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I'm fighting myself (hrt question)

Started by Midnightstar, April 05, 2016, 12:47:48 AM

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Midnightstar

I am not going to go too much into it because pretty much everybody who reads my post should probably already know that I've had a lot of doubts that has been interrupting my transition. Recently I started feeling like I was going straight towards the idea of testosterone and my doubts are starting to feel almost like a nuisance.
Even though I'm still struggling with doubts and frustration I know that I need to move forward I'm just worried about my decisions. I've already gotten it to the point where my next endocrinologist appointment I'm going to bring up the possibility of me getting on testosterone I don't think it'll happen then, BUT I will be getting my blood results tests on multiple things. So here I am going straight forward towards testosterone! and then i come to a huge stop sign in pure fear, i feel like I'm at a brick wall. This time it's not so much that I do or don't want to take testosterone with or without doubts I'm going to do it I have to. But I started wondering is it possible I could live my life without testosterone? And I don't know my answer to that and I'm really confused! I keep making up pro and cons list but it is not helping everything I put on the lists always ends up being a stereotype. And if it is not a stereotype I always end up in the middle ground of "maybe"
Maybe it's because the Agender side me doesn't have a clue what to do? (that idea has been brought up, and so far it seems closer to maybe the reason why i get scared)
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Dena

Testosterone is a much bigger step that estrogen is because it's far more powerful and less reversible. If you are not very sure, it might not be a step you want to take. I just spent a while trying to find the answer to something and I didn't. I know there are drugs that block estrogen just as we have drugs that block testosterone. In our case, blocking T removes a good deal of the uncomfortable feeling we have. I am not sure the estrogen blocker would do for you but it could provide a third option in the middle that would give you some of the feel of what T would do for you without doing anything that couldn't be reversed. This is something you should talk about with your Endo and then if you need to, review it with your therapist before you make a final decision.
Rebirth Date 1982 - PMs are welcome - Use [email]dena@susans.org[/email] or Discord if your unable to PM - Skype is available - My Transition
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Midnightstar

Quote from: Dena on April 05, 2016, 01:42:03 AM
Testosterone is a much bigger step that estrogen is because it's far more powerful and less reversible. If you are not very sure, it might not be a step you want to take. I just spent a while trying to find the answer to something and I didn't. I know there are drugs that block estrogen just as we have drugs that block testosterone. In our case, blocking T removes a good deal of the uncomfortable feeling we have. I am not sure the estrogen blocker would do for you but it could provide a third option in the middle that would give you some of the feel of what T would do for you without doing anything that couldn't be reversed. This is something you should talk about with your Endo and then if you need to, review it with your therapist before you make a final decision.

Yeah I'm definitely starting to lean in the middle right now I feel like I'm going fast it's probably because I'm really wanting some of those effects. I just wish I could speed up time and have me figure everything out. And because of that I'm probably going way too fast for my brain and I need to slow down but I don't really know how to slow down because I've gotten myself so excited and so hopeful for some of the things testosterone could do for me like lower my voice. I know you say that blockers could do some of that maybe but I don't actually think they would be able to lower my voice or anything too drastic (as youv'e sorta already stated) so I would still be losing a lot of good. I guess it's just a matter a lot of things at the moment. Sometimes i hate this journey it feels so fast, then so slow and then i end up confused or upset...
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Elis

I had lots of doubts when I got the go ahead for T. Before I was so sure but thought it was impossible that I'd actually be allowed. I've even been uncertain very slightly since I started because I look like an awkward gawky 17 yr old boy  :P. But now I'm at 5 months and I can hear my voice starting to become an even male pitch and am starting to see my face look more masculine; I know I made the right choice. Somethings in life we just have to jump into because otherwise we're going to keep thinking what if.
They/them pronouns preferred.



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FtMitch

Though I agree 100% with Dena about being sure, I also want to point out that T changes are far from instantaneous.  If you wanted to give it a try, there are few changes that come quickly that will not go mostly back to what they were if you quit.  Noticeable facial hair takes awhile to grow and thw bottom growth is something that you quickly get used to and forget you didn't always have (at least in my case).  Hair loss is a possibility, but unless you are really predisposed to it then it is unlikely to happen within the first month.  So you could always try for a few weeks and see how it makes you feel.  T is very powerful, yes, but not powerful enough to completely override female puberty and years of estrogen exposure in just a few weeks.

Everyone is different, but in my case if I were to stop T now, at 5 months on it, I have zero doubts that I would quickly pass as female again.  I have a lot more masculine traits now with a deeper voice, more body hair, bigger shoulders, and a squarer jaw, but it is not enough to override my female trait 100% of the time and without regular T I am sure I would soften so much I wouldn't pass at all.
(Started T November 4, 2015)
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FTMax

Agree with Dena, it is a big step. When I first started thinking about transitioning, I only knew that I wanted top surgery and I didn't think I wanted to be on T. Fast forward a few years and I had gotten to the point where I knew my quality of life would be less without it, and I was willing to  make an effort to avoid any of the negatives of it (weight gain mostly, but also all the blood tests and needles).

I like making pros and cons lists for things. Maybe it would help you to post your list here and guys who are on T could comment and help you work through the list so it feels less stereotype-y and more related to actual experience.
T: 12/5/2014 | Top: 4/21/2015 | Hysto: 2/6/2016 | Meta: 3/21/2017

I don't come here anymore, so if you need to get in touch send an email: maxdoeswork AT protonmail.com
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