Well this sucks.. Alternatives?

[linkthetwink]

I've been on T for about two months, and I have to say, I like my little bit of facial hair and how my voice is dropping a bit and just feeling overall more "masculine" but for me, testosterone is bringing out a bit too much stereotypical masculinity. I'm becoming very very aggressive, I have intense mood swings, and I snap incredibly fast. I'm on the minimal dose and I'm acting like some roid raging idiot. It's messing up my relationship. It's messing up my sex life. I hate the person I've become. But I need to do something about my dysphoria. I hate looking in the mirror and not seeing facial hair. I hate my high voice. I hate looking at other guys my age and feeling like a prepubescent 12 year old. I can't do this anymore. I can't take these damn shots or I'll go insane and drive everyone away. Is there some sort of alternative to transition without taking the shots? I know about natural transition and all that but to me it doesn't seem all that legit... What do I do? I feel like my life is falling apart..

[Dena]

There are three things I can think of that you should pursue. You need to talk to your therapist about anger management and controlling your emotions. Males who respond like you learn gradually how to adjust but the changes are happening to your far faster than in a CIS male so you don't have as much time to adjust. Next you need to talk to your Endo about adjusting the dosage or switching to another deliver method that will moderate the dosage you receive. Last you may need to talk to your Endo about the possibility of blockers. They aren't normally used with a FTM because T is very effective at shutting down E production but blockers combined with low dose T might reduce your dysphoria while you work on therapy.

[itsApril]

. . . testosterone is bringing out a bit too much stereotypical masculinity. I'm becoming very very aggressive, I have intense mood swings, and I snap incredibly fast. . . .

I think Dena has a really good point - bring this up with your therapist.  TG folks often think of therapy only insofar as it's connected with gender identity issues.  But all kinds of people go to therapy for all sorts of other reasons, which may apply to us just as much as to cis folks.

Lots of people (cis and trans alike!) talk to therapists for help in moderating anger or aggression, or for guidance in how to preserve relationships in times of stress or change.  Your therapist probably has some good advice to give you in controlling the T-fallout.

As an M to F, I can sympathize with a lot of what you are feeling.  There's a lot of stuff about masculine identity that I don't miss a bit since I left it behind.  M to F folks sometimes go through the opposite process to the one you're describing: going WAY overboard into femme mannerisms in the early phases of the transition process.  It takes a while for everything to even out and for your gender identity to find the level that's right for you.

As far as relationship/sex life is concerned, I hope you're on good enough terms with your sweetie to level with him/her, and that you can be open about what's going on and the hormonal issues that may be driving the problem.  If your partner understands what's going on, it will be a lot easier on both of you.

[Elis]

It took a while for my brain to adjust because I'd been poisoned by the estrogen for so long. After 3 months I was fine. If your on injections then I'd switch to gel if you have enough money. I've heard from many trans men that they had awful mood swings just before taking the next shot. Whereas with gel you take it daily so you get a consistent dosage of T.

[Ms Grace]

...You need to talk to your therapist about anger management and controlling your emotions. Males who respond like you learn gradually how to adjust but the changes are happening to your far faster than in a cis male so you don't have as much time to adjust. ...

Agree with this. The T is probably super charging something that was originally there, you need to learn a way to keep it under control.