Coming out impulsively then realising it was a mistake?

[orangejuice]

Has this happened to anyone? I'm lying here unable to sleep again. The same suffocating feeling that I can't breathe. I wish I was female in a female body. I don't know why but I know that feeling is so strong. I'm constantly bombarded with it and it has nowhere to go. It's like being thirsty 24/7 but never being able to drink.

I came out to my GP and I'm waiting for a therapist appointment which has now been a 4 month wait. And that's just to talk to someone. Hormones might not be an option for me anyway but even if that is something I consider who knows how long that would be. At least a year.

Basically I feel like I can't go on every day just existing. Just doing all I can to exist and make it to the next day. All the while feeling utterly suffocated by the thought of next week next month or next year. Sometimes I want to just start smashing things. Sometimes I want to take a knife and just stab myself to death. A lot of the time I do something that makes me feel even worse and a lot of the time I come on here and write something really depressing. Like this. Sorry. This site kinda sees me at my worst moments.

Anyway I've got that hopeless, nowhere to turn feeling and I'm finding myself running through how I would come out to my Mum even though it might be a mistake. She's the nicest person in the world in that she'll hold your hand and say I understand. But she's also really pessimistic and miserable. She only seems capable of dwelling on the bad rather that thinking about ways forward. This will crush her. She'll blame herself, because that's how nice she is, but then she'll mope and be miserable around everyone in the family and bring everyone down. If I tell her she'll be a different, less happy person for the rest of her life.

It's hard for me to imagine telling her and then not wanting to be anywhere but a million miles away from her because of the negativity she will bring. She would do nothing but support me but she also won't understand. She'll make me feel stupid because in all honesty she's not really interesting in learning about new stuff. Not not interested actually just not capable. She doesn't think that way. I'm trying to imagine explaining that gender is just a social construct and just because I loved playing sports doesn't mean anything about how I feel inside. She won't get that. And she'll make me feel horrible for even trying to explain. And I'll just want to never be around her. I guess I've talked myself out of this. It's just so hard to find ways to deal with this feeling without losing my mind.

[Laura_7]

You can do a lot of things in between...
growing hair out so it covers brows and the forehead,
voice training,
looking for some nice female clothes ... maybe some trousers and sweaters first ... second hand shops can be a good source...
trying some foundation...
etc...
a lot of things that can be fun.
You could also look for some support groups in your place.

Many people start coming out to a friend.
Here are some resources:
http://www.gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf

http://www.acceptingdad.com/2013/08/05/to-the-unicorns-dad/

You might try to feel like a woman inside ... just being yourself...
it carries over and shows in gait and mannerism...
not exaggerated just in a natural way...

so there are a few things to do ...
and time will pass quickly...
just do it one day at a time.

If you feel you want to reach out you can call here:
www.translifeline.org

Its other transgender people...

*hugs*

[Violets]

Coming out to parents is difficult, but who knows, your mother might surprise you. The reaction I received from my parents was unexpectedly supportive, though it took some time for my mother to stop blaming herself.

Congratulations on taking that first step of making a booking to see a therapist. Four months is a long time to wait, but it will be worth it!