So I Cut Myself Again Today…Who Cares Anyways?

[Tristyn]

Yeah, I was wondering if anyone else has this issue. I know I "shouldn't" do it but there is no good reason not to. Who cares if it chronically damages my skin? I sure don't and I'm guessing no one else really does either. But it does make me feel bad after I've done it for some reason. I just feel like the biggest **** pile out there. Why couldn't I just be a "daughter" like everyone wants? The only reason I am still alive is because I am too scared to end my life. I just go through the hours, days, months and years as an emotionless vagabond zombie with absolutely no "real" purpose in life other than to get it over with and hanging in there.

Even if I had everything I could possibly want, life seems absolutely empty. I mean, there are times when I am rarely happy but it's short-lived or I do it out of pretense to get along with someone for my benefit in the end (i.e. I laugh at something with my dad that I don't even think is funny just so I can get along with him and be able to attain all the necessities in life like food and shelter).

[IdontEven]

Even if I had everything I could possibly want, life seems absolutely empty.

I spent a long time feeling this way, and I've met a lot of others that feel that way too. I don't know what the answer is. I know cutting won't help you fill it up, though.

The way I got through many years of not seeing a point to life was to concentrate on "the next thing". Something that I at least mildly enjoyed that would occupy my time.

But the thing is, it seems like the only meaning there is in life is that which we give it. For me I found a few things that give me purpose and fulfillment, and life no longer looks the way it once did. I still get dark, no question, but I see the light at least 50% of the time

So you may have already checked all this, but make sure there's not some problem that's screwing with how your mind works. Not getting enough sunlight causes vitamin D deficiency which makes your brain work weird. Various glandular and hormonal problems can do the same. If all that checks out then you can try anti-depressants, getting a little more sun, exercise, straightening up your diet, etc. Seems silly and unrelated but these things really have a large effect on how we feel. It takes a lot of effort to do them when you're depressed and don't see the point, but that's kind of a choice you have to make, to either work on it or give up and let it fester.

I hope you find meaning somewhere, life is so much better with it.

Be well.

[stephaniec]

Well, hurting yourself solves nothing. I have borderline personality disorder that's pretty much under control for the most part. When I was your age I had nothing to live for. I had a terrible life due to dysphoria. I was a person who was wrong in every way. I got into drugs and almost died a couple of times. I physically bashed my head against walls because there was so much pain I live in. My final act of self destruction was to blind myself. I couldn't take the damn pain. I for what ever reason was spared my sight even though what I did and the number of times I did it was exactly like taking  blade to my arms constantly.  I was like that for a long time. I lucked out and didn't go blind , but I did damage my eyes where I have a permanent reminder of what I did. To have your sight damaged and to live in perpetual fear of going totally blind and have continuous horrendous nightmares and waking up in so much pain and fear of not seeing is no fun. I was wrong with what I did to myself , but I'm still alive . Please stop the cutting it proves absolutely nothing.

[SueNZ]

Hi Phoenix,
I could never understand how tough a strong dysphoria can be to make yourself self harm.
I have read some of your other posts today and there is also a lot of really positive stuff happening your way.
You are having a hernia fixed which is great as it fixes a health problem, you are doing really well at school so your goal of earning is getting closer so then you can be self reliant, you have friends on this site that show they really care for you.

Please try to see the good in yourself and enjoy the small successes that you are making, your life is heading in a positive direction and you are slowly ticking off the goals you are setting.

I was taught a saying at a course I attended once that does work. "Act enthusiastic and you will be enthusiastic".
Try to make your mouth smile and you will find after a short time you will start to feel happier.

Keep well Phoenix

Cheers

Sue

[Ms DeeDee]

Hugs Phoenix, we love you.

DeeDee

[Rachel_Christina]

It makes me so sad to see how huge the impact of gender dysphoria can have on our lives!
For me the best way to deal with it was to really relax and enjoy all the goods in my life! Having something to work towards always helped too!
I'v a small collection of classic cars that I love now!
Even though I'm female now its an old part of me I would never throw away or forget about!
You may not see it, but it gets better, and we all have a purpose in life, stop stressing about wher your going and wher you have been, enjoying the little things we do have is the best approach to happy being!

[FreyasRedemption]

We care. All of us.

[Shiratori]

Do you have anyone who knows your situation you could phone when you have these feelings? My fiancée has a history of self harm and before we lived together I let her know that she could phone me any time day or night if she felt that she wanted to cut. Just having someone to talk her down helped a lot.

[Elis]

I don't think I can really offer any advise. I have the exact same mindset at the moment. Cutting makes me feel better so what's the harm. Although like you I get this guilty feeling afterwards; maybe because people would judge me for it. The only thing stopping me cutting is my antidepressants.

[TG CLare]

I don't know how to help except to say that, I care.

Love,
Clare