Do you live in two worlds?(male and female gendered), and how do you handle it?

[SonadoraXVX]

Myself, I'm kinda of an outlier of a sorts, been on hrt for 3 years and change, and I feel fine, but lately, within the past month or so, I have become more emotional of sorts, such as taking a mental day off from work, just because some female coworkers frazzle me with their conversations, it never ever used to happen pre hrt before, but lately it has. Due to circumstance in my life/work/school, I have to present as much as a male mode that I can, its worked so far. How do some people who are bigendered, at least mentally and physically, but under wraps, maintain mental sanity in this situation? Any suggestions? and yes, I'm seeing gender therapists, but would like feedback from the rest of the world here? Balance between male and female interaction?, since I know I'm not the first guinea pig to venture into this...

Lucia,

[Ms Grace]

I guess I was in the month leading up to going full time. Being part time Grace and part time dude mode was making me really confused and wanting even more to go full time. I ended up shortening my original time line to going full time, couldn't stand being in dude mode a minute longer.

[Anxo]

I have to keep being a "girl" around my family and parents and the outside world (basically everyone except my friends and the internet). I just remind myself that I'm a boy as much as things can bother me. I keep it in mind that someday this will all just pass and that I have to keep fighting and moving forward in order to be who I want to be

[diane 2606]

@SonadoraXVX:  The closer I got to transition, the harder it was to change back to boy-mode when it was time to go to work.  That seems to be standard for most people. As far as needing mental health days, that's part of the process, too. If I was giving advise, which I'm not, I'd say keep your eye on your current goal. When that's achieved, focus on the next one. Nothing comes quickly, and this has never, ever been easy.

All the best.

[GarryLynn]

I'm intersex and agender, though I identify as a woman because in society you pick one or the other, I try not to think about it, but when I do I look at it as "Hey I'm unique, and I can be proud of it. There's nothing wrong with the way I am and I'm still the same person I've always been"

[Deborah]

What I have found on HRT is that the urgent desire to dress and publicly-socially transition has subsided a lot.  So presently I don't really view myself in male mode or female mode at different times but rather in me mode all the time.  Since clothing has become an insignificant thing for me being in me mode all the time makes me happy and is stress free.


Sapere Aude

[donnanewgurl]

Yes I live in two worlds but the would of the male side is coming to an end. Since I came out there hasn't been a day that goes by that my female side adds more and more in to my life. I can now do lip stick with no problems. I have more panties then boxers. I can walks in heels and I love it.

[SonadoraXVX]

Yea, the divide for me gets weird. For me, I've been on hrt for the past 3 years, 3 months, and I'm still read as male so far(even though I have noticed a few guys kinda stare and blink, with a wtf stare aka curious stare, and then look away), plus I'm 47, started hrt at 44, low dosing, but the problem I'm encountering, is my emotions, I've started noticing I'm getting sarcasm and more microaggressions from females at work, but females out in the world, could give a poop. I'm wondering, if I'm tuned in more to females and their emotions, but this late on hrt?, its kinda weird. I never thought of myself as hypermasculine, well yea and no, i'm a vet, but still <fudge>, wonder if I'm more sensitive to the microaggressions on hrt, or are females reading me differently. Just curious what other responses are...

This is starting to rankle me a bit...

[suzifrommd]

How do some people who are bigendered, at least mentally and physically, but under wraps, maintain mental sanity in this situation? Any suggestions?

Hugs Lucia. That was the hardest period of my transition - when I was male most of the time. I went out with wig and makeup as Suzi every couple weeks or so. I joined a couple clubs as my female self so soon I had some friends who knew me only as Suzi where the rest of the world knew me only as <dead name>. I kept myself going by looking forward to the time that I would be Suzi all the time, and it did not disappoint.

[TechGirl]

@SonadoraXVX:  The closer I got to transition, the harder it was to change back to boy-mode when it was time to go to work.  That seems to be standard for most people...

Yes, this.  Every time I take off my fake breasts to return to male-mode, it feels like I'm ripping off a vital part of me.

I'm in male mode this week due to doing major work around the house (have no old female clothes yet, wardrobe too new!).  I hate it.

Weirdest part was last night.  I hadn't shaved in over a day and saw myself in the mirror.  I've only been openly dressing for the past few months.  Yet seeing myself in the mirror that way confuse me.  My face looked dirty; very dirty, and wrong.  I used to love growing a beard.

I imagine the confusion will get worse as time goes on, can't wait for hrt.

[JoanneB]

For about 4 years I lived part-time female pretty much only presenting male for work. It is emotionally draining after a while. Many to most of my support group members went through what turned out to be a far shorter period of part-timing then anticipated. They easily reached the "F'it" point and went full-time. TBH, I teetered on the edge of that point quite a few times. Unlike them I did not have as strong as a need to PLUS I had other needs on the male side far outweighing the female side.

