Low expectations of Life

[Wild Flower]

I am not in a suicidal mood, but I been thinking... I kind of force myself to live on a daily basis. I have nothing to live for. I have nobody to love. I have a job I tolerate at best. I eat, sleep, work... And food is the only thing that keeps me here at times.. That or music. I dont die because of sheer apathy at thia point, adaptiveness or acceptance that life sucks. Theres no pot of gold.  But I go on. No on hope but rather just... Living.

Does anyone live in this low expectation state?

[stephaniec]

I'm kind of lucky to still be alive. 40 years ago I had a mission in life and 40 years later I have nothing except a desire to live as a woman to the best of my ability. All my dreams seem to have been a drug fantasy. I was an LSD addict and believed I had a mission to accomplished and I think that mission has turned out to be a psychotic fantasy. I have absolutely nothing to show for my life . No wife or partner, no children , no property  no money. All I have are the dresses I've bought in the last two years.  All I have is life. I'm in the process of trying to justify my life in any way possible. My computer and my dresses are all I have. At one time 40 years ago I fantasized of some sort of glory or achievement , but my reality has turned out to existing from one second to the next with nothing other than what on do on the internet. I lost my job 2 years ago . A job I mistook at the time for a meaningful career that turned out to be a dead end joke. I'm perpetually alone from one second to the next.  I live an absurdity of an existence just waiting for death either by my hand or by God's. The absolute only reason I'm alive at this moment is to see my self  as a woman. That's my only reality that's left in the time I have by whatever means that brings me to the end. It can be pretty depressing when you realized your life is meaningless. I remember when I was 19  I read a book  by an existential philosopher Jean Paul Sartre and in the book there was  a sentence about  life being like the form that floats on the surface of the sea. It exists and that's the only thing it does is to exist. I've always thought of that sentence. I believe the book was Being and Nothingness. That's exactly how I view my life as that foam that floats on top of a body of water.

[Wild Flower]

I believe thats a very true analysis of life being foam. I honestly have much little faith in an after life, so I figure death will eventually come so might as well go on the ride. I take higher risks (not to my health) and what not because of that. I like your perspective on life.

Kind of reminds me of the trans-species Little Mermaid, she commited suicide and would turn into sea form. The prince end up marrying another girl.

[stephaniec]

Like the famous words of Nicholas Cage in the role of an astronomy professor in the movie "Knowing " when one of his students asked how he felt about a question he posed to the class about fate and determinism.  He replied  " (....) happens"

[liz]

In facts, when thinking about it, a parter, children, a house or whatever are only few "goals" set by our societies. Everyone life is meaningless after all, unless they decide to make it count.

I've been on this step too, there is nothing we can do against execpt living and making this moment as fun and crazy it can possibly be.

Before transition i was doing lot of stupids things to change my mind, now i started back but only because it's funny and make me feel like my life is meaningful.

[Laura_7]

Look life was not meant to be this way.
And you probably have given others hope in their lifes so there are some achievements.

What I have written here about the e conomy is true.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,204832.msg1831921.html#msg1831921

Just hold on ..
one more day ...
then another one ...

look for things that you feel fulfill you, and intuitively give you a feeling its a way things get better...


*hugs*

[KyleeKrow]

Not true. You have yourself to love. Although when I find myself getting lonely or bored I find that finding a group activity helps. I go to a bunch of art groups and have made friends through that, even if I only see most of them just in the groups themselves.

[ToniB]

I remember when I was Younger being absolutely certain my life would end unhappily before I was 40 .I do not really know how I got through life to reach 60 but MY LIFE BEGAN AT 60 when I started my transition now I have colour instead of GREY ,now I am the person I always should have been when I look in the mirror .But I cannot look at that time as wasted I somehow managed to father My two wonderful Daughters met and Married my wonderful Rock of a wife during that time of nothingness . But it all was leading up to having the wonderful life I now have as the true ME

Toni 

[Elanore joey]

i often feel the same the only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I'm in love with my work its everything to me (btw I'm a science student and training to be a college lecturer). i feel lonely when iv finished my work e.g. iv been off for 2 days now and I'm hating it and iv got another 15 days to go like what am i going to do well i will struggle to get out of bed because i have no reason to get up.

id love to start a relationship but i have no idea how to.

you've got to find at least one thing that means something to you.

