Feeling completely misunderstood and unsupported

[Hunchdebunch]

I just feel really misunderstood lately, like it's just one thing after another. Like I feel like I'm just being melodramatic or too sensitive, because everyone around me seems to just not understand how terrible I'm actually feeling. I feel disgusting about myself. I feel disgusted by my body, by my face, by my voice. I feel disgusting because everyone and everything around me is making me feel like I'm 'wrong' for not being a boy or a girl. People don't seem to realise, even people who I've asked to use my pronouns, how important it actually is. They don't seem to understand that even just one instance of being called 'she' or 'lady' can knock aside any positivity I've managed to scrape together that day and leave me feeling awful about myself again. I just constantly feel like I'm the problem, that I'm a burden, that if I wasn't so 'complicated' and 'weird' then I wouldn't feel so awful. I feel tempted to just give up completely and try to live as my assigned gender, even though I'm pretty sure that would destroy me. At least if I'm not even trying to live as who I am, then it won't hurt so much when I'm not treated as the person I am, or when people make light of my emotions. I don't know, I'm just so close to completely breaking down, but at the same time, I can't even cry half the time, it just won't happen even if I want to just for the release it'd give me. At this point I don't even really care if people see this; I'm just sick of talking about it to people in my life, because every time it just seems like they're fed up of me talking about trans/non-binary stuff.

[Devlyn]

Big hug! Remember, people are going to need time to adjust to something like this. How long did it take you to get a grasp on it? They're not going to work through it any quicker than you did.   

You have the right goal, living as the person you really are. Show the world a happy, confident you, not a you that mopes because you're misunderstood.

Hugs, Devlyn

[DogSpirit]

Ugh! How difficult.

I agree with what Devlyn Marie said.

But still, when it's all so intense and sensitive feeling, it's all like the torture of a thousand cuts.

Unfortunately, that's how it is. I'm a female-bodied masculine-oriented genderqueer, yet I have a heck of a time with nonstandard pronouns. Imagine how hard it is for people who aren't invested.

*shrug*

-- Sue

[Satinjoy]

Concerning post by the o.p.

Worrying post really. 

No its not easy but you get stronger.

I know what it is to break.  I broke here several years ago.  I needed help.

You learn that who you are is good and valuable.

Its a binary world, binary thought.  Eventually they aceept to a point.

But you need to embrace you.

I live visually as many genders. Full spectum.  Sometimes at the same time.

The core me is me.  Satinjoy...one of my names.  I have a few of them.

You are you.  People can be cruel.  Its true.  I have anger that doesnt go away from that.  But its ok.  They dont get to define me.  I get to define me.

If you can find others irl like you it helps.

If not, find out where to find them.  Clearly some are here.

Dont the people that are scornful interfere with your nonbinariness.  It will cause more dysphria.  Stay in your blend.

And know you matter.  The others are trapped, they cannot see.  They are binary.  You are more than binary, you are unique in gender.

Dont let anyone take it away.

Listen to Pink, the song "perfect".

It will touch your core...

Satinjoy

[suzifrommd]

I feel disgusting because everyone and everything around me is making me feel like I'm 'wrong' for not being a boy or a girl.

I hear ya'.

It's especially hard for non-binary people because our appearance doesn't tell our story. We have to educate everyone we meet just to be gendered properly. I couldn't take it. I transitioned all the way to a female presentation, even though I don't feel completely female.

The best I can suggest is to pray for patience. (If you're not much into god, try praying to your inner strength. It works just as well).

I hope this helps. Hugs.

[Hunchdebunch]

Thanks everyone, and sorry if I worried any of you!

I transitioned all the way to a female presentation, even though I don't feel completely female.

Yeah I considered transitioning all the way to a male presentation, then realised I really don't want to go on T. I think I want top surgery, but that's really it in regards to changing my body. Clothing-wise, I wear stuff from both the men's and women's sections.

Listen to Pink, the song "perfect".

It will touch your core...

Satinjoy

Thank you for your words, Satinjoy. You have a way of putting things with a lot of empathy but a lot of truth. I'll listen to the song when I get the chance. I think I have heard it before, but haven't really listened to it properly with my full attention.

But still, when it's all so intense and sensitive feeling, it's all like the torture of a thousand cuts.

Yeah, it's like the little things just gradually chip away at me, so that I appear to breakdown because of one instance of being called 'she', when actually I am breaking down because of the build up of 10 or so other things that reminded me that I am 'unusual' that day.

You have the right goal, living as the person you really are. Show the world a happy, confident you, not a you that mopes because you're misunderstood.

I do try, but I have always had trouble with my mood, and can go from ok to really down within seconds. I don't have very much self esteem, and so showing the world a happy confident me is very difficult at the moment. That's why just one or two instances of misgendering can shatter my self esteem completely, and no matter how good I was feeling about myself before, I usually end up feeling gross again. I am working on it, but not making much progress so far.

[DogSpirit]

Thanks for letting us know you're okay.

I don't have very much self esteem, and so showing the world a happy confident me is very difficult at the moment.

Yeah. Self-esteem. That's a big one. Colors everything you see and think.
I wish I had some magic dust for that...

[Seshatneferw]

Yeah I considered transitioning all the way to a male presentation, then realised I really don't want to go on T. I think I want top surgery, but that's really it in regards to changing my body. Clothing-wise, I wear stuff from both the men's and women's sections.

What worked for me was that I made a conscious decision to not worry about how people see me: after all, wasn't I supposed to be non-binary? It didn't work all that well to begin with, of course, but it was still a great relief to be able to concentrate on what I needed to do to be me. The self-esteem and confidence followed eventually.

The problem with being non-binary is that there are no clear gender stereotypes to conform to. You have to find your own way, and that takes time. But don't give up, you'll get there in the end.