Park life - dysphoria no more?

[Ms Grace]

We're one month into Autumn/Fall here in Sydney but you wouldn't know it... it was a sunny 26C/79F at noon today. Really, really nice. My work place is a few minutes walk from a large public park and on days like this I really like to head down there to eat my lunch. And to check out the park life!

This is a busy park in the hipster end of town, so not many suits or high heels... more laid back lifestyle types. I once saw a guy with a hipster beard roll by on a skateboard strumming his guitar.

And the women? By and large young, hip, fashionable, carefree, fit and gorgeous. Today there were even four of them in bikinis sunning themselves on the grass. Yup, gotta love it. And I do.

And that gets me to my point.

Go back four years and the exact same park life would have driven me nuts with conflicted emotions, envy, alienation, despair and self-loathing. "Why couldn't that be me?" "I love that dress but can't wear it." "Or those boots." "Or jacket." "I wish I looked like her, or her, or her." "I wish I had a group of gal pals like them." And so on and so forth. I'm sure you get the picture. It was pretty much the core of my dysphoria slapping me in the face everyday. Women just being women... all except me.

But now? Nope. None of that. I may not be young, hip or all that fashionable - and I certainly would never sun myself in a bikini on the grass - but I am the woman I am, and I am confident in who I am, and I love being part of the lunch time park life... especially on gorgeous days like this!

[Denise]

...
Go back four years and the exact same park life would have driven me nuts with conflicted emotions, envy, alienation, despair and self-loathing. "Why couldn't that be me?" "I love that dress but can't wear it." "Or those boots." "Or jacket." "I wish I looked like her, or her, or her." "I wish I had a group of gal pals like them." And so on and so forth. I'm sure you get the picture. It was pretty much the core of my dysphoria slapping me in the face everyday. Women just being women... all except me.
...

Ms Grace - I totally understand this.  I'm exactly the same.  But I'm about two years behind you on transitioning.  Today when I "go to the park" (weather here is just starting to get nice - Chicago) I would feel exactly the same way.  It was agony.  Now I'm taking mental notes on fashion (what to wear as much as OMG, no way!), hair style and make-up.

Can't wait until I can stroll through the local park in a skirt/dress.

Thanks for the preview of future me.

[DanielleA]

I had a cool rainy day up in Northern Rivers NSW today and it was also lovely. Perfect for snuggling in and watching a movie. I know that tomorrow the grass is going to be lush and green.

[stephaniec]

crocodiles , kangaroos , platypuses OH my!

[Tysilio]

Thanks for sharing this, Grace. It's so important to notice moments like this and realize how far we've come; and to remind those who aren't so far along their own paths that this kind of progress is possible.

[Lynne]

I totally get what you are saying Grace. I'm only partly there as I'm still not out at work and I experience both of the feelings you describe.
It's spring here, weather getting warmer, women clothing styles are the most varied this time of year as every woman has a different idea of what's best for this intermediate weather.
I'm miserable at work when I see my female co-workers wearing anything they wish all day and just being themselves. The other day I had to hold back the tears while giving a system status report to my boss, great way to start the day. The worst part is that I know I could match their looks now but I just cannot show up at work like that yet.
When I'm out outside of work not pretending to be a guy these feelings of envy and self-loathing are reduced to the "normal woman level" and I'm feeling a lot more confident and I think people react to that a lot better.
I hope I can reach a level of consistency with my trained voice which allows me to get by at work so I can concentrate on work and not on my trans issues.

[Maddie]

Go back four years and the exact same park life would have driven me nuts with conflicted emotions, envy, alienation, despair and self-loathing. "Why couldn't that be me?" "I love that dress but can't wear it." "Or those boots." "Or jacket." "I wish I looked like her, or her, or her." "I wish I had a group of gal pals like them." And so on and so forth. I'm sure you get the picture. It was pretty much the core of my dysphoria slapping me in the face everyday. Women just being women... all except me.

But now? Nope. None of that. I may not be young, hip or all that fashionable - and I certainly would never sun myself in a bikini on the grass - but I am the woman I am, and I am confident in who I am, and I love being part of the lunch time park life... especially on gorgeous days like this!

I SO relate to those conflicted (dysphoric) feelings!

Being able to BE...a part of life...as opposed to feeling so outcast and unfitting...  Even though I also may not be young, hip, or fashionable, feel like I have no business in a bikini (and I'll throw in "cosmetically-challenged" for myself), the way you describe loving being a part of this life, is something I can almost taste!

Definitely want more of this...but might have to wait until the park near me dries up from the cold, flooded, mud-pile state it is in today...unless...
Anyone up for mud wrestling?

[Ms Grace]

This makes me wonder if the feeling of "being on the outside looking in" is a common experience for trans people, especially prior to transition.

[stephaniec]

yes

[AnonyMs]

This makes me wonder if the feeling of "being on the outside looking in" is a common experience for trans people, especially prior to transition.

That's my entire life, not just the trans part of it. It's hard to know of course, but I'd guess there's other reasons for it than being trans. Or additional ones anyway. I don't relate well to most people.

[Cindy]

Interesting comments.

Until recently I drove to work, parked and walked to my office having little interaction with people beyond those I know. A few weeks back our car park arrangements changed and we have an off site park and dedicated buses to take us to the hospital. I catch the 7 am bus and it is mainly the same group of women catching the bus (why is it women who start work early?). We did not know each other but started talking, children, weather, partners, television, what we are doing etc etc.

None of these women know I am TG, I'm just another women going to work. I'm just one of them. Nothing special, nothing to hide and no different to them. I've found that quite an interesting experience.

I've realised that I am now immersed in female society; I'm not looking in, I am in. It took a bit of a brain shake to realise it.

