Struggling to keep it together

[orangejuice]

I was told 5 months ago that the waiting list to speak to a therapist was 4 months long. I called them last week and they said it will be another 'couple' of months. I'm really struggling to hold it together. This feeling is there suffocating me constantly. I feel like I can't breathe most of the time. The only respite is if I masturbate (sorry-I do have my doubts about what this means, but I've always wished I was a girl since I was as young as I can remember) It's like I can take a few breaths. Then the suffocating returns and all I'm left with is this this awful shame that I'm a disgusting perverted human being. How do I return to every day life after that?  It's virtually impossible. I expend so much mental energy just to remain in a state where I don't think about suicide that I can't think about anything else. My life is a complete joke. I just tured 27 and I'm still trying to finish a degree I started ages ago, interspersed with student part time jobs over the years. I've really done nothing with my life and I have been living back at home with my parents for the last few years. Seeing family over Easter they always ask me 'what is it you want to do when you've finished studying?' I think they know that if I just applied myself I could do alright in life. How can I say anything when the real answer is-i don't care, none of that matters, it takes all I've got to just get through every day in some kind of positive way, the future is just a blank hole to me and everything I do is just an attempt to put up some kind of acceptable front to friends and family. Not exactly an answer you can give.

I'm constantly breaking down and then building myself up again just to get neutral. There's no way I can actually achieve anything in life. Every day i have the potential to ruin my chances some more because when I get that suffocating feeling it's just like what is the point I'll never be happy anyway. I give up. I just want to sleep because it makes the world go away and pretend that when I wake up something will be different. It never is of course. By the time I pick myself up again a few hours, a few days, or a few weeks later, I've usually ruined something that I can't get back.

I don't even have much faith that talking to someone can give me a new way of looking at things, but it Is worth a shot, and I was getting by thinking, well I may as well keep it together until that. Now I have to wait another 'couple of months'. Sorry for the depressing post yet again. I'm constantly searching for any possible way to deal with this feeling and coming here is an attempt at that. I'm lying in bed right now unable to sleep because I had one of those moments of tearing my hair out at how hopeless the future feels. My history is pretty complicated in that I tried an anti-androgen briefly over a year ago, prescribed by a doctor, and felt great mentally and then physically had some scary things happen that have pretty greatly affected my everyday life. Hence why I feel pretty hopeless. Even after all the trauma of even considering hormones, that doesn't even seem like it could be an option for me.

[Stevie]

 I do not know where you live , but have tried contacting your county health department?  They may be able to get you some short term help while you wait.

[ainnanov]

You're not alone. I'm turning 28, in the middle of school, need 3 more years to graduate, living with my parents and have a part time job. When I'm done with school, that's a hefty student loan I have to face... All of it added to the fact that I'm having self realizations and confusions about my identity. I've also having some chest discomfort along with heavy breathing when I'm thinking deeply about my identity and the lack of progress.

What I can say is don't neglect other things like you studies and your future. It's just as important as getting a therapist. Look for other methods you can get help. There maybe some other institutions around your area that can provide help. Maybe even your school provides counselling. Always try. And it will get better.

[Dena]

I am not sure if it's available to you but our LGBT groups are separate from the medical community and the government. They are a useful group for information and help with the social aspects of the community. You should see if you have similar groups that may provide you with medical referrals. My local group has an extensive web site and I suggest you try googling your city name with LGBT and see if there is anything near you.

[orangejuice]

Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it, but there doesn't seem much I can do other than just wait some more. I'm from the UK. They offered me the chance to talk to someone on the phone in the meantime but this is so traumatic for me to say aloud and I could only do it in person. As for LGBT support groups and stuff well I'm not out at all and the truth is I actually can't ever imagine being 'out', so I think I'd be terrified doing that. Ive buried this feeling so deep that I have no idea how I'd ever be able to bring in to the surface. I look like a big balding guy and I'm an introvert. All my interests are sport related. My Uni has counselling and when I went initially two years ago I just managed to blurt out that I'm generally really unhappy. The therapist said I think you are a typical macho guy who doesn't like to talk about his feelings. Couldn't be less true but that is how the world judges me because of how I look and sound and the interests I've had. I feel so ridiculously uncomfortable in my own skin.

But I'm just holding on to the fact that talking to someone regularly about this might help. I've got to say I can't see how. But I'm hoping they know something I don't.

[Tristyn]

Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it, but there doesn't seem much I can do other than just wait some more. I'm from the UK. They offered me the chance to talk to someone on the phone in the meantime but this is so traumatic for me to say aloud and I could only do it in person. As for LGBT support groups and stuff well I'm not out at all and the truth is I actually can't ever imagine being 'out', so I think I'd be terrified doing that. Ive buried this feeling so deep that I have no idea how I'd ever be able to bring in to the surface. I look like a big balding guy and I'm an introvert. All my interests are sport related. My Uni has counselling and when I went initially two years ago I just managed to blurt out that I'm generally really unhappy. The therapist said I think you are a typical macho guy who doesn't like to talk about his feelings. Couldn't be less true but that is how the world judges me because of how I look and sound and the interests I've had. I feel so ridiculously uncomfortable in my own skin.

