Looking Forward To The Day I Die

[Tristyn]

So I just returned from the hospital after staying overnight from surgery. I was misgendered so much, people assumed the reason why I looked like I was among the dead was because I wanted to go home very badly from the excruciating pain of seroma fluid removal when in truth it's because no one around me in my personal life understands what is wrong with me on the inside.

I saw a news story yesterday about a black mentally ill woman killing her older caregiving sister. They think it could have been avoided if the family wasn't so ignorant and kept "sweeping those type of problems under the rug" as one family member put it. And that's exactly what mine is doing. They can believe anything is wrong with me but being trans. Why? I have no motivation to live. I don't even care about hormones anymore. I want this to end now. I wish I would go to sleep and never wake up or at least get into an accident so these tumors on my chest can get chopped off. I hate them! There is nothing to look forward to. No reason for me to keep going. Except fear of the unknown.

[Cindy]

Phoenix, there is always a reason to live, even if it is just to educate the silly bastards who insult you that you are an incredible human being and a lovely man.

You enrich my life by my knowing you and that alone is a reason to keep going, at least I hope so.

[jayne01]

Hey King Phoenix,
I'm sorry your feeling down. It must be very difficult for you being treated this way. I kind of understand what you are saying when you say that "They can believe anything is wrong with me but being trans".  I get treated the same way except it is not my family treating me that way, it is me treating myself that way. The end result however is the same. You feel like crap.

If you feel unsafe in anyway please contact a lifeline in your area. I'm sure plenty of people will jump in and show support for you here as well.

I haven't come out to my family yet so I don't really know what to say that may help in that area.

Hang in there
Jayne

[Arch]

If you are having genuine suicidal feelings, then please call your doctor or therapist or a lifeline. I think you are a pretty cool guy, and I don't want anything worse to happen to you.

If you are having the kind of "I can't take this anymore" moment (or day or week or month) that I used to have on a regular basis, you will eventually feel better. You just have to HANG ON AND KEEP TRYING. Sometimes, you just need to give yourself a break and hunker down for a little while.

Yeah, I know--no freaking help at all. But it's true.

You have unique challenges that most of us don't face, but most of us have been in a similar place, emotionally speaking. We know how hard it can be, and we are all pulling for you.

[Peep]

I don't know what to say other than 'same' and that what keeps me going is that if i give up and stop pushing for this, that'll be one less trans person going through the system on their own terms, and one more reason for the system to keep abusing us

[Tristyn]

I'm fighting to stay strong you guys. I'm starting not to even care to correct anyone when they misgender me or treat me different. I stress myself out even more when I do. I kinda have to accept being called a "she," even though that's not what I want. I kinda have to accept that no one really sees me as a guy, especially when they know my legal name and gender. If I can fully come to terms with these things, then I know I can live, even if it is a miserable existence.