Just started transitioning again and going through it emotionally

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Hi,

I've been lurking for a couple of days here and elsewhere and getting progressively more churned up and anxious. I realized I was trans in my late teens but decided that going through medical transition was unrealistic for me at that time. I took my issues and buried them as deep as I could. A couple of years ago I got into therapy again and when my depression wouldn't shift I finally tried chemotherapy for depression for the first time. It's made an enormous difference for me and was also a factor in me confronting my situation as a trans person living as the wrong sex. I have top surgery scheduled which I am very pumped about. I also decided to start T. Ever since the possibility of my body changing and being able to pass was raised I have been in mental turmoil.

I have some specific issues I'd like to put to you all. One issue is underwear. I've always loathed grannie panties but they're all I wear. The problem is, due to my mother forcing me to wear my father's underwear one day when I was a teen (which I think was really inappropriate) I have a major aversion to tighty whities or anything that reminds me of them. Boxers seem okay but I don't think they work with every kind of pants? I am a bus driver and spend upwards of 8 hrs a day in a seat.

The other thing that's bothering me right now is that I think my dose of T is too low because the endo is being overly cautious.  I weigh 170lbs (or more on a bad day ... being a bus driver is bad for keeping a healthy weight). I do have a frog in the back of my throat now but if you take working out, it's like I'm not being dosed at all.

Another weird thing, the endo wanted me to start T before having top surgery so fat deposits could move around but it seems from my reading that they move around late in the process. My surgery is in two months. I admit I wasn't well informed when I planned this process (too upsetting to read about anything transition related) but the surgeon doesn't care about my hormone status and indicated my bodyweight was the controlling issue. My endo doesn't seem like a flake but I'm feeling stressed as hell.

One more thing, I've heard rumblings from the healthcare sector about transition possibly being covered through ACA. This gets me really upset. Look at the epic meltdown over covering birth control pills. It just seems like false hopes that will never happen. But it's personal b/c I don't feel like I can afford bottom surgery and I feel jealous of guys who have had it done.

Eager to find out what y'all think.

Mod Edit:Dosage

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. The old question, boxer or briefs. If your are not old enough to remember it, google it some time. I am a MTF so I may not be able to answer all your questions but I would suspect the tighter pants that men wear today would work better with briefs. Before I transitioned, male pants were cut much loser and boxers were often wore by men who considered briefs to be confining. It those days they were also called jockey shorts implying that it was more desirable to wear them when racing a horse. I think the answer is what are you comfortable with and just how tight are the pants you will be wearing.

It also sound like two month is a pretty short time on T before surgery. I would suggest you talk with your surgeon about this and determine if the outcome will be what you expect. If not, it might be a good idea to delay surgery giving your body more time to develop.

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[invisiblemonsters]

boxer briefs. it's that simple.they're comfy, but not too tight and they don't look like tighty whiteys and come down far enough on your legs to fit like boxers. they work for every type of pants.

as for testosterone and top surgery, it doesn't matter imo. i was on T for not even a year before i had my top surgery done. no problems and my pecks look great. people even get top surgery before they go on T. it is honestly just a preference. some doctors want you to stop testosterone before surgery, mine didn't. i had a full blood work up before my surgery, everthing was a go. the weight can be an issue, so if anything, maybe just try to work on that.

a lot of people also start on a low dose and up it casually just to make sure they aren't having any side effects or allergies. my endo upped mine every 6 months.

[2fish]

As a kid I was forced to wear overgrown granny panties and as a pre teen and teen was made to wear "sexie" female undies... this was like the worst thing ever. I started to not wear them and often times wore my mini shorts has "boxers". I also secretly started to wear boy undies around 12 years old. I hid them from my mom by washing them when I showered and drying them in the back of my closet. I personally like boxer briefs. Tight and snug. Makes wearing pants more comfortable while packing.

As far as t doses go, I'm on a low dose and have been since I started a year and four months ago. My Dr said I could take it weekly but since my e levels are untraceable I decided to stick with the low dose every two weeks. Although my mood is slightly affected, my physical body is stable. If you have a good surgeon then they will be able to work with your chest and shape it properly. I had top surgery 10 months on t. I was overweight. I'm now 7 months post op and on a diet and my chest is looking amazing as I. Shedding fat.

