Asexual, surgery looks like a fight, frustration

[Misato]

Hey,

Been a long time since I've been here.

Yesterday I asked my insurance provider about Gender Confirmation Surgery and was told that because I have an individual plan, no, it is not covered. In that moment I was relieved cause the idea of surgery, any surgery, freaks me out. Not to mention concerns I hold about how is my insurance going to punish charge me in the aftermath? But now that I'm alone in the dark of my room, I'm looking at the question of, "well, now what?"

One big rub of the thing is I'm asexual. I've been trying to nurture and grow an interest in sex cause I suspect the fear of Hell I had growing up did an outstanding job of suppressing my sexuality, but I just can't make myself care. I bought a vibrator, I've used it  and I don't understand why others fuss over them. There are good books to read, and YouTube videos to watch and planes to fly. Which brings me to my other contributing problem.

Last year SUCKED cause after 19 years of not flying, I got it in my head I wanted to get my pilot's license current. My problem then became the FAA's antiquated approach toward trans folk as I spent most of the year in a fight with them trying to get the Third Class Medical I needed to function as a pilot in command again. I talked to and kept talking to lawyers, the media, wrote for a blog about the discrimination I was facing and for the most part I felt alone. Sure I got words of support, but I never felt like I had an ally in the fight with me or that I was doing anything helpful or generating any more interest beyond a few statements of, "That sucks". Eventually I got my medical but it was only due to the slow churn of the burcuracy that was already in place. That all my effort feels as though it was futile, I just don't want to go through another fight like that alone only this time over surgery.

College, now that was worth the investment. Flying has been worth the investment. Surgery? I have a feeling post op I'll have a reaction of, "What was I waiting for?!?" Like something hidden will be unlocked. Will that be worth $30,000 I could put toward retirement and the fight? From where I am now I don't understand how it could be.

If it were just paperwork and a few thousand bucks, like an everyday expense toward my deductible, I could and would do something routine like that. I feel like the obvious thing I should do is start a fuss but... My heart ain't in it. I guess I need to accept that?

[suzifrommd]

Hi Paige, it's really good to see you again.

Being post-op is very different from what I thought it would be. One of the big surprises that I began to be interested in the idea of being sexual with a man. Haven't yet found the right situation, but I would try it if the situation warranted.

I do have moments of sheer euphoria, where I realize I have the bottom I've always wanted and I have a few seconds of ecstatic amazement.

I'd like to say I'm thankful about my surgery when I wear tight jeans and bathing suits, but the fact is I don't even think about it anymore. I just wear them.

It does eliminate some of the dysphoria I felt around cis women that I'd never know what they're bodies feel like. Now I do.

Was this all worth tens of thousands? To me it was.

[kittenpower]

I would like to fly as a hobby; in fact I would love to just fly solo one time, even if I didn't do it again, but I am apprehensive due to the costs, and I would rather buy a new guitar, so flying is on the back burner for now, however, for the last 9 years I've been paying for feminizing  surgeries, because being a whole person comfortable in my body is everything to me.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! Sure has been awhile! Great to see you around. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Misato]

Beyond bathing suits I'd like to have surgery for dancing. I haven't danced with guys much but when I have I've always been worried about... Unwanted misbehavior between my legs.

I think I'd see a general increase in my day to day comfort. I just don't have it in me to fight for this thing. I still did research and it looks like I might be able to switch insurance companies next year to a company that'll be more helpful.

I'm still worried about the medically necessary bit. My junk only annoys me, at worst. I don't have a use for it and my surgery would be just to create the look of the correct anatomy for the bathing suit and dancing reasons as my interest in sex is non-existent. I must be tired cause I keep thinking "I'm being cock blocked in an avante-guarde way!" If I were rid of the thing, that could wake something up in me. But I function in my life fine enough with what I have, so would I be setting myself up for a fight there too?

I wish this was as mundane as getting a flu shot. I want it done, I just want to be able to focus on the surgery and not be distracted by some battle. Nor am I motivated to go out of pocket. I keep thinking for me, the money would be better put toward retirement.

That I don't care about sex I think helps me get by in my day to day life. That I don't care about sex also keeps me in this purgatory of desire to go forward, but reluctance to actually move.

Hi Devlyn!

[suzifrommd]

That I don't care about sex I think helps me get by in my day to day life. That I don't care about sex also keeps me in this purgatory of desire to go forward, but reluctance to actually move.

I don't think my interest in bottom surgery really had much to do with sex. It was more that I wanted to experience being a woman in all its varying dimension. I didn't want to die not knowing what it felt like to have a vagina and clitoris.

[Devlyn]

If you aren't looking for  functionality, a cosmetic procedure would certainly be more affordable.

Hugs, Devlyn

[KayXo]

I'd not ignore functionality as you NEVER know, might come in handy one day and you might change your mind.

[Misato]

I don't think my interest in bottom surgery really had much to do with sex. It was more that I wanted to experience being a woman in all its varying dimension. I didn't want to die not knowing what it felt like to have a vagina and clitoris.

I understand that.

I think I've gotten stuck on sex cause it seems so very important to most people. Important enough, that it's something that could justify the cost or make me fight my insurance.

If I had knowledge about the state of insurance that would help. When I was fighting the FAA, heck when I was fighting an employer that artfully cut out every last thing I needed from their insurance, I had either the FAA's own rules or the behavior of other companies to wield arguments with. I lost in both cases but at least I had a sword to bring to the fight. This fight, I see no such information to weaponize.

I just double checked my quote. I dunno how I got it in my head that it was $30,000 but it's $17,000 back in August. That's a number I'm more comfortable working with and I'm taking it as good news.  But I'll be awake during this procedure. I kinda wanna throw up when I think about that cause it gives me the willies.

I'd not ignore functionality as you NEVER know, might come in handy one day and you might change your mind.

I appreciate the concern but the need to dilate played a major role in keeping me from even transitioning for over a decade. The cosmetic option is my only option.

[suzifrommd]

I appreciate the concern but the need to dilate played a major role in keeping me from even transitioning for over a decade.

It was a deterrent for me too. Who would have thought that I actually like dilating? It's a a few moments of peace where I can read, meditate, or just space out, while relating intimately to my new body.