets hard to hide them in a small town ❤️ take care

Couldnt have said it better Dana [emoji8]


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[Ms Grace]

A few months on HRT won't be all that much time for changes to be obvious - and since we'll be heading into winter you'll probably be able to cover up a bit more unless you live in the far north. Going into summer might be a different story as breast development may be more obvious in lighter clothes.

It is always a risk more people will find out before you are ready, and it is always a scary prospect. The trick, regardless of how they find out is to try to take charge of the situation by making sure you control the message and make sure they know what you want them to know. The more you tell the less opportunity there is for gossip and innuendo and misinformation.

[Claire_Sydney]

I know what you mean. I am starting to lose track of who knows what.

I was in my home town of Melbourne over the break. My Aunt and Uncle haven't seen me since October when I had a shaved head and goatee... They went on and on about how different I look (and I do). They kept referring to a baby face appearance, and their questions were getting close to receiving a 'none of your business' response. After what felt like an eternity, they stopped remarking. I'm sure they will grill my parents when they are alone.

I scheduled breakfast with an old friend tomorrow who I haven't seen for 9 months. I didnt bother waiting to respond to her surprise at the restaurant - when we were negotiating a time/place, I straight out told her I wanted to give her fair warning that my appearance has changed a lot since we last saw each other because I am in the process of changing genders. She was fine.

Strangely, the people I see in the office every day are completely oblivious. I guess that is because the rate of change is much slower for them. I know they are oblivious because they occasionally say offensive things about Caitlyn Jenner still !!

[LauraJ]

Hi Claire

I know exactly what you mean about your workmates! I get a few comments about my hair getting longer, luckily I can deflect this well. My boss and his wife know about me but no one else. They are so supportive, but the other guys do make hurtful trans jokes. It does cut but I also know that if they knew it would stop immediately.

Even though they are unaware, it has surprised me that nothing is said after I've had electrolysis. It's quite obvious something has happened to my face. Yet no one has said a thing.

[lily paige]

Hay
Ive been on hrt 2 months ive already told my family but work is a lot harder for me my supervisors know and are setting up a work place education program cause i know there are alot of people i work with the that are homophobic and transphobic. also things get harder coming out to them as the office just increased to over 160 members, also going out dressed up is difficult cause i cant use public transport cause ill see my colleagues,

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[Claire_Sydney]

...also things get harder coming out to them as the office just increased to over 160 members, also going out dressed up is difficult cause i cant use public transport cause ill see my colleagues,

I've been talking with my HR department about whether there is any hope of narrowing down the number of people we need to notify. Because I have worked for the company for so long and tenures are naturally long, I know 90% of people in our Sydney office - all 1,100 of them. We are probably just going to end up sending the announcement email to all of them.

I empathise about the risk of running into your work colleagues too. I live in a high rise and there are at least 15 other people from my company living within 500 metres of my doorstep. There are two work colleagues who live in the apartment block next door to mine. It's surprising how infrequently I see them, but it makes me nervous.

I walked into a nearby cafe a few weeks ago in my full feminine catastrophe - dress, wig, makeup, nail polish. I sat down and looked at the menu. When I looked around I saw a work colleague from my department sitting at the table next to me! It was like a scene from a movie with me trying to hide behind the menu!

I got up and walked out without ordering. I doubt he recognised me. If he did he looked incredibly bored for someone who had just seen a work colleague cross-dressed in public. When the fear of potentially being seen finally subsided, it gave way to a sense of shame about going around hiding myself from my work friends.

There is a positive side. Most of my work colleagues are decent people and, on the whole, they care about me (even if they say some dumb transphobic stuff). If anyone saw me in public I'm sure they would keep it to themselves if I sat down and filled them in on what was happening in my life, and how damaging premature disclosure would be to my social wellbeing.

Do you think your work colleagues would be the same, or are they all jerks?

[LauraJ]

Hi lily

Sorry to hear that your struggling with how to approach work. I consider myself so fortunate with the boss I have. When I told him he said to me if any employee says anything offensive to me he will fire them on the spot.

I think the education program is such a good idea. From speaking to other trans people, most people are simply uninformed as to how we are no different to everyone else. As with everything in this life, education is the key

[Serenation]

I have lived and do live in very small towns. Things might not be as bad as you expect. I used to constantly get in fights but after starting transition everyone left me alone and that was in the 90's

Some one openly transitioned in my town recently and everyone seems fine.

[Cindy]

I'll share something I have posted before. A summary of a letter that came to the SA Gender clinic. It concerned a very small town, one pub. The place everyone went - and a transman, called X.

Dear Dr,

Thank you for making X into the man he is. Life is much easier for all of us. X no longer picks fights every Friday and Saturday night. He is a lot happier and we enjoy his company.

Signed
20 guys from the pub

[Ms Grace]

You know, Warren Entsch from the Queensland Lib Nats (he who proposed the Same Sex Marriage Bill) has a similarish story about a trans woman in a small Queensland town pub.

[Ms Grace]

I guess the bottom line is that if you have a good reputation and respect amongst your fellow townies it can go a long way towards earning their support and admiration.