For me, as an older transitioner, when the excrement hit the air-hander once again in my life, after much soul searching I came to realize how I was NOT handling being TG was the likely root-cause. I never really had any doubts from an early age that I had gender issues. Over time I also had little doubt I could make it in the world as an out TS. Since my dysphoria was never so overwhelming I could not otherwise function I "Settled" on being a CD. My own internalized transphobia, growing up in the late 50's early 60's was not a tolerant environment at all for anyone or anything out of the 'Norm'. I needed to adapt, bury, denial, hate myself for being different, eat too much, drink too much, risky behaviours, etc.. But I managed.
Part of that management were my CD escapes. A constant in my life. In times when things going mostly OK, perhaps monthly. Not so well, more often. Totally horrible, total denial. Mostly due to guilt. Totally horrible began years after a Me became an US. I needed to balance many conflicting needs and wants. As free time became scarce it was easy to justify stopping such a frivolous indulgence like a Sunday afternoon of dressing. Especially when it sure didn't thrill my wife who has always been supportive, to a point.
It is now seven years after dropping the T-Bomb on her. I still have no clear, absolute, idea where I stand in the spectrum. Most of the time I am not at the "I need to transition" point. Well... TBH- I have transitioned Big Time.
Transitioning started for me when I finally decided to DO Something, anything different about being this 'oddity' that I am. Forty years of suppression by various means and some denial sure wasn't working for me. Being an imperialist, I don't dive almost totally unknowingly into the deep end hoping for a miracle. I made a little tweak, and quantify the results, Good/Bad.
For the most part the tweaks have all been good. OK, the wife thing could be better. She isn't thrilled about some bumpier aspects, yet is a LOT more appreciative of all the other positive changes in me.
Just as in the banner at the top of the page, I literally am trying to stay balanced on the knife edge between two genders. Fear, some Guilt, and (fear) internalized transphobia are factors. Having and maintaining good portions of my current life situation is a major factor. My wife is a lot more... accepting today then 7 years go. A lot more thinking in terms of us staying together as a couple if/when the day comes I need to transition.
I achieved my life long long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. Albeit in somewhat protective, almost real life, settings. I also have a fairly impressive "male" existence. Am I Gender-Fluid, Bi-Gender, or whatever number of things? Or, am I am what I am? Today. Far different then the person I was a decade ago. Likely different today then the person I may grow to become in my remaining years on this rock.
No person in their right mind WANTS to be Trans-Gender. I've come to the realization that I am. Like balding since 14 there is nothing I can do about either. I've never done the 'Comb-Over'. These days I don't suppress or deny that I am TG. Where I am on the spectrum, today, is where I am today.
Perhaps having a birth name of John in an age when every third male was named John gave me the ability to filter out names. Just as I tried to filter out a host of other names I was called growing up. Humans like to give things names. There are some 50 Eskimo words for something we simply call Snow. TG works fine for me, it covers any and all that I may be, gender wise.
