On the verge of giving up on dating

[Cute Ida]

Hello Everyone. Have any of you lesbian identified women on here have had such a difficult time in finding a woman that was open to dating a trans-woman? It seems no matter what I do I can't get a date. I've tried both online and meeting people while out and about. I briefly tried to date men but that didn't work out so I resumed dating women. After 6 months of trying I finally had a date with a woman a month ago but she ghosted(faded out/stop communicating with me all together) me. She was so interested during the first date (coffee) but then fades out on me. I've tried craigslist, plenty of fish and match.com. Once in a while i actually get a chance to talk with a woman only for her to stop talking to me, either because she read in my profile that I'm trans or some other reason.


Just a few days ago I started talking to a woman that wants to start dating women, she moved to the twin cities from london and would be fine with a trans-woman and is a sci-fi nerd as I am but after I asked her what her fave movie and fave star trek movie she stopped talking to me. Why? I think the genetic lesbians on Pof have been telling the other women on there to either ignore me or to stop communicating with me simply cause I'm trans and then they do. After 33 years of failure, rejection, being faded out on (many times), a few bad relationships, taking dating breaks, trying to date men, getting few or no dates, haven't had sex in 10 years, no female being interested in a pre-operative trans-lesbian on hormones I'm on the verge of just giving up on dating completely. And I don't mean temporarily or taking a break. And please don't tell me to enjoy being single. I don't enjoy it, never have and I never will. I absolutely hate it like the plague. Does anyone have any advice, words of encouragement or ideas?

[stephaniec]

no advice other to say I haven't had sex in 40 years. If I wanted sex I could because it's pretty easy to do. I don't know if I'll ever find anyone. I do have plans of going out to my favorite bar one weekend in my new black lace dress and seeing if I can get picked up. but other than that I'm not really into it too much. I had a lot of sex when I was young. It's  fun once in a while. My therapist is in the same boat I am , she's single and never been married I don't think. We talk about it once in a while , but there's really nothing you can do until that moment when someone gets interested,

[suzifrommd]

I'm in something of the same boat. I've been trying to date for two and a half years and gotten nowhere. I'm not at the point of giving up, but I'm getting pretty discouraged.

I hear ya, sister.

[Mermaid]

I really hope what I'm about to say isn't offensive to anyone. I'm not stating facts, it's merely my speculation in conjunction with what's been my experience (based on observation).

I think it might be easier for men to wrap their heads around the fact that you're a woman, just because you're not like them. It might be a little harder for women, however, to relate and perceive you as being just like them, since your past life was still very different from theirs. It might be easier to say "you're different than me, so you're the opposite gender", than to say "you and I are completely alike, so you're my gender" when they perceive there to be some kind of difference.

I'd think this extends to males being accepting of FtMs too... perhaps women can accept FtMs better than men can.

I wound up on a lesbian forum by accident once and there was a thread about transwomen. The amount of bigotry, hate and toxicity just floored me. A few people were supportive, but most comments (and this is from LGBT women, mind you), were simply stuff along the lines of "I don't care if she's pretty, she'll never be a real woman to me"...
I think that no matter how good you look, some people are just prone to have a cynical side that makes them think your identity's not genuine. Some lesbians also seem to carry some sort of hatred towards men, so it's not too hard for me to imagine why misconceptions about transwomen appear.

I'm hoping that I've made sense, and I'm also hoping that your experiences don't get you discouraged. With these dating websites people can be backing off for multiple reasons... they might've been talking to someone else at the same time and opted to pursue them, they might be getting skeptical about dating and meeting people online, etc.
I think dating apps/sites are a little like meat-markets... there's too many people there, a lot of options, with no emotional attachment to any of them... so, if something doesn't go the way you wanted it to, don't assume it's because of who you are or something you did; there's a lot of factors that could influence someone's behaviour...

[liz]

Well, I'm stealth as women and not openly trans so I don't know how it could affect things but, being bisexual, I can affirm that i had much more trouble dating women than men.

Sorry to say that but women tend to be tremendeously more complicated than men. But before transition i had only men friends and well lot of "stupid" ones, so I learned how the backstage looks like regarding men brains.

