Going downhill. Like usual

[Holly31]

Most of the time I hate being me. I have willingly transformed myself through a doctor of course into this 30 something half man half woman that walks through life not knowing every morning I wake up who I am. I tell my wife everyday I hurt inside. Of course she doesn't understand..She knows what I am, and she knows what I want in life. Everyday I hear her say...I don't want you to leave me. Those words rip through me like broken glass. Tonight I was watching her put on makeup and get dressed to go to a meeting. I sat on her bed watching her every move. I started to cry. I felt empty inside. I wanted to be there putting on the makeup and getting dressed to go out. It's like this every morning, noon, and night. I am really starting to resent woman because I can't be a woman. Every morning I get up and go to work as a man. Everyday I have to listen to men jab at me because my hair is to long, or because I can't grow facial hair, or I act like a woman. All of this is really starting to get to me! So here I am sitting at the computer making circles with my mouse waiting for my wife to get home and crying. I guess I have vented enough tonight. And I just want to tell all of you wonderful people that this forum is the best thing to one on one therapy. I read it almost every day, and all of you weather you know it or not have helped me along little by little, and I thank you all for that.

[Lori]

I cannot speak for anybody here but I will say I know exactly how you feel. At 39, I've been like this since I was six. Every year got worse and high school was a total drag when all the girls were starting to wear makeup. The difference between us is you pass quite well in your pic. I got tired of crying and throwing a fit and decided to do something. I couldnt take it anymore. Every year it got worse and worse. I know one day I would have just lost it and made some huge mistakes. Male on friday and Lori on Monday ........I'm just trying to take things slow and easy at this point.

Sounds like you are at the point where you need to go one way or the other...only one who can decide is you.

[Holly31]

Yea I have been going slow for almost 2 and a half years since starting HRT. I am getting tired of monday.. all day... me (boy) monday night... holly (girl) and the process repeats every night. I am tired of hiding in the shadows. I want to be free. I want to be who I really am on the inside.

[Berliegh]

Yea I have been going slow for almost 2 and a half years since starting HRT. I am getting tired of monday.. all day... me (boy) monday night... holly (girl) and the process repeats every night. I am tired of hiding in the shadows. I want to be free. I want to be who I really am on the inside.

I'd find it very hard to live as two gender entities, the stress level must be quite high. I've never done it and probably couldn't do it..

[danielle_l]

Everyday I have to listen to men jab at me because my hair is to long, or because I can't grow facial hair, or I act like a woman

you are presenting something that they don't understand. They are ignorant, but its only to expected.

at some point you will have to choose which you want to be and move on with your life

[gothique11]

I'm afraid to say it, but I think the solution to your problem is to take the plunge and live as a woman. It won't be easy at first -- in fact, it will be hard. It will hurt lots and probably hurt people around you to start. You may feel your world falling apart. But ashes are the greatest fertilizer. From the ashes your new life will grow and things will get better over time, and what's most important, you won't feel empty inside anymore.

[Jaynatopia]

Yes Mondays really sucked before full time. Nothing pushed me toward full time more than the depression of having to leave the freedom of the weekend behind. I don't know your situation but perhaps you and your spouse can come up with a viable time table and plan (financial, logistical, whatever) for moving yourself toward full time?

[Holly31]

My spouse is VERY supportive of my life style. She knew before we got married who I really was (which is a funny story for later) We were talking tonight, and she told me it was her fault I cannot live my life the way I want. Because we got married. I straight up told her that no matter what I will eventually become a woman fulltime. She really didn't want to hear that, but she had to. I really think we both need to see a therapist together. My last therapist (who I really loved going to) told me that my decisions I have made for my future really will make having a healthy relationship almost impossible. Right now I am just in limbo... I guess the HRT has made my desires to become a women only stronger in my mind. I see my body changing everyday, and soon I won't be able to hold some things back with a sports bra. I know one day I WILL go fulltime! Thank you all for your comments. It is great having friends to talk to. 

[Wing Walker]

Holly, I believe that you are correct:  the both of you might benefit from seeing a gender therapist or psychologist.

You have many pieces within you that need to be sorted out between you and your wife.

Half-man and half-woman will not survive as a duality.  Either the man or the woman will win out.

This is a difficult time for you both and I suggest that you might start seeing a therapist as soon as you can so you can avoid any holiday problems, that is, if you observe the holidays.

Hope this helps.

Wing Walker

[cindybc]

Hi Holly, welcome to Susan's
I agree with Natalie

I'm afraid to say it, but I think the solution to your problem is to take the plunge and live as a woman. It won't be easy at first -- in fact, it will be hard. It will hurt lots and probably hurt people around you to start. You may feel your world falling apart. But ashes are the greatest fertilizer. From the ashes your new life will grow and things will get better over time, and what's most important, you won't feel empty inside anymore.

The only thing I can add is that the pain before going full time was way greater then anything after. I found that the adjusting of attitude and personality is much less stressful. The hormones and your intuition will help you find your way towards this goal.

Cindy

[Jaynatopia]

Well if that is your picture you are woman as far as I see. HRT in my experience too reinforced everything I had felt and only spurred me forward as well. You probably already often get taken as female even when presenting 'male' ?

I guess the HRT has made my desires to become a women only stronger in my mind. I see my body changing everyday, and soon I won't be able to hold some things back with a sports bra. I know one day I WILL go fulltime! Thank you all for your comments. It is great having friends to talk to. 

[Ember Lewis]

As yourself are you living life, my answer before HRT and F/T was no. I had two options to be the girl I know I am or to have a very short life. And it's always hard for others to deal with transition for awhile but they will get use to it, all my friends did, so I wouldn't count your marriage out yet. I know what your going through it's so painful, I too never felt very lonely, like I was kicked out of the girls club because I looked like a boy. All I can recommend is just to do it, you may need to find a new job and go there on the first day as a woman to not get wired looks. It's hard, but for me it was not harder than not living life and being depressed all the time.