Afraid of Not Transitioning

[Davina Storm]

Hi Ladies,

I am about to start transitioning for the second time in my life. The first time was a few years ago. I got to a letter from the therapist. But never collected it.

i was unhappily married with 2 young children. I thought i could beat my Dysphoria. But as most of you will know you cant defeat it.

This time my Dysphoria came back with avengance. I realised once again that i need to transition and live my life as a full time woman. For the first time in my life i started to suffer from depression. I was angry and moody with friends and family for no reason. I put on a lot of weight. I have always been a healthy person. I started to suffer from insomnia. I couldnt understand why my business was starting to do well, but i was suffering personally more than ever. It was my Dysphoria and desire to transition that was doing this to me.

I have now realised that if i dont transition i am not going to be around to long. But at the same time i was afraid of transitioning for the previous reasons.

This time its different though, because i have realised that the consequences of not transitioning will be far worse than if i do. But equally i cant let this drag on as i might get cold feet again, so i am going to an Endo in 2 weeks time for HRT by Informed Consent. I have made hair removal appointments, voice feminization appointments. I am moving ahead and that is making me positive again.

The other day i went out and bought makeup, false nails etc. I didnt care what people thought. I actually felt good about it. I am still in the closet and know one knows about this. I have decided to start HRT first then come out in 6 months. This may sound bad, but i dont want any negativity now that may dissuade me just as i am starting to realise that i am really going to transition this time.

love
Davina

[Ms Grace]

Well as someone who tried to transition (on HRT for two years) but didn't (20 years denial) I know what you mean. Once the dysphoria could no longer be ignored and I decided to transition for good then nothing could hold me back. Go for it!

[Jacqueline]

Davina,

I am not too far ahead of where you are. Taking it very slow, with a wife and three teenage daughters. Out to my wife and a few others but fairly closeted from there.

It took me many years to get to a therapist  and then to accept what I am. It is a tough road for all involved. I am glad to hear you are positive about this. I don't have all the answers but don't be afraid to ask questions.

Susan's is a positive site with support and many people with a lot of knowledge.

I am sharing some links that are helpful. They have welcoming information and the rules of the site. If you have not had a chance to look them over, please do so:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Welcome to Susan's. Look around, ask questions, join in the serious and not so serious.

With warmth,

Joanna

[melissa_h]

I think you'll find HRT does wonders for dysphoria... Like, really takes the edge off. Take your time, come out when you're ready, and I hope your journey is a positive one


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[Dena]

I was a bit different. From age 13 I knew what had to be done but it was a matter of waiting for the world to change around me. I almost didn't make it because it was one of those just in time things. The transition is something that you do in little steps or small projects. Take one small part of it and if you have problems, talk with us and most likely somebody here will have an answer to your problem. I work all over the place but I am best at the understanding yourself part of the transition. Feel free to ask me questions any time you want. You may post to this thread where I will see it or at 15 posts, PMs will work.

[Ⓥ]

I have decided to start HRT first then come out in 6 months. This may sound bad, but i dont want any negativity now that may dissuade me just as i am starting to realise that i am really going to transition this time.

No, this doesn't sound bad at all.  You'll find that both your plans and/or timelines can change after starting HRT though, so... yes it's good to have a plan, no doubt, but also plan to have no plan at all ^_^

May thy days be brighter~

[kaitylynn]

As there is no prescribed plan for transition, there can be no wrong way to proceed with it   This is a very individual journey, the how you choose.  I started transitioning medically and socially in the mid 90's and stopped after a while to focus on raising my kids.  I felt like a loser for a while until several of my peers made the point clear that it was ok.  It was not out of fear or negatives, but out of love for my kids.  That changed my point of view.

No matter what path you are on, the speed or course on that path is yours to make and it is correct for you because it is yours!

And if I could add any pearl of wisdom at all, be comfortable knowing that as you progress, any plan laid now is subject to change!  Progress reveals aspects that are hard to plan for, exciting and new experiences open avenues that were not really visible before.