What Mermaid said, however, is something we often see on forums and lgbt bar parties.

[cindianna_jones]

Back in the late eighties, I attended a gay church where I was welcome. I had no issues with the women there. Many said they would date me if I were "done." One did.

Now, I'm back on the prowl. I don't know where to go either. I've thought about online dating but I feel like I would be prejudged just because I'm trans. I feel like someone must get to know me first or should be more important than the trans thing if it is out. I'm not saying that I have the most charming personality. But I do have a personality. And that seems to count for something regardless of the trans thing. If I lived in a city, I'd get involved with a lesbian group. I might have better luck there.

As for men... I get two or three pervs every week on my FB account. I tell them flat out that I'm trans and lesbian. It doesn't phase them in the least. I think they are looking for a thrill more than a relationship. I so do not want a ->-bleeped-<- on my front porch knocking at my door. It creeps me out.

[April_TO]

I guess you've heard this for a million times already. Just enjoy your life right now, love yourself more and who knows the universe might just send you exactly who you need in your life. I truly believe that there's a lid for every pot. Sometimes, you just have to kiss a lot of frogs to get your princess.

I know being single in someway can be lonely. However, join a social group in your community - venture out and meet people as friends who knows she might just be lurking around you.

Personally, I have stopped dating all together. I find that the more I exert effort and desperation into it, the more I get myself involved with the wrong person. I just focus my attention in my career, family, friends and food lol.

Hugs!

[cindianna_jones]

I did set up a FaceBook page separate from family eyes where I'm looking. But you don't get to know anyone with memes.

I've had two great loves in my life. Both relationships ended because of the trans issue. Even though neither wants anything to do with me, I still love them and I have very fond memories. I'm older now and so what... I can live alone.

I'm just dying though without any real social contact. I've been thinking of moving to a city but the finances just aren't working for me. Maybe next year. I hope interest rates don't go up too much.

I think the younger people here stand a very good chance of finding a relationship. Times are changing.

[SheaEllen]

I think it depends on the community you are around. I would highly recommend looking into the women's roller derby community wherever you are located, there are generally one or more leagues nearby in most of the Westernized world. From what I have found, trans and non-binary women of all sexual orientations (myself included) have been accepted with open arms into the derby community (roughly 25,000 women strong worldwide). There have even been a number of lesbian weddings where one partner was trans and the other cis. All the trans lesbians I know have little to no problem finding dates. Even if you are not athletic, there are non-skating opportunities which allow you to be part of the community too. Maybe check it out - plenty of brilliant scifi-loving geeky girls involved. Anyway, it was the right fit for me and wanted to make the suggestion. If anything, you could make some really amazing and accepting friends.

[Hikari]

After my marriage fell apart I didn't really think there was any hope for me, but turns out there was.

I am in a relationship with another amazing transgender woman, which is fine I really don't have any preference between ciswomen and transwomen.

I had some good conversations on OkCupid, and a few others even found one girlfriend online like that but it didn't really turn out so well I had to break up with her. I later found the person I am with now while playing Eve Online the MMO. Eve has a surprisingly large transcommunity, and she didn't care at all that I was trans and I didn't care that she was.

It seems the best thing for me was to make connections with people and let it be known I was available. The problem with dating sites is that you don't get to make all that many connections, I mean you get a profile and whatnot, but you only get to have someone know you by a few messages before they decide that like you or not. In the case of the woman I am with now, we helped run an alliance together, which is basically like work. We had to interact with each other over long periods of time after all I first started talking to her in Eve in 2010 and it wasn't until 2015 that we officially became an item.

I would imagine you could make more meaningful connections by having hobbies, meeting coworkers, or meeting fellow churchgoers than you would a dating site, and you have to go thru alot of connections till you find one with any potential (after all half the world are men and only a small portion of women are going to want to date you), but it still seems to me a better method than strictly online dating.

[Wild Flower]

I given up on finding true love. Though, a boyfriend or husband is not out of the question, but I doubt it will be true love.

When I die... Hopefully I'll go into this state

[Sabrina]

I have no idea where to begin with this one. Sure I would love to date but am unsure how to go about it. I seem to attract wackos and creeps.