When I started this journey of healing some 7 years ago my primary goal was to find some way to get the male and female aspects of myself to live in harmony. I saw that beating one down keeping her locked away was ruining my life, ruining my soul. Transitioning to full-time was off the table, been there tried it twice before. Low dose HRT helped resetting me emotionally in the past and worked again. This last time low dose turning into feminizing as my coequal side blossomed. As I finally began feeling good being "Me"

[FrancisAnn]

Years ago I worked as male in one town & lived as myself in another town 65 miles away. The commute was terrible but it was so worth it to enjoy being Francis Ann a very nice woman. I had a completely feminine apartment, so pretty & so enjoyed dating some very nice men, enjoying life.

[SonadoraXVX]

Great responses ladies, I very much appreciate them

[JenniferLopezgomez]

I guess I was in the month leading up to going full time. Being part time Grace and part time dude mode was making me really confused and wanting even more to go full time. I ended up shortening my original time line to going full time, couldn't stand being in dude mode a minute longer.

My feelings exactly during my last month or two prior to going full-time. Polishing nails and then applying nail-polish remover multiple times a day was just ONE thing that reminded me that I NEEDED to go full-time inside of a month o two -- and I DID!

[warlockmaker]

I lived 3 years on HRT and lived as a male.. I watched my style in what I wore get more androgenous and I started letting my hair get long....eventually into a pony tail. ..my shoes changed, tight trousers, very clear face.  That helped me gradually feel more comfortable ....though many gay men hit on me.  I kinda enjoy the memory of those times.  But always wanted to be fully female ....just had to cope

[Daphne Alice]

I've come out to everyone but work. Weekends and evenings I get to be me. But the 70 hour commute and work week in boy mode are so hard, and I can't come out at work for potentially 18 more months!!! needless to say, I'm betting against me.

[Melanie CT]

Thank you for asking this question. I started low dose HRT about 9 months ago. I'm still present as male but letting my hair grow a little longer and wavy. That feels good but that's about it for now. Still struggling with not being able to transition. This post helps.

Thank you!


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[Ms DeeDee]

Oh Lucia, this is a beautiful thread. 

I am non/pre (don't know yet) transition, living at work and in community groups as male but at home and out shopping, I'm as female as I can be.  Right now I need to get a paper done but can't stop thinking about the Swarovski clip-ons that are supposed to come today, the shoes and dresses I want to order and the prospect of getting my ears done later this year.  The big block on that is that I may have to interview for a big promotion and don't want to show up with piercing studs and just writing about it makes me start to feel like I'm about to cry.  Taking my breast pads out yesterday to go for a walk with my family hurt but I hadn't shaved and didn't want to look like a weirdo, at least I wore very girlie jeans, a blouse, and a pink running jacket and afterwards my wife danced with me and took the lead.  Tomorrow, I have to go to work, I'll have to wear men's business casual, put on a tie and at some point during the day put on a sports coat for an important meeting, I won't be in the least bit pretty.  At least I can relax when I get home.  Wednesday will be even harder because when I get home from work, I can't change into girl clothes or put on my earrings because I have a Scout meeting and I'm not out to the parents in my boy's den.  The whole thing is just very painful and at the same time, I really wish I could be comfortable just going back and forth and being a man when I need to socially.  I hope maybe I can get there, there's really no need for me to have the parents in Boy Scouts accept me as a woman.  But right now I so long to be one that I can hardly bear it.  I just thank the universe that I'm so fortunate as to live in a liberal state and work for the government where there's a chance I'll at least be tolerated and possibly accepted if I do eventually come out at work and community.  I cry every time I hear about girls (and guys) who aren't so fortunate.

Thank you again Lucia for starting this wonderful thread.  Many big hugs for you and all the girls out there in this situation.  I love you all so much.

Love,
DeeDee

[MichaelaLJ1972]

I'm in a weird position of being out to pretty much everyone, including work, but I still present male. The main reason is my home situation. Someone needs to be here and take care of my elderly father and he's not very understanding of my transition. I don't expect him to totally "get it", but it would be nice if he could at least accept that I want to wear wigs as my own hair grows out.

I thought I would be ok for at least a couple years presenting as a male... I'm at least trying to find a way to be more androgynous. My dad's having a hard time even accepting that. People at work are amazing and very supportive which is nice, but I should be able to feel safe in my own home, which I don't.

Since upping my dosages, I've noticed I am starting to see changes more quickly (big surprise /sarcasm) My sister said I should have my dad come to one of my therapy sessions with me and have my therapist work as a mediator. I'm just scared he's going to see this as an ambush. He's got that old school mentality that therapy is just a waste of time.

Maybe he'll come around. At least he hasn't told me to strap down my boobs again. And I know that they are noticeable so he's kind of accepted that... I think.

[schwarzwalderkirschtort]

I'm out half and half, and have been living partially male and partially female for 5 years. I'll just say now, it's pure hell.

Because I'm not fully out, I don't earn the respect of using the right pronouns. Nobody has asked my preferred name. It's become a taboo, and rumours have started everywhere about me. People come up to me and ask things. It just sucks. If you're gonna come out, do it all at once, or in a short time period. I'm sick of my situation, and wish I did.