Confused and Questioning my Gender

[PastyPrincess]

I've been really confused lately as I've been starting to question my gender identity again, there are times when I want to be hella cute and girly but also more days have come up where I want to grow out facial hair and remain as I am as well as some days where I just want to be in the middle and not have any sort of features that stick out as more masculine or feminine, but I also want to be a girl, and a guy, and it's really confusing and I just don't know what to do

[Dena]

I don't know if you have considered gender fluid or bi gender but that sounds like what you are describing. If you haven't considered it, the three links might help you.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,202966.0.html

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,201219.0.html

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,196073.0.html

[williamspace]

There's so many possibilities! While I'm FTM, my best friend is in a similar boat. She's female bodied with a male name and dresses masculine. However, she likes being seen as a "girl" too. It's all fluid. There's no box you can fit into and I say, on "girl" days, be girly! On "guy" days, be a regular bro. But love yourself doing it!! 

[suzifrommd]

I did a thought experiment. I asked myself two questions.

1. How would I feel if I could never again act male, hang around collegially with males, see myself as a male, present as a male ever again. Answer: It would be strange, since that's the way I was raised, but I probably would get used to it.

2. How would I feel if I could never again act female, hang around collegially with females, see myself as a female, present as a female ever again. Answer: Like a piece of me had been cut off.

I knew then that I was female at the core.

[Rachel]

I know several non-binary person's. One just started T last week. They struggled for a long time until it became too much. I know a they that had GCS and uses the men's room even in safe places. A they explained to me their gender is like two moons and although they are mostly floating around one they sometimes float around the other.

[keira166]

I'm really questioning my gender too, some days I feel like I'm not going to be happy continuing to live as a guy and I wanna be that super femme girly girl, and other days I feel like just compromising and just going androgynous and mentally femme will be good enough and will net me the most happiness (this has been winning out mostly lately).
I don't know how I'm going to figure it out in the end, but for now, I'm trying to enjoy this weird awkward place.  I hope its the only time in my life like it, but I'm trying to look at like its morning fog, the night is coming to an end and soon the warm sun will be here.

[Kulena]

It's hard when you are behind the 8 ball, and a rock, and a hard place.
Some people can handle being 2 different genders and in they world they make it works for them, and are happy while some struggle with the battles with in, and it's not easy to be in between 2 world's.
You have to do, and be what makes you happy, and don't worry about what people might think or say live for who you are.
I struggled with this, and battled it tried to keep pushing my girly side down, and away deep in side continued to go through life unhappy.
Got to a point to were I had to live life for myself, and through away all the worrys I had, and the more I gave in the happer I became, and then I new who I was, and always will be.
I'm in therapy and I told her sometimes I have a doubts not often my therapist asked me what do you do when you feel this is told her I pull out my phone that has meny pictures of me hair curled make up done and in a drees and then I see how happy I am in the photos, and I've never been that happy in my life then my doubts go away my therapist smiles and says that this is normal to doubt or questions your self.
Do what makes you the happiest even if it goes against the grain you got one shot at life best to be happy, and live for who you are

[PastyPrincess]

I don't know, my dudes*, I just feel like gender is more of an abstract idea than anything I can use to describe myself, that I just don't have a way to describe it without ruining the entire purpose of the word itself, that I can't decide whether I'm a boy or a girl because the term is so foreign to me and my mind


*I use the term dude as a gender-neutral term, I will call people that regardless of whether they are male or female

[Cindy]

We live in an increasingly gender diverse society. I love my gender diverse friends no matter how they present or feel at that time. So just hang loose and be yourself!

[autumn08]

I'm not sure what you're confused about, as your initial post describes what you want very well.

To move forward, establish a hierarchy of values, act and then reassess.

If you're wondering how to communicate what you're experiencing to yourself and others, use the most precise labels you can find, but don't circumscribe yourself by those labels, as everything transforms with time.

[Dena]

The non binary world has two options. You may feel that you are both genders or you may feel that you are neither. You might come under the label Androgyne that you will find described in our Wiki .

[PastyPrincess]

What it feels like for me is that I don't want to go to the extremities of either gender, or go all the way in both directions at the same time, yet still go by female pronouns and names, but not visually express a gender.

[Dena]

You are in the non binary and pretty much center between CIS and transexual. There isn't and exact label to describe what you but there is nothing wrong with not having a label. You are best to go with what you feel. Dress in a gender neutral fashion, go with a neutral or feminine sounding name or any changes that you feel comfortable with.

Non binary isn't black and white but instead many different shades of color. You make non binary be what you want it to be. No matter if you are CIS, Transsexual or Non Binary, the goal is to discover what make you happy and live the life.