But I'm just holding on to the fact that talking to someone regularly about this might help. I've got to say I can't see how. But I'm hoping they know something I don't.

Hey there.

All I can say is keep at your school work because for many of us, trans or not, education seems to be the only way out.

And if you need someone to talk to, feel free to PM me anytime and I'll try to get back to you as soon as I can. But I am also a student and I get busy, but rest assured it's not because I'm ignoring you.

[orangejuice]

Hey King Pheonix, thanks I appreciate it. I'm not going to lie I find it really difficult. I can put in a lot of hard work then it only takes a few days or even a few hours of giving in to the hopelessness and I've messed things up. I do look at other people who struggle with the difficulty of being trans just as much but then seem able to go out and achieve stuff at the same time. That makes me feel bad like it's really just because I suck as a person and have no drive and not because I have this problem. It just feels like I'm stuck with this situation and I'm never going to be happy, so what's the point of working hard, so I wake up tomorrow unhappy? What's the point of getting a degree? So I can get a job and be unhappy? I more or less just try for my family now. I don't actually care about anything myself. But ye if I was approaching things logically I'd sort myself out in terms of having a financially secure future and actually taking part in life, which I don't feel I've ever really done, first. Then I'd be able to isolate the problem and really understand what is making me unhappy. But it's this self perpetuating thing where I can't do that because the problem itself always gets in the way. It's possible it causes ALL my insecurities in life and yet it's also possible that it's just a part of it. But I'm trapped in this hole where I can never find out.

Sorry to just rant on about myself. It feels really self-involved and I do it ever time I come on to this site. I don't like myself for it. Basically everything about this feeling just makes me hate myself.

[Maddie]

Thanks for putting this up there, orangejuice.  Hope you can hang on struggling and keep it together!!!

Reading your post reminds me that I've had a difficult time reaching goals or achieving anything.  In fact, I've come to realization that none of the things I strive for in life mean as much to me as the fact that I'm not female and wish I was.  A constant, mostly-involuntary inner mantra...

Almost like I'm spiritually blocked from success, truth, or love in this life.  As if magnetically opposed.  Like everything I try to do is futile, unless I could somehow find a hidden door come through this all differently...?

Good luck hon

[Tristyn]

Hey King Pheonix, thanks I appreciate it. I'm not going to lie I find it really difficult. I can put in a lot of hard work then it only takes a few days or even a few hours of giving in to the hopelessness and I've messed things up. I do look at other people who struggle with the difficulty of being trans just as much but then seem able to go out and achieve stuff at the same time. That makes me feel bad like it's really just because I suck as a person and have no drive and not because I have this problem. It just feels like I'm stuck with this situation and I'm never going to be happy, so what's the point of working hard, so I wake up tomorrow unhappy? What's the point of getting a degree? So I can get a job and be unhappy? I more or less just try for my family now. I don't actually care about anything myself. But ye if I was approaching things logically I'd sort myself out in terms of having a financially secure future and actually taking part in life, which I don't feel I've ever really done, first. Then I'd be able to isolate the problem and really understand what is making me unhappy. But it's this self perpetuating thing where I can't do that because the problem itself always gets in the way. It's possible it causes ALL my insecurities in life and yet it's also possible that it's just a part of it. But I'm trapped in this hole where I can never find out.

Sorry to just rant on about myself. It feels really self-involved and I do it ever time I come on to this site. I don't like myself for it. Basically everything about this feeling just makes me hate myself.

I don't know about you, but I would much rather be unhappy while living on my own than with my parents. That's one big reason I think for many things education is the only way out. I should have been more specific. It might not help you escape the reality of us being trans but it sure can help with alot of other pressing matters.

Independence can open the door to a lot of things for you that otherwise would not exist. I'm not sure what kind of parents you have, whether they are supportive or damning of your trans identity, but if they are anything like my father, you would be thankful to get an education also and make a better life for yourself instead of letting life beat you up like a punching bag.

I know I'm one to talk though because I get in my moods where it seems like the world is about to end after being misgendered for the millionth time. But we have to get back up and move forward. I have to be honest though, I don't know why we are here. I don't know our ultimate purpose in this universe. But as a human being you and I have the power to generate our own personalized meaning in life. My meaning in life is to take care of my mom, transition to male and feel peace and utter fulfillment. Stop living completely for others and start living for you! So, orangejuice, when will you find your meaning in life so you can start living?