Enjoy!

[Emileeeee]

Been there. I tried in my 20s and wasn't strong enough to do it in the face of opposition. Just before I turned 40 I got to where you are now. It's been a little over a year and I'm full time. The difference is I'm not as concerned about what other people think as before. Also the description of the scary choice of transitioning changed to life and the description of the play it safe choice turned to death, so the benefits suddenly outweighed the risks.

[Denise]

I have decided to start HRT first then come out in 6 months.

That's a plan, similar to mine.  One thing I've learned in the last 6 months when I decided to do something about my Dysphoria -
      "Plans are of little importance, but planning is essential."
             - Winston Churchill

I would say my plans have changed a dozen times but because I was planning and could see all the pieces, rearranging them is not an issue.

Good luck and remember the Susan's community is a wonderful resource for information.

[JoanneB]

I "Experimented" with transitioning twice in my early 20's. Being ill prepared emotionally, tons of baggage, had a lot to do with stopping. Now that I am healthier.... 

[Sabrina]

It took me years to come to grips with transitioning. It was getting to the point where it was causing mental damage if I didn't transition. The less feminine I am, the more depressed I get.

[big kim]

I was going to transition in 1979 but lost my nerve and had zero confidence. I blotted out the next 10 years with weed, speed & booze. Death held no fear for me but dying an old man with a miserable unfulfilled life did. I sought treatment in 1989, grew my hair out, did electrolysis & self medicated in 1990. In 1990 I was living in role at nights and socializing on the local gay scene before going full time in 1991

[Aurorasky]

Wait...what? You say you're about to transition, but then you tell us that you're afraid of not transitioning. So this question becomes moot. However, you don't actually sound that sure, otherwise you wouldn't think of those people as being able to dissuade...if they are, then maybe you still have doubts, which you may want to work on. Being a woman and being seen as such is more than nails or makeup, and you need to know what's realistic for you and your situation in particular. Best of luck

[Tessa James]

Like many of the other respondents here I tried and failed a transition decades ago.  It certainly is possible to feel doubt and venerability at any time but I agree that your first steps out the door can really be unnerving.  We build confidence from each success and adapting to challenge is part of survival.  I trust your initial and tentative steps will become a daily waltz to your own music.

Good for you for getting back in the game.

[Gemini]

Hey Davina, I ended up in the same place you were, realizing that however bad transition might be, it really couldn't make things any worse than not transitioning. For me, it was the depression that did it. Getting to the point where I started to think that everyone would be better off without me. I've gone down that road before, but I've got kids now, and it scared me to think of where I was heading. More than transition scared me.

I know there's gonna be some challenges along the way, but I'm a week into HRT now, and it hasn't been nearly as bad as I thought. I've come out to people who are supportive of my decision, and God what relief it is not to have to hide this from them. It's like my life has been on hold all these years and I can finally start living.

As for HRT, already it's a huge improvement. I don't smell like a guy anymore! I never imagined how big of a difference that would make. Overall, I just feel a lot more comfortable in my body.

I'm so happy for you that you've decided to re-start your transition. Let us know how it goes!

[Davina Storm]

Hi to everyone that has replied to my post.

Its so good to hear your advice. But this time, things are different. I am going to transition. I have made an HRT appointment with the endo in May. I cant wait. I have appointments for hair removals, voice feminizations etc.

I am so happy to walk into a store and choose the makeup i want. i am fedup being this man that i am not. If i am outed i dont care anymore. I am angry with myself for not being braver and doing this earlier. This is all i can think about. The time has come to be Davina.

Luv you Davina.

[Ms Grace]

I am angry with myself for not being braver and doing this earlier.

Don't be too hard on yourself, we all have to do what we have to do in order to survive...if putting transition and self-acceptance off until we feel totally ready is one of those things then it is what it is.