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[arice]

Another vote for boxer briefs here. No help on T or surgery but wishing you a smooth transition.

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[AnxietyDisord3r]

Wow, everybody, thanks for all the responses.

I think I secretly want to toss all my granny panties in a bonfire, but I've been scared to take the plunge, you know?

I think if I buy underwear that isn't white, it'll help. I'm also curious about moisture wicking underwear. I understand it's not made of cotton, which would help with not triggering bad memories, and I live in a very humid climate. Has anyone tried these?

As a kid I was forced to wear overgrown granny panties and as a pre teen and teen was made to wear "sexie" female undies... this was like the worst thing ever. I started to not wear them and often times wore my mini shorts has "boxers". I also secretly started to wear boy undies around 12 years old. I hid them from my mom by washing them when I showered and drying them in the back of my closet. I personally like boxer briefs. Tight and snug. Makes wearing pants more comfortable while packing.

As far as t doses go, I'm on a low dose and have been since I started a year and four months ago. My Dr said I could take it weekly but since my e levels are untraceable I decided to stick with the low dose every two weeks. Although my mood is slightly affected, my physical body is stable. If you have a good surgeon then they will be able to work with your chest and shape it properly. I had top surgery 10 months on t. I was overweight. I'm now 7 months post op and on a diet and my chest is looking amazing as I. Shedding fat.

Being forced to wear "sexy" undies is horrible! I would have died! It's a good thing my mother is bad at scheming because she schemed to turn me straight at the end of high school. She is not straight either (bisexual admitted and may be some gender issues in there as well). "Here, spawn, let me set you on a lifetime of denial and misery just like Mommy!" Damn, why?

Re: T. I wish I could be zen about this dosing thing, but I feel like E and Progesterone have been poisoning me. That's not based on any facts; it's just an intuition. My depression is pretty much confirmed hormonal (in part--obviously situations and circumstances play a role) but I didn't get treated for that aspect for years because I was in denial about having periods. (Note: stained a lot of clothing that way.) The idea that my T levels might be insufficient now is making me panicky. Probably wrong forum for this but I have to get four .25mL injections out of a tiny bottle and the last one ... I don't know if I dosed myself with anything at all. I'm pretty freaked out. (Who knew stabbing yourself was the easy part and filling a syringe was so complicated?)

I have this memory from maybe my early twenties. Something went wacky with my hormones at the end of my period and I actually felt ... normal*. It only lasted a day. Then back to misery. I wish I had known hormone blockers existed. Actually crying right now. Don't know why my brain chemistry is so messed up.

*in terms of mood/anxiety/emotional range/confidence

Thank you again, everybody, for your kind replies.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Okay, have to add something because once I start talking it's hard to stop. I have had pretty terrible adult acne (runs in the family--I laughed when I met the endo and she started warning me about acne). In my early 20s I saw a dermatologist who tried a lot of stuff (that didn't work, but she tried). PCOS was the trendy new diagnosis and my face was a comedone riot so she tested my T levels. I was really hopeful but they came back undetectable on the panel and I was crushed.    It makes sense, though, because since puberty I've had trouble putting on muscle mass especially upper body. It's really painful to watch cis women who are better at building muscle than me. I'm terribly insecure about this. Actually, this is why I got overweight because I was trying to work on my arms and shoulders but then some life stuff happened and my weight got out of control. My arms are slightly stronger now (like 30% more) but now I have borderline high blood pressure because of my weight. 

PS: turns out I am gluten intolerant and even though I am still very prone to acne I really get bad acne when I eat gluten. But nobody knew.

[2fish]

I buy colorful and fun boxer briefs. No reason undies should be dull and boring. My undies are cotton. I live in humid climate also. Once t hit my blood stream I was finally feeling normal.

Tip: take an old empty vial and fill it with cooking oil (canola/vegetable). Practice taking the oil in and out of the vial. Also, just fill the vial with 1 ml. This way you can practice properly.

Hope this helps.

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[2fish]

Also, I'm on a new diet. The paleo diet. Basically the cave man diet.  I've been on it one week and so far I can see it working.

