Feeling nonbinary, but wanting to transition FtM?

[kk]

I am a confused bean.  I'm working on getting a therapist but for now I thought I'd put this out here.

I was born female, lived female for 23 years.  Always felt out of place and uncomfortable with people treating me like a woman.  I only started wearing makeup a year or two ago, and have since stopped wearing it except very rarely.  The past two years I've been thinking I'm trans, and usually on a given day I identify as male.  However, some days I wake up feeling like a girl and wanting to wear makeup and be cute and so on and so forth, and whenever I wake up feeling this way I'm like "what?" because it isn't my norm.

At times like that I feel like a woman, whereas other times I can't even use the word "woman" to refer to myself because it feels so wrong.  And when this happens I'm very confused, and I tend to switch back and forth between feeling male minded and female minded throughout the day, and it's very exhausting.

I'm wondering if I'm nonbinary, but I also wonder if I would be more comfortable with a male body (top surgery, mostly; my chest makes me very uncomfortable) and being treated like a queer man.  Like, I don't like dressing like a woman or wearing makeup because it "confirms" my identity as a woman, and I don't like being seen or treated like that.  I wonder if I were seen as male, if I would be more comfortable wearing makeup and feminine clothes.

I also wonder if hormones would help me with my anxiety/depression/general feeling of being unwell in the head that I've had since I was a teenager.

Edit: (re: hormones) Because I feel very male minded.  Aggressive, competitive, take charge.  But I feel like part of my brain is trying to make me think like a woman and it's very, very, very exhaustive and I hate it.  I wish I could just shut that part off and think singularly like a man.  And people expect me to think like a woman and it's just exhausting.  I am so tired.
Thoughts?

[suzifrommd]

I'm wondering if I'm nonbinary, but I also wonder if I would be more comfortable with a male body (top surgery, mostly; my chest makes me very uncomfortable) and being treated like a queer man.

My gender therapist strongly discourages me from trying to label myself, and instead focus on how I want to live.

So maybe focus on the second part of this question, what changes you want to make to your body and how you want others to see you.

[FTMax]

I agree with Suzi. I personally find labels really unhelpful. It's much more meaningful, I think, to figure out what is right for you and how you want/need to exist in the world than to worry about how to define what exactly that is.

[Dena]

My personal view of the non binary/binary world is something like this

CIS
Non binary with CIS Identity
Non binary neither/both Identity
Non binary with transsexual Identity
Transsexual

With that type of layout, the closer you move to the transsexual end of the scale, the more desirable it is to alter your body to conform to the transgender feelings. The kicker is fluid/bi gender because it moves around within the range. For them, the decision would be based on which gender they identify as most of the time or which gender they are more comfortable in.

Because the world is not ideal, the pressures of life may make it more desirable to avoid a transition even though you are uncomfortable in your birth role. The best way to make the decision is if you were going to spend the rest of you life on an island and never have contact with humans again, how would you want your body to appear.

T wouldn't directly affect the transgender feelings but it would indirectly affect them. The estrogen is what causes you to be uncomfortable and blockers or a high dose of T would shut down the estrogen factories causing a reduction in the transgender feeling. I suspect a proper social transition would still be required along with surgery but how far to go is your decision and not mine.

[kk]

Because the world is not ideal, the pressures of life may make it more desirable to avoid a transition even though you are uncomfortable in your birth role. The best way to make the decision is if you were going to spend the rest of you life on an island and never have contact with humans again, how would you want your body to appear.

Reading this, I immediately thought "male" and something like "please let me have top surgery before the apocalypse."


Reading your post it's become apparent to me I have only a shallow understanding of the transition process.  I'll do more research on hormones and blockers and their effects.

[DogSpirit]

Reading this, I immediately thought "male" and something like "please let me have top surgery before the apocalypse."

<big grin>

Eventually, all the questioning is part of the fun-- the discovery of aspects of yourself and what you really feel. When it doesn't feel like you're walking on marbles...

-- Sue

[Tessa James]

From 180 degrees polar, I too hated what the hormone my body produced was doing to me.  It was exhausting and I imagine you will feel much better running on the right fuel.  Good luck with your journey

[takloo2]

I'd possibly explore the feeling like a woman part? do you somewhat identify as female or do you just want to sometimes express yourself in a 'female' way.

definitely a way forward to get a therapist though wish you luck

[Rin-likes-rain]

I suggest limiting your focus. There are too many things buzzing around your head. Lets focus first on the makeup. You seem to really like these things, but you're afraid they define you which is not the case. I'm a transmasculine androgyne genderqueer, and I wear makeup. That makes me a girl just as much sitting in a garage makes me a car. Let yourself like the things you like.

As for what to wear, try to not think about what you MIGHT like to wear and focus on what you DO like to wear. Clothes don't define you either. If you have top dysphoria, look into getting a binder. It'll help you feel a little more comfortable in your skin while you figure this gender stuff out.

A part of me thinks you're just a questioning cis which is okay! It's good to question your gender, but not if you are going to force yourself into something that you aren't.

I'm not saying you aren't non-binary. You very well could be. You need to ask yourself what exactly is it about being a "woman" bothers you? How do you feel? Not how would you feel, how do you feel?

For me, non-binary feels right because often times, I forget I even have a gender til someone uses female pronouns which bug me. I think this is why it took so long for me to realize I'm trans.

So slow down. Take your time. And don't let this swallow you or it'll be a really frustrating ride.