[JoanneB]

I am not in a suicidal mood, but I been thinking... I kind of force myself to live on a daily basis. I have nothing to live for. I have nobody to love. I have a job I tolerate at best. I eat, sleep, work... And food is the only thing that keeps me here at times.. That or music. I dont die because of sheer apathy at thia point, adaptiveness or acceptance that life sucks. Theres no pot of gold.  But I go on. No on hope but rather just... Living.

Does anyone live in this low expectation state?

"Life Sucks and Then You Die" - that's been my motto as well as the world I grew up in. Off the boat to first generation predominately middle to eastern European blue collar workers.

I spent about all my life Doing What Was Expected, Going through the motions. People telling me me how wonderfull I am and me thinking "Huh???  Just doing what I got to. And not well enough I think".

OK being trans and just plain not liking being me to begin with likely influenced that. After deciding to take on the Trans-Beast for real, things began looking up

[BlonT]

Wonder if the empty feeling is not because we have it to good and easy,in the way of food and shelter.Not many are dyeing of hunger.i am alone because i do not trust other humans, seeing to much betrayal and hate the made op society with there fake rules and beauty ideal.
Suicide is  something i will do, if the time come i can not take care of myself any more or to much pain.I never understand why you want to kill yourself because  "somebody" say your ugly or can  buy something.or the worst reason because the feel abandoned,go find a group and cry your hart out. Just my grumpy 2ct. 

[Aurorasky]

Wildflower, I have read most of your posts while I was on here long ago

You are unhappy. That's obvious. The solution is within you. You have to stop living for other people, for you mother, your family, your colleagues. You obsess over what everyone thinks of you. But in the end, only a few will matter and you have tio live for YOURSELF and only the opinion of these people matters to you.

You don't deserve to be in perpetual pain. Which you have been for long. CHANGE is the answer for your problems. You need to change something, whether it's dressing more feminine, or more masculine, or go to dancing classes, take piano, or guitar, go swimming, I don't care what, SOMETHING! Join a reading club. Something you really enjoy and connect with other people and start your new life from here. I'm not even talking about transition here. An inner change must happen for you before take steps in that direction. The message I want you to get is that you have to do something FOR YOURSELF. When you do, your life will take in the right direction.

[Galyo]

I am not in a suicidal mood, but I been thinking... I kind of force myself to live on a daily basis. I have nothing to live for. I have nobody to love. I have a job I tolerate at best. I eat, sleep, work... And food is the only thing that keeps me here at times.. That or music. I dont die because of sheer apathy at thia point, adaptiveness or acceptance that life sucks. Theres no pot of gold.  But I go on. No on hope but rather just... Living.

Does anyone live in this low expectation state?

I know exactly how you feel. I live in a very similar state at the moment. It feels like I don't have the energy to do anything, and that if I would decide to do something, it would be a waste of time anyway.

I've had this thought for years that it seems like it's all downhill and I'm going to die soon regardless, either because of sheer carelessness or suicide. I hate the fact that I'm thinking like this, and I want to crawl out of this spiral of negativity.

Since last week I've been assigned a new 'therapist', who will talk to me on a weekly basis about my life as a transwoman. I do really appreciate the help, though it's hard to be optimistic about anything these days.

[Hunchdebunch]

I often feel like I'm just 'going through the motions' in life. I have a bit of a weird situation (weird as in it feels weird, not as in others don't have this situation), where when I was in my teens (around 15 onwards maybe) I literally didn't see myself reaching 20. I didn't have any real plans, because I just simply couldn't imagine still being here. I know that's an awful thing to think, but it just was how I felt then. Now, I'm 23. I don't know what I'm doing with my life and have no real sense of purpose, because I didn't plan to get this far, I didn't expect to make it this far. It can be daunting, but at the same time sometimes reminding myself that, despite everything, I'm still here is very empowering to me.