I have come to this bored in need of some help and some guidance due to my current situation, which is rediscovering who I am and how I should proceed with things. Before I go into more detail about what i am dealing with, allow me to paint a better picture of the situation. Back when I was l around 4 years old, I had these strong feelings that i was meant to be female rather then male, these feelings and such can be traced back to my time in South Korea from which i was very little so these where not really anything new. I wanted to bring this up to my father because i felt he could help me with him being older and all. So I sat down and told my father that I think I was meant to be a girl and shortly after i said this to him, he exploded. He yelled at me and went off saying how no one well like me, that people well look at me harshly and then went on to insult me by asking me if i wanted to do girly things with this nasty look on his face. From that point i just told him to forget about what i said and ran off to my room, beyond hurt about has been said to me and shaken by fear, to the point where i just blocked it all off. I took on this false identity and used what i saw, read, and observed to boost this false identity that i created and it worked, I was really young at the time so no one really noticed anything. Meanwhile, I just hid in my mind, relaying on different levels of coping to get by which where mostly coping methods to remove myself from reality, and sticking to the false identity that I created. Know skipping ahead to 2013 and a sorta heads up, but this is where things get awfully strange, I woke up one day with this strong, nagging feeling in my mind, a voice almost, that was telling me that I am a girl or that I was meant to be female. It was not going away at all and by mid afternoon at around 5, I gave up and said fine, I will look into this, and shortly after saying these words it died down and soon faded away. Since then I have been doing some digging, try to loosen up my barriers and try to find answers as to who I really am, this had led me to rediscover why I faded away and even led me to come up for a name for myself, Meadow. There have been things that happened and feelings that point me to being Transsexual and if needed I will state them, but I am struggling at the moment to relight that fire, I do not know how to be myself and I do not even know where to start. I am at the point where if I have to tell my mother I will, but if I where to transition, I want to be ready, I want to at least have a foundation prepped for me to grown on, a good idea of who I am. My biggest issue is that I am nervous, more importantly I am afraid, I keep falling on that false identity the minute I try to make any sorta progress into building that foundation I need right know.
So here is my question to you people, how do get who I am back, what can I do to be who I am, and what are some ways that I can relight the fire that has almost been put out?
