The trouble with non-binary

[Deathmental]

I've been thinking a lot about the "non-binary" definition.
It really is something that I dig, but there seems to be a problem in my mind.

From reading around, it looks like most of the non-binary folks are transgender and are seeking some kind of treatment, HRT and so on. But, unlike most transgender folks, they feel they are not totally male or female (which I guess is also the case for most cisgender people, anyway). That's also my case.

But if you're moving away from you biological sex, describing yourself as non-binary puts you in a grey zone, in the eyes of other people. This grey zone puts you somewhat closer to your birth sex than if you just describe yourself as FtM or MtF. And this can be a problem if you're transitioning. So I find it easier for me to think of myself as just a different kind of transgender girl.

Does this make sense?

[Dena]

You are dealing with terms that have a meaning but if you were to make a scale, it would look like this with transgender being non binary and transsexual.

CIS / Non Binary / Transexual

Now the Non Binary is kind of a mix of things and it's hard to place them. The following are the ones I can think of
Cross dresser
->-bleeped-<-
Gender queer
Androgyne
Drag Kings and queens
People who live cross gender

There may be people do don't identify as binary but don't match one of the above categories but are transgender and fall into the non binary as well. In any case, you may want to look at our Wiki where it's all spelled out.

[suzifrommd]

Does this make sense?

Yes. It's why I tell people I'm a transwoman full stop, and only tell my closest friends that I'm non-binary. I want the world to see me as female. How I see myself (non-binary) doesn't change that.

[sparrow]

A friend of mine describes this as "rounding," kinda like we round numbers up or down to the nearest whole.  He says that he's nonbinary but rounds male.  He actually prefers to hear the occasional "she" describing him, but it's much easier to just pick a binary gender so you don't need to spend 20 minutes talking about your gender before somebody gets it.

There's good wisdom in this, and I wonder if I shouldn't go that route myself.  I do tell people to say "she" if they have trouble with "them/they."

One other thing in your post that I'd like to address... I not sure that "most" nonbinary people undergo medical transition.  Many, sure.  But there's scant data about us, so who knows.

[stephaniec]

the way I look at my own condition is analogous  to the speed of light.  with tangible mass a particle cannot reach the speed of light because the faster the particle goes there is a limit to its speed in proportion  to its rest mass. My desire is to be totally binary. I've thought of being female since I was a child and I kept doing things in essence analogous to training myself in the ways of womanhood. The problem is the  more I approach the speed of light ie being totally female I have mass( male) which prevents me from attaining absolute female( speed of light). So in a sense I'm non binary because of the male ( rest mass) , but mentally I strive for the binary.

[PrincessButtercup]

I think of my husband as a nonbinary male - he's mostly male, a bit female and 100% the man I love. Maybe I'm naïve, maybe on some days he agrees and on others he might not, but this view works best for me to describe the situation. I'm coming to more and more realize that not everyone fits in a neat little box whether that box is CIS male, CIS female, transmale, or transfemale - some people are a blend.

[sparrow]

For some people, nonbinariness is today what bisexuality was when I was a teenager -- there's a fairly broad recognition of the notion that everybody is a little nonbinary, and some of us are just further from binary.

[DogSpirit]

"Nonbinary" fits me so well. I'm female-bodied but have never thought of myself as womanly and I'm not a guy. I'm just kind of in the middle. I dress like a guy, down to the boxer briefs and packer, but I use the women's bathroom.

American society has always been fairly kind to "tomboys" like me.

-- Sue

[Tessa James]

"Nonbinary" fits me so well. I'm female-bodied but have never thought of myself as womanly and I'm not a guy. I'm just kind of in the middle. I dress like a guy, down to the boxer briefs and packer, but I use the women's bathroom.

American society has always been fairly kind to "tomboys" like me.

-- Sue

Oh yes, tomboys rocked my world from kindergarten on   Our parents didn't like it tho:( 

I knew I was not a man and thought I was magically going to become a mom and mother until the real story of puberty raised its head, pun intended.  The binary aspect of the more common narratives helped me deny the truth for decades.  Labels are for soup cans but do little to help us know ourselves and each other. 

Having been part of the LGBTQ world for all of my adult life I clearly see people adopting labels of convenience or to be part of community.  We all know gay and lesbian people who "come out" after being in a heterosexual marriage with children.  While I might consider their behavior to indicate they are pan or bisexual they are certainly entitled to wave their own flag and now identify as a lesbian or gay person if that is how they feel.  Similarly, after three+ years of transition I now identify as a trans woman. 

I don't always feel feminine, female or girly and my behavior, mannerisms and voice are a mixed bag too.  That is the truth about me, I lived a long time as a guy and that socialization seems to have a lasting impact on this trans girl.

Getting to know ourselves and each other takes time and trust.  Go for it!