I wish I was 'balanced on the edge of a knife' ... I'm tired of these pills

[Richenda]

Does anyone else get moments like I now have?

I feel a lot of the time that I'm playing a dangerous game, not one that's balanced on the edge of a knife but dancing on pills? I wish I were on the edge of a knife. I wish I could afford the treatment and that some of my family and wider society wouldn't judge me if I do go ahead with it.

Instead, I'm fighting a constant battle forcing my physical body to catch up with the rest of me: dancing with death every time I pop those meds. Oh, sure I'm now being seen by professionals not just self-medicating, but that doesn't guarantee safety. Actually these things are bloody dangerous. They're toxic.

Sorry to vent. I have occasional moments when I just wish I were going under the knife instead.

Does anyone identify with this?! xx

[Ms Grace]

Where are you in terms of your transition? I gather you're on HRT, how long? I take it you haven't gone full time?

[Richenda]

Hiya Ms Grace,

Well I take full-time meds if that's what you mean? I now live in Thailand where I dress as a female. My oestrogen is into pre-menopausal female range and my T has disappeared.

But for NHS UK purposes I have another two visits to the GIC to make.

I haven't had any surgery. I just get weary of taking these things which, I think I know, aren't all that good for me

xx

[AnonyMs]

I sometimes feel balanced on the edge. I'm trying not to transition, and it doesn't feel very stable where I am. I can only wait and see what happens, I've given up predicting it.

I disagree about HRT being dangerous. I think its quite safe if you have a competant doctor, and certainly a lot safe than being trans and not taking HRT. My health has improved quite dramatically since starting HRT.

If you don't like taking meds then you could try implants, as you can forget you're taking them for most of the time.

If you're living in Thailand I don't understand why you're concerned about the UK GIC. Can't you can just ignore all that and do whatever you want?

If by judging you for treatment you mean SRS, you don't have to tell anyone. I wouldn't.

[Richenda]

Very good point about the dangers of not taking them.

However, all meds are toxic to some degree or other and I'm afraid I do think HRT in all forms is potentially dangerous, regardless of whether you're under a physician. It's altering the physical composition of the body with drugs. All we can do is try to minimise the risks by being properly monitored.

I like your implant point too. The problem relates to the lack of endocrinologists out here. For all the apparent wonders of Thailand's ts world there are very few endocrinologists. And, of course, one has to pay. In theory in the UK if I'm accepted I won't have to pay for any of it, including GRS.

On the other hand there's lots to be said for the Thailand-it-is point. If I can find someone to take me under her or his wing out here I'll be happier

[AnonyMs]

HRT its only potentially dangerous. That's not the same as being actually dangerous, and if you have a decent doctor it never will be.

I don't believe estrogen is toxic, it is after all natural to the human body. It would be like saying water is toxic, and can kill you. Which is true from certain point of view, but not very helpful. Women do live longer than men, so perhaps you'll even get that benefit.

Anti-androgens I'm not so sure about, but surgery can fix that.

There are doctors in Thailand for HRT. I've looked into it before when I was thinking of working around the Australian system. I don't recall the details though since I never needed to. There are people on these forums who know who some of them are. I posted something in your other thread. If you get really stuck perhaps I can look again.

For GRS I'd go to Suporn myself, but I can understand the advantage of free with the NHS. Have you checked PAI, or is that out of reach? You're free to do whatever you want there, if you have the money.

[Richenda]

Let's agree to disagree about HRT  Oestrogen, at least in these quantities, isn't naturally occurring for males. We're fighting against our physical bodies. Tbh though, the thread was a bit of a cry from the heart not a desire to have someone arguing with me. Perhaps less about the intricacies, more about the emotion of it, if that makes sense.

Yeah the doctor on the other thread isn't Bangkok based. 'Tis a strange thing out here: one of the best places in the world for GRS and really not great for endocrinology, mainly because it's not really studied out here: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3124999/

Having said that, the top hospitals do have specialists if you're able to pay plenty of $$$.

Peace x

[AnonyMs]

Yeah sorry about. I'm not very good on the emotional stuff, good at solving problems though. Typical male behavior unfortunately.

[Richenda]

Haha that's made me chuckle 

I'm just a bit wobbly right now.

Peace and love x

[SofiN]

You make some good points and honestly I kinda get how you feel.

I'm doing something pretty dangerous because I'm stuck waiting for the NHS as well. I've passed the 6 month marker in waiting so far for referral to CHX, but that is still at least another year before getting officially sanctioned HRT.

In the meantime I have been going the DIY route, and I very much understand how risky this is. I don't have a choice and on some days there is that worry I could be seriously harming my body.

It is better than the alternative of doing nothing and possibly committing suicide.

Goodluck with your journey Richenda. I know things seem quite dangerous at times, but the HRT is really for our own good.

[Richenda]

That's such a lovely message SofiN and has really helped me today.

I'm in a similar position, I think. I'm in the UK NHS system with 1.5 GIC appointments (the first one was a prelim) and a full set of tests through my GP which the GIC people looked at. They actually agreed to discuss my self-medication which they can sometimes refuse to do and they did give me some advice about it. What they didn't do is prescribe the treatment they would prefer if they approve me after visit #3, which would include GnRH rather than for instance dutasteride.

I feel sometimes that I'm playing a dangerous game, mainly when I have wobbly days. It's just helpful to know I'm not alone. Not that for a second I'm recommending self-med to anyone else.

[stephaniec]

honestly , I've done far worse in my life and estrogen is a major improvement