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[2fish]

How often are you getting blood work done? I suggest getting them done every 3 months for the first year. My Dr agreed and said that he likes to do that. My Dr and I are a good match.

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[haeden]

Luckily my mom never forced anything on me. She made her suggestions and I would either cave in or not. She would get me the Mary Kate and Ashley boxer briefs when they made clothes. I was so happy to have underwear that looked like my brothers!
Now I buy my own underwear and before not wearing boxer briefs didn't bother me but now I can't go back to wearing girl underwear. My favorite brand are Adidas. They fit fantastically with minimal if any ride up. Plus they're sports so they have that anti sweat and all that good stuff. Rico has good ones too but the trunks ride up like crazy! My cis guy friend even had problems. They made our butts look great but they cut into the gems! I don't like cotton under wear since I'm normally so hot so I stick with the sports type or anything silk like. I spend a lot on one pair of underwear compared to most people tho
I'm not on t but I've spoken to a surgeon about top surgery and he said I didn't have to be on t to get it. But I'm not sure how being on t for about 2 weeks will effect anything I guess it depends on how fast your body changes

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[FTMax]

I wear boxer briefs most days. They work with everything in terms of pants. Look for ones that have a fitted leg so they don't ride up. I also have boxers, but they are a little less comfortable if you're wearing tighter pants because they tend to bunch up.

How long ago did you start T? I would ask your endo if this is an introductory low dose or if this is your full maintenance dose. A lot of HRT providers start you on a lower dose so that you body doesn't get overly fatigued. Please stop posting your dose, it is not allowed here That said, it does sound like an introductory dose to me, so I would just clarify with your endo. I would also ask about getting a larger vial. I don't like the 1ml vials for that exact reason - too tough to get the final dose out. Ask for a 10ml.

Fat redistribution is hit or miss in terms of when it happens. I think people notice the most dramatic shifts after some time on T, but there are also guys who experience shifts in chest tissue or thigh tissue pretty early on. It really doesn't matter if you're on T when you have surgery. The only difference I've noticed is that guys who have been on T for a while are usually able to develop better pectoral muscles prior to surgery, and that can improve the aesthetics. But if you had surgery first or had surgery before you started working out, you can always get more muscular.

My bottom surgery is being paid for by an ACA plan, but it ultimately depends on where you live and what plan you have. They are all different by state. When I had top surgery, I had a different plan through the ACA and it didn't cover it. I'm lucky enough now to work in a state that mandates trans inclusion in healthcare plans. My plan pays for my doctor visits, lab work, testosterone, mental health referrals, etc. It just paid for my hysterectomy, and my bottom surgery has been approved as well. But like I said, not all plans are created equal. Do your research.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

How often are you getting blood work done? I suggest getting them done every 3 months for the first year. My Dr agreed and said that he likes to do that. My Dr and I are a good match.

Every 3 months. I just started. Basically I won't know for two more months if I'm in therapeutic range. I mean, something is happening but my fear is that it isn't consistently.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Max,

Thanks for the pointers. I am on an employer provided plan in the Southeast. The only way transition would be covered would be federal mandate. Because I am in a rural area there is not much to choose from on the Healthcare Exchange. I guess I could move, but I am a labor activist here and I don't want to abandon my work.

[FTMax]

Max,

Thanks for the pointers. I am on an employer provided plan in the Southeast. The only way transition would be covered would be federal mandate. Because I am in a rural area there is not much to choose from on the Healthcare Exchange. I guess I could move, but I am a labor activist here and I don't want to abandon my work.

http://out2enroll.org/ is a good resource to start with. Once you've made enough posts to PM, you're welcome to PM me with your state and I can see if I find anything.

You could also consider asking your plan administrator to remove exclusions. Somebody in HR would be able to direct you.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

You could also consider asking your plan administrator to remove exclusions. Somebody in HR would be able to direct you.

It's a nice idea, but I already asked him about it and he started ranting about Obamacare.

Basically, politicians are my only hope right now. But I will PM you when I can because maybe next year?

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Well, the good news is that I'm seeing a therapist today.

The bad news is that it's an intake session because my old therapist got a better job.  So, not much chance to discuss what's been stressing me lately. Plus I forgot to take my antidepressant Sunday so I'm probably going to crash off of it today. Wish me luck.