Oh and why do you get nice weather when I'm not in Sydney!! Some sort of NSW plot?

[Hikari]

This has been my expierences for some time now, the only times I am particularly dysphoric are related to bottom bits that while troubling aren't really a focus of my life. Just being a normal woman working a normal job going about my life is pretty fantastic though I do admit as time goes on I take it more for granted. Now I spend time worrying about how I am going to cover the cost of the big surgery or how I can spend more time talking with my girlfriend and those are far more pleasant problems than the terrible dysphoria I used to have as part of my daily condition.

[AnonyMs]

I've realised that I am now immersed in female society; I'm not looking in, I am in. It took a bit of a brain shake to realise it.

I'm not really part of any society, not male, not female, not anything. I barely interact with people in real life anymore; I don't need to and I don't much care. I don't know many people I have much in common with, and others don't hold much interest to me.

Realizing I'm trans and the changes I've made to my life in recent years because of it have strongly reinforced this, but its always been there to some extent. Even ignoring the trans bit I still have a fairly unusual life.

Its sounds like I'm depressed only I'm fairly sure I'm not. I find the whole thing quite odd really.

[Ms Grace]

Its sounds like I'm depressed only I'm fairly sure I'm not. I find the whole thing quite odd really.

You may not be depressed... however, and I don't mean to psychoanalysis you, it does seem like you are socially alienated. If you're happy with that or with where you are socially, awesome - but I get a sense that possibly you're not?? Sorry if I'm way out of line with that.

[AnonyMs]

I don't mind, I wouldn't have posted it if I did.

I've not come across that term "social alienation" before, and from what wikipedia says it does seem to describe me. I'll have to look into it. Thanks.

For wherever reason it doesn't bother me. I've had depression, and its very far from that. I have been far more social on a few relatively brief periods in my life, and enjoyed it, but it doesn't seem my natural state. Perhaps if came out more or socially transitioned it would all be different, but I suspect if that did happen it would only last a few years. There's no way of knowing I guess without trying it, and that's probably not happening anytime soon.

Perhaps its why I'm posting here? A bit of social interaction. There's some people here I find very interesting. I'm rarely looking for information, I'm well past that bit.

It sounds like my looking in from outside is rather wider in scope than others. It interesting the similarity though.

[amoeba]

I'm a lot like that AnonyMs. I have zero friends [no exaggeration, literally zero]. This is mostly by choice, partly by circumstance. I had a large group of friends at uni back home, but gradually lost touch with them over subsequent years. I made no lasting friendships in uni here in Australia, and then purposely isolated myself over many years into my current state. Dropped a lot of acquaintances along the way, and never let anyone closer than 2 arms length. I make a concious effort to not socialize with work colleagues if I can get away with it. I have some close family that I see regularly, but no one aside from that.

I did this to make a social transition easier if and when I decided to do it, and also just to keep myself cocooned, safely away from uncomfortable questions. In the long term, I don't know whether this was a good idea or not. On the one hand, I think it's sort of worked the way I had intended. On the other hand, it gets pretty damn lonely not having friends, not to mention a partner. I don't think humans evolved to live the way I'm currently living. I'm really hoping that transitioning socially is going to get me out of my shell and perhaps be a little more "normal", but I'm also taking it very slow.

I just want to say, I'm glad you're on these forums. I enjoy reading your posts and your perspective. At the moment, you're just text on my screen, but behind those words is a living, breathing, unique person. Perhaps some day we might get to see and know this person. Of course, I'd never push someone into doing something they're not comfortable with or ready for, so absolutely no pressure. But know that people are here for when you're ready. /hugs

Going back and reading what I've just typed, I can't even tell what I was trying to say. I started out with an idea, but I think it slipped through my fingers somewhere along the way. It's kind of rambly and not really saying anything concrete. Regardless, I'm still going to post it.

PS: Sorry to hijack your thread Grace, that sounds like a lovely lunch at the park. I'm still firmly in the "conflicted emotions, envy, alienation, despair and self-loathing" phase myself ...

[AnonyMs]

Hi amoeba, thanks for posting that.

It sounds like we have quite a few similarities, but a few differences as well. I've not isolated myself on purpose, but I've put no effort into making friends either. Friends just drop away over the years when you do that. I do see some advantages, but realistically that's probably a very bad way of thinking. So many people say its their friends that help them though it. I just can't feel that way though.

I have family and they satisfy virtually all my needs for social interaction. I'd probably be very lonely otherwise, but with them I'm not at all. I have a couple of friends, if you can call people you meet a few times a year friends - I do, but I'm not sure what counts for others.

Apart from family I don't meet actual real people very often. I guess its been a week or so since I last spoke to someone in person, although truth be told I've no idea when it last was. I do get out sometimes.

I do a fair bit of communication via internet including talking to one or two people.

I'm beginning to feel a need to get out and socialize a bit. Not sure where's that's going, since I'm quite paranoid about protecting myself. I'd quite like to meet some of the people on the site, and I did meet one recently (that was great), but not really ready yet.

On the other hand, it gets pretty damn lonely not having friends, not to mention a partner. I don't think humans evolved to live the way I'm currently living. I'm really hoping that transitioning socially is going to get me out of my shell and perhaps be a little more "normal", but I'm also taking it very slow.

I agree with you on that. I'm ok with that I'm doing, but it's not exactly fulfilling. These days I measure things by how bad I've felt before, so everything's kind of wonderful compared to that. Logically I'm probably missing out on something, but since I'm not actually feeling bad its kind of hard to be motivated to do anything about it.

I've reasons with living my life this way, but I don't think its a good idea or applicable to many others. If you can do something else I would. I think you'd be better off.