so so lost

[bug32]

My spouse (M) wants to transition to female. He saw a Dr for a while, got on hormones and stopped after 2 months of taking them.. won't tell me why.

I have never been a fan of his want. Been with him for 8 years and the last couple years this was brought up to me. I love him to death but visually I don't want to be with a woman, but I have begged him to stay my friend and even live with me if he changed.

He refuses, says he wants me completely or he won't change. Aside from me not being attracted to females, I have heard many stories of mtf not being able to have sex, as their male parts stop working. This is another issue for me.

He does not want bottom surgery, does not want facial surgery, wants to still dress pretty manly, continue to work in a manly environment (welding).. basically he tells me he does not want to change a lot, just wants to be a more feminine version of himself with long hair... Which confuses me.

I guess I feel like he is unsure about what he wants, because I know a mtf who flat out wanted to be some one else visually.. no penis, act like a usual girl would, date men..

I'm just lost and don't understand what is going on with him.. If he wants to change or not.. and if I won't stay with him he just won't change he says but I'm not an idiot, I know that will cause issues down the road and he will become depressed or he will eventually just change.

[Dena]

I wasn't aware of this before I came to the site but I can explain it to you (I think). On one side we have people who we call CIS who are happy the way they were born. On the other side there is transsexual (me) who want every aspect of our role in life to be the opposite of our birth gender. Note that skills are common to both genders and sexual preference may be Heterosexual, Gay, Bisexual or Asexual. In between these two is the area of non binary. We have a section on the forum where people who feel this way post if you wish to explore it. You will find people who feel this way want something from both sides. Part time cross dressing may comfort some, some may find mixing it up helps and others may want everything other than surgery. There is even something called fluid/bigender where people change from one gender to the other. That is the most confusing because the have no control over it. They may be attracted to a dress one moment and then switch and become interested in a pair of hiking boots.

Your husband need to determent which of these non binary roles he feels most comfortable and then explain this to you. I am providing a link to our Wiki that may help you understand what being transgender is.

[bug32]

I truly believe he is gender fluid. Because he is not really interested in any women's clothing unless it's neon pink. But then he admits he just wants it for the color, he is much more excited about men's clothing.

Even now he still picks out and prefers men's shoes and clothing and said he would still wear mostly men's clothing once changed.

My fear is him not changing now and it causing issues between us. Or him changing now and deciding a year from now that he doesn't like it, but then he is stuck with obvious breasts that will depress him and make him uncomfortable.

[Dena]

I am not sure where he is either. I suspect not fluid but he could be on the male side of the spectrum or he could be suppressing his feelings. If he is suppressing his feelings, he could be anywhere on the scale and you won't know until he can no longer contain it. This is clearly a case that needs an explanation or a gender therapist and I would agree with caution until you get a better feeling for this.

By the way, it is possible remain sexually active while on HRT but it becomes a bit more complicated. The hormone need to be adjust so there is sufficient T to keep everything working but enough estrogen for feminization. When I transitioned, many girls were happy that things stopped working. Meanwhile with the same dose, I sadly fully functional up to the day of surgery. HRT has come a long way and more options are available.

The likely reason your husband quit HRT was because of something he didn't like. His male parts could have stopped working, he may not have like the different feelings he had, breast development bother him or the social aspect of work or home life bothered him. I have seen where one off comment has set a person off so them make major changes in their life. His workplace would be a possible source of such a comment.

He needs to open up but you may be the only one who can do it.

[phdinfunk]

There are several possibilities going on with your partner.

1)  This person might feel like embracing a totally female persona would be extremely difficult, and have major social consequences.  You mentioned not wanting to change jobs, for example.  But at the same time, your partner could be transgender and trying to find creative ways to become more comfortable, but without the social consequences of a full transition.

This seems possible also because you said you don't want to be with a female, but at the same time, your partner expresses a strong desire to be with you.  So, like a lot of situations in life, this person might be looking for a compromise.

2)  Your partner could be in a situation similar to my own, where a lot of the cultural expressions of womanhood don't hold a lot of currency.  Heck, my own mom spent most of my life wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and work boots while smoking Marlboro cigarettes.  One of our main activities together was her taking me fishing.  And when I wouldn't go, she would go on her own as it was her favorite activity for a few decades.  I'm not saying she was unfeminine.  She happened to grow up as a child of a couple of poor farmers in upstate New York and this was what she was most comfortable and happiest doing.  But, like, what would constitute "dressing like a woman" in my family?

Depending on how your partner thinks about all this, they could be very happy and feel they are fully expressing womanhood amidst what other people might consider a "partial transition."

3)  As the person said above, it's possible that some people want to live in the middle of gender expression.  Maybe having lived for several decades as a male, this person has internalized some of those ways as their own.  I would disagree, in some ways with the whole frame that this person couldn't still be "completely a woman inside" OR, for that matter, "a man inside."  But then, I don't like the rather limiting frames people use to talk about all this anyways.

In the end, it's like a whole lot of things involving relationships.  The only way you're going to know is ask and explore with your partner.  You could explore the conversation as a "Blue Sky" for both yourself and this person.  For example, what would you and what would your partner be okay with if there were no social consequences in the community for whatever chosen actions?  What would you and what would your partner choose or permit if money was no object?  If extended family was okay with every imaginable situation or outcome, what would you and what would your partner choose or permit?

Basically, frame the questions and the discussion to figure out WHY some objections are coming up, and which things are truly most important to your partner and yourself.  Be open to discover which objections of your own might be more social than deeply personal.  Basically discover out where everyone's (current) desires are, and where everyone's (current) lines are. 

Once all this is known, then you two can at least understand each other....  And I am guessing your partner is in some ways thinking in terms of compromises already (as most everyone must, transgender or not).  So, it's very possible that the lines where they would feel happy are compatible with where you will also feel happy.  But the only way to find out for sure is to create the conversation in as open and friendly as space as possible.

Good luck!  <3

--Lyra